z

Young Writers Society


Sylvy's troubles scenes 1-4



User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 14
Fri Apr 10, 2009 3:38 pm
misfit-writer says...



(Sylvy is outside the school and a group of kids walk up)
Actor1: Sylvy why are you so shy?
(she keeps walking)
Actor1: we just want to talk
Actor2: we just want to know why you're such a freak
(she starts to run but Actor3 grabs her)
Actor3: don't try to run
(he pushes her down and they all laugh and walk away. Sylvy is on the ground her sweater has risen a bit and we zoom in on a bruise on her side before she gets up and walks away)
End of scene 1
(we see a women sitting in a chair, we hear a door and Sylvy walks in)
Sylvy: mom you’re so messy
(she starts to clean up a bit)
Mother: (slaps Sylvy across the face): I didn’t ask you to touch anything
Sylvy: Yes mom, I’m sorry
(she leaves slowly and walks to the kitchen getting some food out of the fridge as her father walks in)
Father: who gave you permission to eat?
Sylvy: I never needed permission before
Father: Don’t talk back to me
(he takes his belt off from around his waist and Sylvy slowly puts the food down)
Father(pointing to the wall): will you ever learn
(Sylvy walked to the wall as she takes off her sweater she is wearing a tank top and we see bruises on her arms, her father hits her with the belt on her arms and on her head after a few strikes she ducks and runs out of the house her father fallows but stops at the door)
Father: The little sinner will learn when she gets home
End of scene 2
(Sylvy runs to a house and runs in without knocking)
Sylvy: Collette! Collette!
(but she gets no reply, she looks around then goes to the phone dialing a number she knows well. The phone is answered on the first ring)
Collette’s mother(crying): hello?
Sylvy: Do you know where Collette is?
CM(trying to keep herself together): She was in a car crash, she’s at the hospital
(Sylvy can’t hold herself together anymore she hangs up the phone sobbing and goes outside holding up her thumb, a few cars pass before someone pulls over)
Actor4(eyeing her bruises): Where you going kid?
Sylvy(trying to seem dignified through her tears): the hospital
Actor4(understandingly): Alright get in
(Sylvy gets in the car and they drive off)
End of scene 3
(In hospital room, Collette is unconscious Sylvy is lying next to her crying we fade out and then back into a flash back)
(Collette is sitting on the couch, Sylvy climbs into her lap crying, Collette strokes her hair)
Collette: What’s wrong Hun?
Sylvy: My mom burned me with her straightening iron
Collette: why did she do that?
Sylvy: I got home from school late
Collette: let’s put some ointment on it alright?
(Sylvy nods and Collette helps her up before finding the first aid kit and putting ointment on Sylvy’s arm)
Sylvy: thank you
Collette: your welcome
(they sit back down, Sylvy on Collette’s lap, her head on Collette’s chest, Sylvy falls asleep and we hear a fast beeping. We quickly switch back to the hospital Sylvy is now sitting up beside Collette screaming and crying, a nurse rushes in and we hear a final long beep the nurse puts her hands on Sylvy’s shoulders)
Nurse: honey she’s dead
Sylvy(screaming): no! no! no! no! no!
Nurse: Ssh it’s too late, but you can stay here for a little bit
(once Sylvy quiets down the nurse leaves and Sylvy lays back down beside Collette)
Sylvy voice over: What do I have left now? Collette always reassure and helped me no matter what my parents did to me. I wouldn’t have survived this long without her love, how will I survive now?
(fade out)
End of scene 4
BB...check out my poetry and quotes site mobbpoetry.wetpaint.com
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:24 pm
Twit says...



o_O

O my, this was uber depressing. I have to ask, is this going anywhere? At the moment it doesn't seem like there's much point to it. It's depressing, depressing, depressing and... depressing. It doesn't look like there's much of an interesting plot going on. Collette dies, and Sylvy's very sad.

It just makes me think, "So what?" because I'm heartless like that.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 14
Fri Apr 10, 2009 8:26 pm
misfit-writer says...



It is going to go somewhere in scene six or seven depending on how i break it up we bring Annah in who is this super optimistic girl and she saves Sylvy from Committing suicide and they become good friends and we fallow their friendship.
BB...check out my poetry and quotes site mobbpoetry.wetpaint.com
  





User avatar
73 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6245
Reviews: 73
Sat Apr 11, 2009 1:37 am
winie603 says...



This is the only begining of the play, so I don't think it really should go anywhere right now. It's just an introduction. To the critique. First, why didn't you capitalize or punctuate any of the play? And second, I think the dialogue needs to be more realistic, have more details!
So far, the characters seem very undeveloped, let the dialogue introduce their character traits! By the way, I like the plot a lot, it's very interesting. I know this isn't really writing critique, but the title? Eh, boring. Try to come up with a more catchy title!

Good luck!
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 7718
Reviews: 136
Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:44 am
Eraqio says...



I like the concept.

Sorry, I'm not much for reviewing right now, just went to a viewing of a dead relative and I'm going to the funeral tomorrow.

Anyways, I hope to see the rest of this, and possibly see it turn into an actual performance.

Hell so far I know I'd try and get my friends to act it out.

the first poster was right on the money though, very depressing and awkwardly dramatic.

Love the feeling and the glimpse at the rest of the story.

Sorry I'm not much help :/

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.
  





User avatar
13 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 13
Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:32 pm
Monakeya says...



OMG tat makes me cry and very greatful that my mom doesn't abuse me wow i hope you continue it misfit-writer it's me from french clubur play is super good i didn't know you were so talented i hope u read my poem i made wile i was in french club this story is so cool im also rewiewing this so i can get more points but ur play is truly really gudd write more
  








The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.