Young Writers Society

Heres the deal. This script needs help!
Thank you!

Yay! A script!

Before I start of the review: I'm sure that you've been told this before, but generally it is better not to direct your own work, since there is nothing to "discover" in the text, as you planned it all out while writing it. That being said, if you are supposed to write your own script for class, then obviously you don't have a choice, and you should ignore my rambling.

Lights up on centre stage.

I don't think you need this. Lights up is usually assumed

NARRATOR
It seems simple. A girl, a boy. Bam. Instant love. But, as you are about to see,
Nothing is that easy. We have the cliché right here. The pretty, quiet girl who hates everyone and everything and the cocky boy who has everything. Will Cocky Boy strike out or win love? Stay tuned.

I'm always a little wary of a narrator in a play, because 95 % of the time the narrator is tacky and unneeded. The narrator is especially off putting in this case, as you immediately let your characters talk to the audience- if your characters can talk directly to the audience what is the point of having a narrator at all?

JACKI
Mondays. I hate Mondays.

I really like these first two lines! You introduce both characters quite well, as well as provide a contrast between them right away- hinting at a conflict! This script would be a lot better if these were the first two lines!

JASON enters,steps on stage, down stagein front of the counter.

Personally, I find it very irritating and limiting when a playwright adds in really detailed stage directions because it doesn't give you anything to work with. I would suggest cutting at least "down stage", since that gives very little room for exploration.

Yes, I know - you're directing this yourself, so you're not really limiting the director's vision. However, I think that it is good practice to always write a play like someone else will be directing it, that way you will be prepared if you someone else does . Also, I don't know what your directing style is like, but I usually leave the actors some freedom to move where the scene takes them. Yes, I'll go into the rehearsal with a couple of different plans for blocking, but I'm always prepared to go with it if one of the actors finds something better.

JACKI
[Unamused] I work here.

Again with the too much information - the actress will probably get "unamused" from the speech. I suggest only putting in stage directions if there is a very good chance that the actors will give an opposite reading that doesn't make sense, or if it is very essential to the story that the line is said a certain way.

NARRATOR
So, there you go, lovely audience. Cliché? Yes. But, remember, they’re highschoolers. It’s the best they could come up with.

As an audience member I'm feeling like agreeing with your narrator- the scene was cliche- but mostly because of the narrator! This scene would be about 50x better without one! I would suggest giving some of the narrator's lines to your characters, and cutting the rest. For example, I think it would be awesome if Jason said "Strike One" (etc.), but I would suggest cutting the "cliche" lines unless that is how you want your audience to feel about the script.

Also, what happened to your lovely characters? They each had a great opening line, and everything else they said was quite dull and could have been said by anyone. Give us more details about what makes them unique! Another thing - there is no way this script is 4:00-5:00 minutes long. In fact, I timed it for you leaving appropriate pauses for actions, and it is about 1:40 at the longest. This would be brought down to about 1:15 if you take my advice about cutting the narrator. Either way, you have a lot more time to play with the characters- so take your time and explore their relationship.

As an actor/director/audience member/playwright, I tend to find scenes more interesting if there is some kind of change in status between your characters during the scene. In this scene we have Jacki, who is high status because Jason wants something from her. This high status is maintained as she quickly turns him down every time. Is there some way that you can play with this status a bit? Maybe Jason keeps trying different tactics to get Jacki to like him, and eventually one of them gets a smile- which Jacki promptly pretends did not happen. Maybe Jacki pretends to flirt with him back-but is just joking. Maybe Jason says something that accidentally upsets Jacki - and we learn something interesting about both of them.

In my opinion, the conflict between these two is not interesting enough right now to make me want to find out what happens. Another way you can add interest to the scene is by adding stakes - make it more important that Jacki reject Jason (her super-tough boyfriend is in the next room) or that Jason win Jacki over (he is an alien prince from planet Arglye, and if he doesn't get a human to fall in love with him by midnight, then he will liquify!) etc...

Sorry if this rambled on a bit... (I'm a Drama Major)...
Hope this helps

I love scripts and I love this one, I think i have to say that my favorite character is Jason. I think that it could be a little longer, because I would like to read more, I really love it, though. Good job on this script. I might try my hand at scripts. About monkeys maybe. Don't still my idea, I am going to use it.