Young Writers Society

http://splitsecond.fileave.com/GUARDIAN.pdf

Michael thought he'd left his life as a guardian, a fighter of evil, behind him. But a visit from an old friend and the after the legendary Ganstbeast is set loose on the town, he has no choice but to reconsider his position.

This is the first draft of the first episode of what I hope to become a series. This is the first time I've completed one of my script's, so I'm really eager to get some comments on it so I can go off and improve.

Just a few grammar/spelling

MICHAELWe done with the waterworks yet?
Jesus Christ, you think we'd be in
the middle of a soup opera.

Soap opera, not soup opera

MICHAELDon't you EVER MENTION HIM AGAIN!
Do you HEAR ME! NEVER!

Question mark, not exclamation mark. It makes it easier for actors to see that, even though it's a bit obvious.



So, it's quite good, if not a bit confusing. I think you've got too many characters at some points. Maybe you should either cut some of them, or just introduce them more gradually, because after a few pages, it was just like, "Who was that again?". Especially in plays, it's important not to have too many characters, because it requires more actors and because it's even harder to recognize characters when you have so many auxiliary ones. Try and make it so that you mention a bunch of characters just in passing. Like, instead of having him have that whole scene with Julee, just have him say something like, Julee walked out on me. And have him repeat that a few times, and then it'll be established that Julee is a girlfriend figure. Then if you have to introduce her later, people won't be as jarred by the appearance of this woman.
Another thing is that you might not want to have it just, like, not fantasy-ish in the beginning. There's a rule of thumb somewhere that you should reveal your genere within the first or second pages of your work. Otherwise, people get confused, because they think it's a drama by the first 10 pages, and so when this hooded figure shows up, people think the guyh's going crazy rather than that it'a a real deal. You could just have something subtle, like a character seeing some sort of demon somewhere, or opening with some sort of magical occurence
Thirdly, I sometimes have some problems picutring the settings. You might want to add some descriptions. Like, I know it would be helpful if you described the pub as something that is dingy and dark or something.
Nice play, and cool ending, though. Definately worth reading more. =)

Thank you very much, man. Yeah, I was writing it for TV and I see what you're saying. I think I might add a teaser at the start or something, to show where it's going.

Screenplays have never really been my thing ( It must be the way they're written),
but I really enjoyed that. Everything was well described. It really did feel like a movie.
Impressive for someone of my age group. You should write for television.

I liked the script a few things though. Check your grammer and spelling. Also describe more of the surronding, more of who else is at the bar. Describe what type of bar it is if it is a biker pub or more of a community pub. Give the sense of what the night feels like. I liked how you were able to describe the character's realistic personality. Try to make the fighting more of what we can see (imagine). Keep up the great work.