Young Writers Society

Ok, this started out as a short story but it worked way better as a 10 minute play. Its a quirky little piece, feedback is appreciated.

Wow! That was really good!

I like the deterioration of Herbert's mental stability and I love how Norman is the instigator of it.

The only thing I didn't like was the use of "for fuck's sake," as I don't think it is used commonly (if at all), and when was this supposed to take place?

I saw 1940s maybe, but when did you mean for the action to take place?

I really really liked that. But i thought that Herb went mentally unstable too fast. he was upset but in control of himself, and then he took a couple swigs of the flask, and suddenly he was talking to the dead body and believing he actually took the gun and shot jack. i don't know how he could forget what happened several minutes ago, no matter how tortured he is, or how much norm tells him it was his fault. but i think it would work really well if you put more time between herb forcing norm to kneel and him talking to the dead body. if you let herb get really drunk and sad and desperate. let a couple hours pass.

this is one of the best things i've read on this site. definitely.

oh, and i like "for fuck's sake". i don't live in england (maybe shining_eden does) but in english books i read, the characters are always saying "for fuck's sake". I was wondering where the characters were from and then i read the fuck's sake part and i thought, oh, they're english.

I disagree, being in the same room with that effed up brother could turn anyone crazy, fast. Especially if herb just saw his brother killed. What I don't understand is how Norman was under the radar his whole life, that no one else knew he was insane.
Although that is usually how it goes in these stories; its like their true self has been dormant this whole time.
And I think this play should be a little longer, because its so good. The bit about their mom and brothers seems a bit rushed, and I wouldn't mind listening to Norman a little longer. Just as long as he gets it somewhere down the line.
But he'll probably become a war hero and get a badge of honor or a purple heart or whatever, then settle down in a comfortable place and never be heard from again.
That's what the rest of the psychopaths and serial killers do.

Wow. Really good script. There are of course some grammatical errors - you're missing a lot of apostrophes - but that's not major.
Towards the beginning of the play the dialogue is a little stiff. Just an example:
[quote=Norman]He’s already dead. He can’t see, hear, smell or think as he
used to.[/quote]
Maybe with parenthicals it would be easier to imagine.

Jack gives one more wail of pain before
Norman pulls the trigger. Jack dies.

"Jack dies" isn't descriptive enough, in my opinion. At the end of the play, you at least gave Herbert more detail --

...he falls to the
floor dead.

Other than that, it's an interesting play, and you deserve the gold star. :]

Thanks for the comments guys

Very Good.
The story was interesting.
especially the part where Norman taunts him so much that Herbert would choose suicide.