Young Writers Society

// I wrote this yesterday when I was angry at someone I care about, and I just need someone to tell me what they think. ^^ I know it's really short, but I didn't have time to make it longer, besides.. I don't think I'll write more, anyway. And now I have edited it.


~ VIOLET HILL
Age: 16
Appearance: Light brown ponytail, slim body, green eyes, 168 cm, short green dress, black stilettos.


~ PETER BRANSON
Age: 19
Appearance: Almost black messy hair, muscular body, 185 cm, dark jeans, white button-up shirt, red converse.


~ SELENA STRIFE
Age: 16
Appearance: Blond curly hair, slim body, blue eyes, 173 cm, short purple dress, silver stilettos.



[Violet is holding glass a of water in her right hand and a bottle of beer in the other while she’s searching for Peter. She suddenly notice Peter’s back in the corner of the living room and some blond hair hidden behind it. Violet walks straight to where he is and drags him away from the girl he’s kissing with. Then she sees who the girl is, Selena, her classmate. Peter looks as surprised as Selena.]

PETER: Violet, sweety, calm down. It’s not what it looks like. [Looking kind of stressed]

VIOLET: Really? [Raising her eyebrows] Are you absolutely sure, because I am pretty sure I saw you two all over each other just a second ago!

SELENA: Look, [Stepping in front of Peter] it’s not what it-

VIOLET: Shut up!

PETER: Violet, can’t we just talk about this? [Steps next to Selena]

SELENA: I totally agree. [Looking a bit afraid]

VIOLET: So that’s what you think? [Looking questioningly at Selena, before she turns her head towards Peter] We all just talk about what happened and then everything will go back to normal? No, I don’t think so. [Sarcastic]

PETER: Please, [Begging] why can’t we just talk about it? We were just kissing, V.

SELENA: Yeah, [Confidently] it wasn’t like we were about to do something else..

VIOLET: Oh, please. [Rolling her eyes] You make me sick. You know what? I’m out of here.

[Violet walks away, still with the glass of water and the beer in her hands.]

PETER: Violet, come back! [Looking after her longingly]

SELENA: So.. What do you say? [Leaning against Peter] Want to go upstairs?

PETER: Selena, not now.

[Peter hurries after Violet and Selena is left alone.]

SELENA: Okay, fine, I was just asking. [Muttering to herself]

Bluewaterlily here to review your script.
Red=Corrections
Blue=Comments
Green=Add

bubblegum wrote:// I wrote this yesterday when I was angry at someone I care about, and I just need someone to tell me what they think. ^^ I know it's really short, but I didn't have time to make it longer, besides... I don't think I'll write more, anyway.



Violet's boyfriend, Peter, brought her to a party. But as soon as she goes to the toilet ,Wouldn`t bathroom be a better word? Peter disappears. Violet goes around looking for him, and when she finds him, she's not happy. Peter is all over her classmate, Selena. Violet drags Peter away from her, but Selena follows...


Peter: Violet, sweety, calm down. It’s not what it looks like.

Violet: Really? Are you absolutely sure, because I am pretty sure I saw you two all over each other!

Selena: Look, Violet, it’s not what it-

Violet: Shut up!

Peter: Violet, can’t we just talk about this?

Selena: I totally agree.

Violet: So that’s what you think? We all just talk about what happened and then everything will go
back to normal? No, I don’t think so.
Peter: Please, why can’t we just talk about it? We were just kissing, V.

Selena: Yeah, it wasn’t like we were about to do something else...

Violet: Oh, please. You make me sick. I’m out of here.

Peter: You don’t have to go. Come back!

Selena: So... What do you say? Want to go upstairs?

Peter: Selena, ew, no.

Selena: Okay, fine, I was just asking.

Overall: I liked it. Violet did the right thing by walking away. In a way, I can relate to her. My only suggestion is to rate it 12+ for Selena`s second to last line.

Hey bubblegum! I'm KD, and today I'll try my best to give you a quick review on your script!

Okay. I thought this was cute. But, this being a script, I wish you could have shown (in the correct format, of course) change in voice levels, and some more actions rather than just portraying them all just standing there talking. Doing so would liven up the script, and it would make this script more interesting and realistic! For example, you can show that one of the characters are blushing, mumbling, nervous, etc., and you can make them move around/do more things instead of having them stationary and standing still for the whole conversation.

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD

I liked this but I have to agree with Kaedee, the characters could have done more to liven things up.

Ello there here is my review:

I agree with what the others have said, you must put what the characters are doing otherwise it does not make sense, for example:

Violet: Oh, please. You make me sick. I’m out of here.

Peter: You don’t have to go. Come back!

Selena: So... What do you say? Want to go upstairs?

Has violet left? She says shes leaving but you have not said in the stage directions that she has walked away. With scripts the stage directions are just as important as what the characters are saying - without them she is still standing there with them no matter what she has said because you have not physically moved her out of the scene.

[quotePeter:] Selena, ew, no. [/quote]
- This line seems a bit silly compared with the rest of the script, he was just making out with her afterall. fair enough his girlfriend did just catch them, but I doubt he would give the other girl that reaction, and the word ew just does not seem right, not many guys I know say that word in all seriousness.

I think you need to give this a bit of work, your speech is good but work on the stage directions and it will be great

Jesse

I'll start off by saying that the script was interesting and easy to read, but that being said, here are my thoughts:

bubblegum wrote://
VIOLET: Shut up!

That bolded line was pretty jarring compared to the rest of the script and there was no true build up to it. It seems that the scene starts, then all of a sudden we have someone mad enough to throw a plate at someones head. I know from continuing on why she was mad, but there could have been more of a build for that one line... And perhaps hold on the bold. Ha ha.

Another thing that you can take or leave is with the descriptive words and the micromanagement of your characters. As a general unwritten rule of script-writing, the writer doesn't usually include things like "Confidently" or "Raising her eyebrows". The reason for this is because directors and actors (being the uncaring bunch we are) ignore them. We like to interpret the scripts based off of the text and not so much the stage directions unless it's an exit, entrance or describing a tough scene. Those smaller micromanaging words are left up to the actors.

Of course, that is just for your information and can be ignored, and for the purposes it is fine to keep for this forum.

First of all, I have to say it was short, concise, and very well put to the point.
Now this being a script and all, I would suggest you add more scenery and further describe what
the reader should be envisioning, more so I think the dialogue could use a little work as I found it at some
points a little unrealistic in it's relation to the situation.
Otherwise nice job, you're only going to get better. ( :

Damn, this is some script. Even though it's incredibly short I still felt the emotion you were trying to convey through. I'm really sorry if this happened to you because no girl deserves that. Please don't stop writing though, you have some real talent.