The Rerun
By Josh Harris
Cast
Jessica-The Star
Megan-The Brat
Max-The Lover
James-The killer
Sue-The Granny
Jane-The Director
Producer-The Producer
Info
Jane, a crazy director, is put in charge to bring an “extraordinary” cast in a new soap opera “Love or Die.” However, if things don’t go according to her plan, she may just lose it and work herself, her cast, and the entire soap opera into...a rerun.
(The stage is showing a living room set with a couch on stage left and a rocking chair, where Sue is sitting knitting a sock with her cane right next to her, rocking back and forth. Dramatic music plays as Max enters from stage right.)
Max: Mrs. Bennet, have you seen Jessica? I need to talk to her about something.
Sue: No honey, I haven't.
Max: Man, I really need to tell her something.
Sue: Well I am sure she will show up sometime.
Max: I suppose.
(James enters from stage left)
James: Max! We need to talk...NOW!
Max: What? Oh! Have you seen Jessica?
James: Yeah I did, last night with YOU!
Max: Dude? What’s wrong?
James: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong!
(Suddenly James pulls a knife from his pocket and aims it right at Max.)
Max: Dude! What the heck?
James: How could you? How could you do this to me?
Sue: Oh my! James, put the knife down!
James: Not until Max’s blood is on it…
Max: Dude!!??
(Max ducks behind the couch as Jessica enters from stage left)
Jessica: What’s going on?
James: Jessica? Hello Jessica. How are you? (James hides the knife behind his back as if nothing is going on. Jessica looks at James blankly.) Are you feeling well?
Max: He has a KNIFE Jessica!
Jessica: (Coming out of her trance) WHAT? (Jessica backs up as Megan enters from stage left)
Megan: Is this the house of Jessica Bennet?
James: Who are you? (James points the knife at Megan and she lets out a very faint scream)
Megan: Please! Please! Don’t kill me! I’m just looking for my mother. (The knife falls)
Jessica. I’m your daughter.
Director: CUT!!! (From the audience we see Director Jane. She is stomping out of her chair and coming right on the stage. She is clearly angry with the way she said cut)Horrible! Treacherous! What in the world are you doing up there? You call that acting? Get your acts together people! The producer of the SOI will be here in 5 minutes. We need to show her a show she will not believe.
Jessica: Well, we are doing the very best we can. As the star of this show, I need a little more to work with. I can’t act without more to work with, so if you could give us more to work with I would work better. Do you get what I’m saying?
Director: (In a sweet mocking voice) So...you want more to work with? FINE! I’ll give you more to work with. You are the star of this program, true, but...I am the director. I do not see your emotion. Where is the pain? Where is the terror? A mad man is going to kill you. Surely you can do better then that.
Max: I though Jessica did a fine job…
James: You would…
Director: Hush both of you. (Turning to Max) You! You have no right to even speak. I saw no emotion from you either. You love her Max. You want to marry Jessica. Get excited when you are asking Sue about where she is. And SUE! When James pulled out the knife you seemed calm and said “oh my.” You are terrified that you are going to get killed. Shout to the heavens OH MY! Scream or something! You don’t want to die. AND as for you James. You are a crazy loveless man. You are out for blood. Show it! FEEL it. BE the killer.
James: I’m about to take this knife and shove it up your…
Director:WHAT was that?
James: Nothing…
Megan: Well forget about them. How did I do?
Director: From the top!
(The director exits the stage as does everyone else. Megan is a little annoyed and stamps off stage left. The scene begins again…)
Max: Mrs. Bennet, have you seen Jessica? I need to talk to her about something.
Director: CUT! Max. Work with me Max. Get excited. Think about you true love and go with that.
Max: Fine. Mrs. Bennet, have you seen…
Director: Have you seen Jessica?
Max: Have you seen Jessica? I need to talk to her…
Director: I need to talk to her about something.
Max: I need to talk to her about something.
Sue: No honey I haven’t.
Director: Don’t sound so mad Sue. Be kind. You’re a kind grandmother.
Sue: (Sounding flirty) No honey I haven’t.
Director: Not that kind! It sounds like you are flirting with him. Don’t do that. A grandmother flirting with her granddaughters secret crush? What kind of rating would that a get? A bad one that’s what!
Sue: NO HONEY I HAVN’T!!!!
Director: My gosh Sue! Can’t you do anything right? Now you are yelling at him. Save the anger when you yell at the your granddaughter about the child Megan instead of yelling at your granddaughters secret crush Max!
Sue: Can we just go on! My back is starting to hurt and if we don’t hurry up I’m going to miss my program at 7. (In her own little world) It’s the episode when Jack is begging for forgiveness. From Mary at their wedding because he accidentally…
Director: Proceed!
Max: Man, I really need
Director: I really need…
Max: I really need you to let us finish this once! I need to meet a date at 7 at the “Blue Roses”.
Director: Well you will be late because the producer will now be here in (Looks at watch) 4 minutes. Proceed.
Max: I really need to talk to her about something.
Sue: well I am sure she will show up.
Max: I suppose.
(James Enters)
James: Max! We need to talk...NOW!
Max: What? Oh! Have you seen Jessica?
James: Yeah I did, last night with YOU!
Max: Dude? What’s wrong?
James: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s…
Director: WRONG! James. James! You are a crazy man. Where is the rage? The anger?
James: Oh it’s coming…
Director: Good. Use it! Feel it. I want to see the fire in your eyes! Proceed.
James: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong!
Max: Dude? What the heck?
Sue: Oh my…
Director: OH MY!
Sue: Oh my...OH my...oh MY?
Director: OH MY! It’s not that hard Sue.
Sue: OH MY! James put the knife away!
Director: Down.
Sue: What?
Director: Down. The line is put the knife down. Not away! Say your lines right Sue!
Sue: James put the knife DOWN!
James: Not until there is blood…
Director: Get angry!
James: Not until there is blood.
Director: No, that’s not right.
James: What do you mean? I was angry!
Director: No, I mean you line.
James: What about it?
Director: It was wrong. The line is “Not until Max’s blood is on it.” You said not until there is blood on it. That is wrong. Why do we rehearse people?
James: Look, will you please just let me say…
Director: Proceed.
James: Not until (Stares right at the director) MAX’S blood is on it.
Director: JAMES! Why are you looking at me? It seems you want to kill me. I’m not even in this soap opera. Talk to Max! Not me. Look at MAX! Max, say your line.
Max: Dude?
(Jessica Enters)
Jessica: What’s going on?
James: Jessica? Hello Jessica. How are you? Are you feeling alright?
Director: Well.
James: What?
Director: Well, James. Your line is WELL!
Max: It was close enough.
Director: It wasn’t the line!
Max: But…
Jessica: OH MY GOSH! It was close enough.
Director: IT WAS NOT THE LINE IN THE SCRIPT!!! Did you write the script? No. Did HE write the script? NO! I don’t want to hear another word unless it is the CORRECT line in the script! NOW PROCEED!
James: Are you feeling well?
Max: He has a knife Jessica!
Jessica: What?
(Megan Enters)
Megan: Is this the house…
Director: JESSICA! Get scared! Don’t just say what. SCREAM WHAT!
Jessica: WHAT!!!
James: Oh come on!
Max: That was great Jessica!
James: Shut up…
Jessica: I am doing the best I can!
James: (Mocking Director) Well DO better.
(Lines over lap)
Jessica: WHY I have NEVER been SO insulted!
Max: Why are you so mean to Jessica?
Sue: Guys don’t fight we don’t need this!
Director: All of you are just horrible actors. I don’t know why I waste my time!
James: WHY YOU!
Sue: My PROGRAM IS ON
Jessica: I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS!
MAX: Well I am missing my date…
Megan: ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP! (Megan clears her throat angry with everybody)How did I do?
Director: Alright people! From the top! Start over! And this time try to impress me...like that’s going to ever happen…
Megan: WHAT?
Director: Start over. Did I stutter?
Megan: Start over? Oh no no no NO! LISTEN! (James takes this chance to mock Megan) I have been back stage trying to memorize my lines, study for school, listening to all this bickering for God knows how long, waiting to get on the set and act. I want to live my dream! ACT! My daddy got me in this show and I WILL act. I’m 16 years old! 16! I have a life of acting and beauty, money and power, and all a girl can want, but if you don’t let me rehearse I wont get any better. So, you are going to sit down, shut up, and let me say MY LINES!
Director: My gosh. This is what I get for hiring a little child, a little brat. CRY to daddy...make mean old Jane suffer. FINE. Stop crying and go on.
Megan: OK. Is this the house of…
Director: but keep in mind people we only have (looks at watch) 4 minutes until the producer gets here. 4 minutes people.
Jessica: (Franticly runs to Megan’s watch, and then to Jane’s and back and forth. The pointing at Jane) I THINK HER WATCH IS BROKEN!
James: I think her brain is broken
Max: Which one?
James: Like it matters…
Director: Proceed.
Megan: Is this the house of Jessica…
(A cell phone rings with a strange tone. Jane gets up and looks around audience.)
Director: TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES DURING FILMING…
(She then realizes it is her phone and shrieks with pleasure)
Hello? Oh TOM! (To everyone) IT’S MY BOYFRIEND! (Then calmly and flirty) How are you honey bear? Me? (Everyone else exits opposite sides) Oh I am just directing a masterpiece...working with actors that have no experience. (At that comment, James comes back on stage angry. He takes the knife and lunges at Jane. Megan, Max, and Jessica, all try to hold him back and Sue is in the chair, slowly falling asleep.) Oh yes honey, none of them can act. If you were here you be BOO! BOO! Well except for me, where you be YAY! I LOVE YOU! Anyway, I...WHAT? YOU GOT ME TICKETS TO “BLUE ROSES.”
(Jane holds phone over hand and screams like a gitty school girl. At this point Max lets go of James and the girls struggle harder to keep James away from Jane. Jessica lunches on to his back and James looses his balance as Sue is slowly drifty off into a deep sleep.) Oh baby you are just to good to me. Huh? No...well. Yes. I should get back to work. I know. I love you too. Ok. Kiss kiss. Bye. (She hangs up the phone) OH HE IS THE BEST! I AM GOING TO THE BLUE ROSES! OH I CAN’T WAIT! Em. Proceed.
Megan: Is THIS the house of Jessica Bennet?
James: Who are you?
(She screams)
Director: What was that? Was that a scream? What kind of scream is that? Where is the terror? Where is the fright?
Megan: Well...I did not want to hurt my voice.
Director: Well...no one will believe you if you scream like that.
(Megan screams unsure)
Director: That sounds like a dieing cat!!!
(Megan Screams really loud and Sue awakes for her sleep and falls out of her chair and onto the floor.)
Director: Ok...Megan stop screaming
(Megan doesn’t stop)
Director: MEGAN STOP!
(Megan still doesn’t stop screaming)
Director: MEGAN STOP! STOP SCREAMING!
(Megan stops and faints to the floor)
Director: PLEASE proceed.
Megan: (On her knees) Please! Please! Don’t kill me! I’m only looking for my mother!
(James accidentally drops the knife on his foot causing him to fall on couch knocking it over causing Max to jump out from underneath the couch knocking over Jessica who falls flat on her face. Sue watches in the rocking chair and Megan walks over to stage left extremely annoyed.)
Director: CUT! What are yall doing up there? Playing circus?
James: My foot! My foot! I think I’m bleeding! Someone quick! Get me a band-aid.
Megan: Oh suck it up James. Be a man.
James: Listen you…
(Jessica gets up off the floor with her fore head bleeding)
Jessica: Guys! Stop fighting!
Megan: Look who is talking ketchup head. Tried to make the scene dramatic I see.
Jessica: WHAT? (Jessica runs to her purse and pulls out everything instead on a mirror, and then she finds one and opens it and screams!) OH MY GOD! I’m dieing!
Megan: Your not dieing.
Jessica: Yes I am. My brain must have exploded or something.
Megan: What brain? I didn’t know you had one.
Jessica: Why you spoiled little brat. Who do you think you are to talk to me to like that? I am the star of this program. Without ME we would have nothing!
Max: Um...we kind of already do have nothing.
Megan: Bring it!
Jessica: Oh I am going to rip your hair out!
(Jessica lunches at Megan but Sue jumps up out of her chair to defend her)
Sue: Guys! Stop fighting. Jessica, she is only a child.
Megan: Stay out of this granny! This is between airhead and me!
Jessica: Um...who is air head? Isn’t that candy?
James: I think I just heard the air go out of her head…
Sue: Now I KNOW you did not call me granny little Mrs. Branny Spears!
Megan: OH how dare you insult me! I am going to get my daddy to sue you...SUE!
Sue: Oh really? (Sue takes her cane and chases Megan around the stage and Jessica follows trying to attack Megan and everyone attacks each other.)
Max: GUYS! STOP FIGHTING!
(As he breaks up the fight Jessica lunches toward the knife)
Jessica: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! I am going to KILL myself and none of you can stop me!
Megan: Fine go ahead.
Jessica: I’m going to do it!
James: Why do I care?
Jessica: I am going to do it!
Sue: (Very sarcastically) Oh my…
Max: NO don’t do it!
Megan: Bye Bye!
Jessica: I am going to do it!
Megan, Sue, James: DO IT!
Jessica: I’m going to...I’m going to (She attempts to slice her throat) OH MY GOD!
Megan: (stunned) it’s…
Jessica: Broken! (She throws the knife to the floor)
Megan: No. It’s fake. (looks at James) How could you get hurt with a fake knife? You are such a drama king!
James: I can’t believe it’s...fake…
Director: CUT! Tell me you got that! OH MY GOD! That was amazing! Jessica when you lunged for the knife...I held my breath. I laughed, I cried. It’s genius. I’m a genius. Now do that again. The producer will be here in 2 minutes and this show will knock her dead! Now do that again. Places! PLACES! (Everyone is silent until James bursts out in laughing causing a chain reaction of out bursts of laughter. Jessica throws her head back not knowing what they are laughing about but then gets it)
Jessica: WHAT?!??! I almost killed myself with a knife…
Megan: That was fake…
Jessica: And you want us to do it all over again? What do you think I am? Stupid?
Megan: Don’t answer that...and I STILL have not got very far with my lines. My daddy will hear about this. (She takes out her phone threatening to call her father)
James: I’m bleeding...I think…
Sue: My back hurts and I’m missing my program.
Max: I’m missing my date...she just text me saying it’s all over and she hates my guts. (looks at director mad) I hope your happy.
Director: WHINE WHINE WHINE! Get over yourselves...please. This is about creating a the best masterpiece the world as ever seen. I don’t care about your lives. I am the director, and you will do what I say!
Megan: You are not my daddy and I do not have to listen to you. I QUIT!
Director: Quit? You can’t quit! You signed a contract!
Megan: I will have my daddy destroy it. I am not going to stand here and be insulted. Good BYE! (Megan Exits stage left)
Director: FINE! I don’t need you. (Quickly thinking) Ok this time, Jessica, go mad and pull the knife on Sue…
Sue: NO! I don’t think so. I’m getting way to old for this and my program is almost over. If I leave now I can see if Mary loves Jack. You see Jack was dating Jezebel behind Mary’s back…
Director: I don’t care about your stupid program. (Max tries to make a comment) or your date. All I care about is finishing this SHOW!
Sue: Well...do it with out me! (She exits stage right)
Director: FINE! Your characters not that important anyway! Jessica, pull the knife on James to defend your one and only love Max! (Max smiles. Jessica looks at him and back at the director)
Jessica: NO! My brain exploded and all you care about is protecting a guy I don’t even find attractive. No I’m going home! Maybe I can find a doctor or something. (She exits stage left)
Director: Oh my gosh! I hate actors. (She sits on couch with max and James) Max. James. Fight over the knife, but in the moment...you both realize that you both truly love each other...and kiss to show affection toward your fiery passion toward each other.
(James and Max both look at each other and at the same time shout)
James and Max: HECK NO! (They exit opposite sides.)
Director: Fine. I don’t need any of ya! NONE OF YA!
(The producer walks in. She is extremely snobby and walks over to the director)
Producer: Heeellllooo. I am here to view a scene from (looks at her clip board) “Love or die” and I don’t have all day, so if you would. Please...proceed.
Director: Proceed? PROCEED? FINE I’LL PROCEED!
(She walks over and drops the fake knife on her foot! She begins to react the whole scene.)
My foot! My foot! I think I’m bleeding! Someone quick! Get me a band-aid. Oh suck it up James. Be a man. Listen you….Guys! Stop fighting! Look who is talking ketchup head. Tried to make the scene dramatic I see. WHAT? OH MY GOD! I’m dieing! Your not dieing. Yes I am. My brain must have exploded or something. What brain? I didn’t know you had one. Why you spoiled little brat. Who do you think you are to talk to me to like that? I am the star of this program. Without ME we would have nothing! Um...we kind of already do have nothing. Bring it! Oh I am going to rip your hair out! Guys! Stop fighting. Jessica, she is only a child. Stay out of this granny! This is between airhead and me! Um...who is air head? Isn’t that candy? I think I just heard the air go out of her head…Now I KNOW you did not call me granny little Mrs. Branny Spears! OH how dare you insult me! I am going to get my daddy to sue you...SUE! Oh really? GUYS! STOP FIGHTING! That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! I am going to KILL myself and none of you can stop me! Fine go ahead. (Out of breath) I’m going to do it! Why do I care? I am going to do it! Oh my…NO don’t do it! Bye Bye! I am going to do it! Sue, James: DO IT! I’m going to...I’m going to OH MY GOD! it’s…Broken! No. It’s fake. How could you get hurt with a fake knife? You are such a drama king! I can’t believe it’s...fake…
Producer: I hate a one man...oh….sorry. One woman show…(She exits)
Director: NO! Don’t leave...don’t….leave….
Blackout and end of the Rerun
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