Young Writers Society

Characters (In Order of Appearance):

FELIX VAN DOREN: An employee of the mysterious institution known as the UnIncorporation. He likes to think of himself as dashing.
MOLLY: A very wealthy business woman, but lower class by birth. She tries to hide her humble beginnings by using big words, but her real accent invariably slips out.
LAERTES: That one crazy homeless guy- or so it seems.
ATHENA: Felix and Daphne’s boss at the UnIncorporation. Very unemotional.
DAPHNE: Athena’s other best employee.
Queen Veronika Rosaline MAREN of Lithuania: The “elected” Queen of one of the most powerful states in the world.
BEATRICE: Maren’s creepy maid.
ARTHUR: Maren’s brother, Prince of Lithuania, but he just wants to be a scientist. He is awkward around the ladies.

Setting:
A strange, Victorianesque alternate universe.

SCENE 1

SCENE: A street in the grand city of Luxembourg. FELIX follows MOLLY stealthily, walking in place. The other actors, holding building cut-outs and trees (etc), walk the opposite way from them, so that it appears as if they are moving forward.

FELIX: Felix Van Doren was having a good day. He tracked his prey down the streets of Luxembourg – the grandest city in the world. The cobblestones flew beneath his feet.

(LAERTES enters, in rags, raving)

LAERTES: I lost it. It’s my fault – my fault. I didn’t know you see, didn’t know-couldn’t know. Like dominos. Falling everywhere and I broke it. I broke everything. (He hums a song loudly and then laughs) And now I'm alone.

(Molly stops to talk to Laertes, and Felix freezes and hides. The scenery stops moving.)

MOLLY: Hungry? I know the feeling. Here’s a few coins – that’ll fill up your belly nicely I imagine.

(She pours a ridiculous amount of coins on the ground, and keeps walking. The scenery continues moving. Felix unfreezes and follows her. They pass Laertes, and he exits.)

FELIX: Felix waited for the perfect moment to pounce.

(Felix runs around the buildings, and comes out in front of her. He hides between the buildings until she approaches then drags her off into one.)

MOLLY: Ow! You don’t have to pull my bleeding arm off. If you want to buy something, you might have just asked.
FELIX: I’m here to talk about a different matter.
MOLLY: What kind of a matter? If this is what I think it is sir, then I will tell you quite firmly that I don’t do nothing- anything- of that sort anymore. I’m a real businesswoman now- a proper lady.
FELIX: The murder of Rupert Latchford.
MOLLY: Oh, is that what this is about? I’m not telling you noth- anything. I have nothing more to say about the murder of my husband.
FELIX: Felix left a thoughtful pause. I think you’ll find you do.
MOLLY: And why's that?
FELIX: You’ve been running out of silk cloth, haven’t you?
MOLLY: I don’t think you’ve any business to know the answer to that, sir.
FELIX: I know a supplier. I can put you in contact with him. (He holds up a paper)
MOLLY: Oh.
FELIX: But before I do, I think we should have a chat.
MOLLY: I’ve nothing more to say on the matter.
FELIX: Humour me. Felix straightened his shirt cuffs, preparing to question the witness. Where were you last Thursday at 6:31 in the evening?
MOLLY: As I have clearly explained to the police, I was having a quiet evening at home, butchering my husband with a cheese grater.
FELIX: So you have said. Felix glared menacingly. Go through your day for me, from the moment that you got home from work.
MOLLY: Well, I went into the kitchen, and I supervised the servants for supper-
FELIX: Which servants:
MOLLY: Bridgit and Evalina, because Sybil had a bit of a cold.
FELIX: And then –
MOLLY: And then, I called Rupert for dinner, and-
FELIX: Which consisted of what?
MOLLY: Well, pheasant and potatoes, and a nice soup, and for dessert a New Holland style bumbleberry pie.
FELIX: I see. Then what did you do?
MOLLY: Well, Rupert went into the drawing room, and I went to the kitchen to get the cheese grater-
FELIX: Why the cheese grater?
MOLLY: It was close by, and it looked very sharp and convenient. And then I came into the drawing room, and-
FELIX: Right away?
MOLLY: Yes, right away – what do you think I did, go to take a pre-murder nap?
FELIX: And then?
MOLLY: I bloody well grated Rupert to death, as you very well know.
FELIX: I see. And what was your supposed motive for this crime?
MOLLY: Are you quite serious? Fine. I'll admit it, I was a poor… working girl, desperate to start her own business and I married a very rich man. I killed him so I could have control of all of his money of course.
FELIX: And when you came into the drawing room to commence the grating – what was your husband doing?
MOLLY: Reading. The Andorran Raincoat Thief. Page 133. He was just at the bit when Gregrio kills the little shop girl in order to avenge his aunt.
FELIX: A well thought out story. But tell me, does New Holland style bumbleberry pie not contain a particularly excessive amount of cheese?
MOLLY: Yes…
FELIX: And is not the perfect cheese required for New Holland style bumbleberry pie not extremely soft and crumbly?
MOLLY: It is, but-
FELIX: And wouldn't grating a large quantity of this cheese necessary to make New Holland style bumbleberry pie have considerably clogged up the cheese grater? And if so, would said cheese grater not, in fact, look even a little bit “sharp and convenient” as you claim?
MOLLY: All right, all bloody well right, you win. I did not murder my husband. You know what= I may have married him for his money, but I bloody well loved Rupert.
FELIX: Then why pretend?
MOLLY: With Rupert gone, I’ve got to provide for myself and the servants, and I’ll be needing to expand our client base. The rich – well they won’t have nothing to do with someone of my… occupational past, and the criminal don’t trust me as one of them. If they thought I’d murdered my husband, then—
FELIX: Then they might be inclined to do business with you. I see your point. (Beat) But who did murder your husband then? Did you find out?
MOLLY: Rupert was murdered by an… acquaintance of mine- she goes by the name Caterina Frost. I had her taken care of all right- but- you won't be telling anyone about this, will you? You can't let it get out that I'm innocent- I need the business.
FELIX: I can’t do that Molly. I understand your concerns, but if I were to go back to my employer and lie… well. I pride myself at being good at my job. And If I don’t deliver, I don’t get paid – I’m sure that you of all people understand that when it comes down to it, what really matters is money. Here’s the contact.

(He hands her the piece of paper. She storms off angrily)

FELIX: Felix Van Doren – always a charmer with the ladies…

SCENE 2:

Setting: Outside a broken down warehouse. Enter FELIX and ATHENA, in disguise.

ATHENA: Eight six twenty two pineapple.
FELIX: Nineteen telescope elephant six.

(They go into the building and take off their disguises)

FELIX: Beautiful as always, Athena.
ATHENA: Well?
FELIX: A full confession. And the name of the real murderer, though she’s probably long dead by now. All complete, and in seven hours.
ATHENA: No need to gloat, Felix. Daphne finished her assignment two hours ago.
FELIX: What? How?

(DAPHNE enters from the shadows)

DAPHNE: I do my best. I can’t help it if my best is better than yours.
FELIX: There is no way that she beat me.
DAPHNE: Sorry, Felix. Maybe next time.
FELIX: Come on, Athena. I’ve been your best employee for five years, and suddenly little miss Daphne comes along, and in a few months manages to do everything better than me?
DAPHNE: What’s hard to believe is that you were ever her best employee to begin with.
FELIX: What are you even doing here? This is my meeting.
DAPHNE: Athena asked me to come, in case you needed help completing your assignment.
FELIX: I can assure you that I will never be in need of your help. In any capacity.
DAPHNE: Surely you could have used my assistance this morning when you dressed yourself.
FELIX: What are you implying?
DAPHNE: Oh, nothing – Did the woman you stole that shirt from sew it herself?
FELIX: This is not a woman’s shirt!
DAPHNE: With that many ruffles?
FELIX: I can’t help it if I have impeccable taste!
ATHENA: That’s enough. Daphne, you may take the rest of the day off, I have something to discuss with Felix.
DAPHNE: Of course.

(Daphne exits)

ATHENA: I have another murder for you.
FELIX: Two in one week- a record.
ATHENA: This time you’re to get her to confess that she’s guilty.
FELIX: The victim?
ATHENA: A nice old grandmother.
FELIX: And the suspect?
ATHENA: Queen Veronika Rosaline Maren of Lithuania. I’ve gotten you a position as her bodyguard, you are to question her - use what ever means necessary to gain her trust.
FELIX: A queen? What is the doing in Luxembourg?
ATHENA: I'm not entirely sure. That is for you to figure out.
FELIX: The questioning I will have no problem with, but the bodyguarding-
ATHENA: I'm sure you'll figure it out. Unless it's too much for you; shall I assign this to Daphne instead?
FELIX: I'll start right away.
ATHENA: Here is everything you need to know.

(She hands him some papers. Felix leaves.)

SCENE 3:

Setting: Maren’s parlour. MAREN lounges. Enter BEATRICE, escorting FELIX. Beatrice hands Felix’s letter to Maren.

MAREN: Ah, the new bodyguard.
FELIX: Your majesty. (Kisses her hand)
MAREN: Have you been a bodyguard long?
FELIX: (Referring to her innocent-lookingness) Have you been a Queen long?

(Beat. Maren finally smiles.)

MAREN: I was elected in October.
FELIX: “Elected” – how sophisticated.
MAREN: Not really. Three rich old men and a box. The men are the voters- between them they own most of the country. The candidates are few. The position is for life. You may go, Beatrice.

(Beatrice exits)

FELIX: Felix searched the room for signs of a murder.
MAREN: Excuse me?
FELIX: I should search the room for signs of a murderer.
MAREN: And if you find one, what will you do? Smile him to death?
FELIX: Oh yes. It’s surprisingly effective.
MAREN: Well carry on then. Let me know if you find someone.
FELIX: Should I be expecting to? What I mean is; as your safety is now my duty, I must ask -Does your majesty have any enemies in the city that I should be aware of?
MAREN: In particular, no. In general- nearly everyone.
FELIX: Well, that’s useful to know. (Beat. He explores the room. He sees an empty birdcage in one corner). A birdcage without a bird?
MAREN: There was a bird once, but-
FELIX: It flew away?
MAREN: No. I killed it. I would sit in its cage, day after day, staring at me with its beady little eyes. Challenging me. One day I couldn't take it any longer, and I put my hands around its skinny little neck, and wrung the life right out of it. (Beat). But I still keep the cage around; Beatrice was so fond of it, and she still likes to feed it sometimes. (Beat). Do sit.
FELIX: I didn’t know it was permitted to sit in the presence of a Queen.
MAREN: I’m the Queen. I’ll decide what is permissible.

(Felix sits.)

MAREN: Tell me Felix, do you consider yourself to be an accomplished bodyguard?
FELIX: I do what it takes.
MAREN: And where did you receive your training?
FELIX: I studied with Mme. Choi at the School for Specialized Personal Protection Agents.

(Enter ARTHUR)

MAREN: Arthur, dear. I thought you were in the garden for your fencing lesson.
ARTHUR: It ended early.
MAREN: Really, dear, you must stop scaring away your fencing instructors. This is my new bodyguard-
FELIX: Felix. (To Arthur) Your highness. (Bowing)
ARTHUR: (Ignoring Felix) I wish you would give up. I will never be a fencer.
MAREN: Of course you will. Did you even try to pick up the sword? You hold it by the end that is not deadly. Really, how can you call yourself the Commander of the Lithuanian army, if you can’t even hold a sword?
ARTHUR: I don’t call myself that, you do.
MAREN: Well what else do you want me to call you? You’re a prince, Arthur, not a common artisan. Would you feel better if I appointed you royal metal-twister?
ARTHUR: It’s not metal twisting, it’s science!
MAREN: So you insist. But do you really think, after all this time, that you’re any closer to inventing an “automatic bread-heating machine”? What a useless invention!
ARTHUR: Useless? Imagine waking up in the morning to the smell of freshly-heated bread, crispy and smothered in butter- can you think of anything more useful?

(Maren looks unimpressed. Arthur turns to Felix)

ARTHUR: How does that sound to you?
FELIX: Pretty good, actually-
MAREN: Arthur. This is pathetic. Just go back out to the garden, apologize to your instructor, and just try- just a little.
ARTHUR: You think you can control me, Maren, because you’re seven and a half minutes older, but you know what – I was always mother’s favourite! (He starts to storm out, and then turns) A pleasure to meet you, Felix.

(Arthur exits)

MAREN: It’s true, you know. He was.
FELIX: Pardon?
MAREN: Mother’s favourite. But really- what did she know? She died of typhus. No one dies of typhus anymore. (Beat). Would you like a drink?

(Freeze on Felix and Maren. On the other side of the stage, Arthur enters angrily, holding a diagram he has drawn of the “automatic bread heater”, and examining it. He walks along the street, muttering to himself. Molly enters, counting money. They continue to walk, and avoid each other a couple of times, finally bumping into each other. Arthur drops his drawing, and Molly, her money chart.)

ARTHUR: I beg your pardon, madam.

(They each pick up the wrong paper, look at it, and switch.)

MOLLY: (Condescendingly) What a detailed drawing, sir! Are you a scientist? (She starts to walk away)
ARTHUR: (Grumpy) No. I’m a prince.
MOLLY: (Turning around) I beg your pardon, did you say that you’re a prince?
ARTHUR: Apparently.
MOLLY: Well, your highness, I’m so sorry, I had no idea! Might I ask of what country?
ARTHUR: (Looking up from his drawing, finally noticing her). How rude of me not to introduce myself. I- I am Arthur, Prince of Lithuania. Might I be so bold as to ask the name of such a beauteous lady?
MOLLY: Well, I - Molly.

(They smile at each other dreamily. Suddenly a large CROWD rushes through the space, separating them. They call for each other, but MOLLY is swept off stage.

ARTHUR: Molly? What a beautiful name.

(He goes offstage in a daze. MOLLY enters from the other side.)

MOLLY: I have to find that Prince!

i liked this, it would make for a really good play! im interested if you do ever finish it! spelling is off a little but of course all writers get that when they are in the zone! im new to the reviewing thing, well the writer world as a whole! the whole plot is very, whats the word,its a mystery it really makes you think its kind of confusing but in a good way, i like the humor between athena and felix, that should defiantly be continued. i dont have much else to say, overall good piece!

really cute.

This is so good!
I like the whole plot the script
is based on. Its confusing but for me it
held a certain interst to make me read
it about 2 times to get xD
I know I have a slow understanding xD
Although you can erase some of the
directions that come with it.
Famous stage or movie play scripts have
very little direction control. That part is for the
director to do as he pleases. So something you can work on.
Other than that I really enjoyed it (:
<3

This real cute, it WOULD make a good play but is this the first part? Is their a next part?
Good Job! Usually I don't read scripts but this is good,
SweetMoments