Also, there were two requirements of a prop and a line. Here they are:
Spoiler! :
(Rated E for mild soft toy violence and improper and humorous adult judgement [you'll see the chaos that ensues over a simple antique].)
Cast:
LETO: Ace detective, a bit lost in the head, never seen without his favorite umbrella.
MOOSE: Leto's companion in not-crime.
STORE OWNER: The bewildered and skeptical man caught in the middle of it all.
BOOZIE: The criminal mastermind Leto's been trying to catch for root beer-running and other shameful shenanigans.
LITTLE GIRL: An annoying child with the habit of high bribbery and carrying her Spongebob stuffed animal everywhere.
———————————
(Scene opens to a crowded downtown area, most likely resembling China Town. Camera pans to the left to follow the swift motions of a man tearing past the immobile crowds, then skips down to focus on the cracked pavement. Nothing passes until a pair of sharp heels click-clack into view. Camera snaps up to catch ahold of the face—seeing the distinguished lines and syrupy eyes of the city's best detective, LETO. He pauses before an antique shop, pondering something. Then he waves to someone off camera. Soon MOOSE appears, looking severely distraught and wringing his hands. Camera zooms in on the pair as they scan the scene.)
LETO: (While regarding a model of the Eiffel Tower) Well, what've you got?
MOOSE: He got away again, that skunk. (Punches store window)
(STORE OWNER races out.)
STORE OWNER: What're you doing?! I've got costumers in there, you rebel-rowser.
LETO: (Stands back and wields his umbrella like a sword.) Leave my companion alone, he's just testy because he lost his man again.
MOOSE: (Turns from the STORE OWNER to LETO) Don't word it like that, it makes me sound... (Waves a hand through the air.)
STORE OWNER: Feminine?
MOOSE: No!
LETO: (Taps MOOSE on the side of the head with the tip of his umbrella.) You know it does and that's why I do it.
(MOOSE growls silently to himself.)
LETO: (To STORE OWNER) Sorry if we disturbed you, it's just that we've been tracking this fellow about for awhile and he's seemed to slip through our web-like...grips...again.
STORE OWNER: What sort of fellow are you talking about?
LETO: (Raises umbrella again) Only the worst criminal who's hit the streets since the mob—Boozie.
STORE OWNER: Ah. And he does what exactly?
LETO: Only the most heinous of acts: he ships in root beer from Japan.
STORE OWNER: And how is that bad, exactly?
LETO: Why, it's been illegal to ship anything drink-wise from Japan since the Root Beer Embargo of '77.
STORE OWNER: Oh...
MOOSE: And that's why we have to catch him—for children and the like everywhere!
LETO: (Throws his arm around MOOSE'S neck.) What he said!
STORE OWNER: (Scratches head) But isn't that a bit...
LETO: Insane?
MOOSE: Bloated?
STORE OWNER: Yeah.
LETO: We thought so too before, (taps himself on the forehead) I got a message from God.
STORE OWNER: Really?
MOOSE: Of course. That's how we get our jobs—not through advertising—but from spiritual messages from above.
STORE OWNER: You're kidding.
LETO: Not in the least. Haven't lied since high school, isn't that right, Moose?
MOOSE: On my best tennis shoe, it's true.
STORE OWNER: You're crazy, you really are.
LETO: You can that again!
MOOSE: (Detaches himself to stare at a particular birdhouse behind the store's window.) What?
STORE OWNER: You're crazy!
LETO: That!
MOOSE: (Whilst pointing at the birdhouse) That...?
LETO: (Points at STORE OWNER'S mouth.) That.
MOOSE: (Walks up and prods STORE OWNER'S face.) But why would you want that?
(STORE OWNER shakes him off.)
STORE OWNER: He doesn't, and I'm married.
MOOSE: What has that got to do with anything?
STORE OWNER: Nothing. Now, you want that house, or what?
LETO: (Regards house) It's nice, but...can my cat fit in it?
STORE OWNER: What?
MOOSE: His cat's been sleeping in a dog house since it was a kitten. Been wanting a new place for a couple of years now, something smaller...
STORE OWNER: You can't put a cat in a birdhouse!
LETO: Why not?
STORE OWNER: Because it's built for birds, that's why.
LETO: So, that doesn't mean my cat can't live in it. Think outside the box, man! We can't all stick to the rules!
STORE OWNER: Is that what you tell all your criminals?
MOOSE: Some of them. And then they somehow break out of prison.
STORE OWNER: Hm. I wonder why.
(Suddenly a little girl pops up out of nowhere, swinging a Spongebob stuffed animal from one hand.)
LITTLE GIRL: I'd like that birdhouse, please.
STORE OWNER: What are you going to use it for?
LITTLE GIRL: For birds, of course. What else would I use it for?
LETO: Cats.
LITTLE GIRL: (Looks up at LETO) How?
STORE OWNER: Not this again...
LETO: Cats need a place to live too!
STORE OWNER: (Runs inside and grabs birdhouse, holding it protectively within his arms.) You can't have it, sir. What's your name, anyway?
LETO: Leto. This is Moose. (Jabs a thumb at his partner in not-crime.)
LITTLE GIRL: Can't I have the birdhouse? Please?
MOOSE: Can't she?
LETO: No!
LITTLE GIRL: But I want it! (Holds up Spongebob stuffed animal) I'll get Spongebob here to help you solve your mystery if you give me the birdhouse...
LETO: Are you bribing me?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you accept bribes from children under seven?
LETO: You look like you're nine.
LITTLE GIRL: So, we have a deal then?
LETO: Did I say we do?
MOOSE: No, you...
LITTLE GIRL: But he's the best detective there is!
LETO: No, I'm the best detective there is. I've solved more cases than your...soft toy there.
LITTLE GIRL: Hey, don't diss the merchandise.
LETO: What's a stuffed sponge gonna do for me anyway? Boozie's probably out of town right now, as we speak.
LITTLE GIRL: You never know that. Sources tell me he's within speaking range.
MOOSE: Really?
LETO: How can you be sure?
LITTLE GIRL: Spongebob speaks to me. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.
STORE OWNER: (Returns clutching birdhouse) Talking soft toys..? (Turns to see a very short man clad in a poorly made wig and goofy sunglasses striding towards them.) Oh, and dwarfs too. Wonderful.
BOOZIE (in disguise): I'd like that antique you've got there.
ALL: Not you too!
BOOZIE: Yeah, I need that do-hickey to finish my mission.
LETO: (Squints) You sound familiar, have we met before?
BOOZIE: Your cousin's wedding, '98.
LETO: Ah. Weren't you the best man?
BOOZIE: Of course.
MOOSE: Thought so.
LETO: (Flicks MOOSE upside the head) You weren't even there, you idiot.
BOOZIE: (Steals birdhouse and wears it like a hat.) There we are, good as new.
MOOSE: Why do you have a birdhouse on your head?
BOOZIE: For insurance reasons.
STORE OWNER: Oh. That'll be fifty-seven bucks, mister.
LETO: But that was for my cat!
LITTLE GIRL: And my birds!
MOOSE: It was so pretty!
BOOZIE: (Turns to run) Sorry, but if you want it, you'll have to catch me first. (Breaks into a sprint)
LETO: After the scoundrel!
MOOSE: (Jumps up as if to complete a godly marathon.) Away! (Races off)
STORE OWNER: (Shakes his head) This is why I should've just gone into baking, like my mother wanted.
LETO: He's getting away!
LITTLE GIRL: I'll stop him! (Hugs stuffed animal before flinging it away at BOOZIE.)
BOOZIE: (Is hit in the head with Spongebob.) Ugh!
MOOSE: (Runs right by him) I'm going to get you!
(STORE OWNER, LETO, and LITTLE GIRL circle around the bandit.)
LETO: What the heck was in that thing?
LITTLE GIRL: Cement. Just dried an hour ago.
STORE OWNER: You're one strange kid, aren't you?
LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, but I make up for it in cliched cuteness.
LETO: Oh. Well, let's see who the thief is! (Flips BOOZIE over and whips off disguise.) Why, it's Boozie!
STORE OWNER: Who?
LETO: The man we've been trying to catch!
STORE OWNER: (Throws up arms like he's just scored a touch down.) Huzzah!
LITTLE GIRL: Guess I was right: Spongebob's the best detective there is!
(MOOSE finally circles back.)
MOOSE: (Winded) No, Leto is!
LETO: Heck yes!
LITTLE GIRL: But he—
LETO: He may be a great throwing device but my skills totally trump him. (Flicks open umbrella and dances with it.)
STORE OWNER: Does he always do that?
MOOSE: After a victory of this sort? Indeed.
STORE OWNER: How wonderful.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you think I can be a partner in not-crime with you, if I let you have the birdhouse?
MOOSE: Maybe.
LITTLE GIRL: Maybe?! After all I did for you?
MOOSE: I could've caught him myself if my navigation systems weren't off line.
LITTLE GIRL: What are you? A robot, now?
MOOSE: Nope. Just pure greatness.
LITTLE GIRL: Sure.
LETO: Aren't you going to join me in dance?
MOOSE: (Throws up arms) Alright! (Dancing ensues...)
LITTLE GIRL: Give me the damned birdhouse! (Throws money at STORE OWNER)
STORE OWNER: Fine—take it, I've had enough trouble for today.
LITTLE GIRL: Success! (Storms off screen with birdhouse and Spongebob in arm.)
STORE OWNER: (While staring at LETO and MOOSE) Idiots. (Disappears into store)
(Camera fades to black on the two detectives dancing merrily.)
THE END
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