Young Writers Society

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Lol ouchhhh. I hope this isn't based on true thoughts and anecdotes because If so that Trevor guy just reinforces a bad image. Although, i won't lie, it's not entirely just an image.

Anyway....

Have they always been such big sex-loving pigs.

This should end in a question mark.

How lame is that. Not only that

The repetition of that clutters things up a little bit and when read aloud doesn't sound like something you would say (at-least where i come from anyway). Not major just thought you should be aware.

she thought you couldn’t use a life jacket in the ocean because the water is too deep. And he was like “ who cares as long as she’s hot.”

I would add a comma here somewhere and then continue onto the And he was like “ who cares as long as she’s hot.” rather than using a new sentence.

No he isn’t, are you going blind or something.

This should end in a question mark.

lot of muscle, and have you seen his face lately.

Another question mark.


In summary...again, ouch..I like the ending as it shows that how females think isn't orthodox either and how the same mould can be placed over them, at least in a different situation.

It was really interesting. It kinda made me think about guys really CAN be picky. But girls can be picky as well. It was very interesting. I know I talk to my friends like that sometimes. Just talk about stupid guys and then the admit they're going out with them and I'm just like, "Are you serious?" It really was interesting! Good job!

I enjoyed that, I could picture that in a movie. I thought the whole thing was very good and funny to hear, I mean you didn't shoot to far from the truth on guys. Date a men not a guy, would solve your frustrations if you have any. But again very nice

ouch, ultra feminest
I enjoyed it though.
Nice freah rant with a good flow. Niced drama build at the end, i wanted more of it. This is a very teenage friendly peice of script. It is a bit self indulgent in the kind of cliched things that teenages love, boyriends, zits, friends. It is nearly on the verdge of being a bit trashy. That is what I don't like

Ah, I liked the double standard at the end. Very nice observation on people in general.

I noticed some grammatical nitpicks. I'll insert my corrections in bold.

What’s the matter with guys these days? Have they always been such big sex-loving pigs.? I mean, that’s all they think about; boobs, butts, legs, and sex. Not only is that all they think about, they are so picky about it. How can a guy look at a girl who makes Paris Hilton look fat and say she needs to loose weight? And zits. I once heard a guy with a million zits all over his face dump a girl because she had one little blackhead on her chin. How lame is that? Not only that, but they expect us to be dumber than a rock. One time, I was talking to Trever Daily on the bus and he kept going on and on about this girl and I was like "she’s so dumb, she thought you couldn’t use a life jacket in the ocean because the water is too deep". And he was like “who cares as long as she’s hot.”

Guys are so lame, and they expect us to be so perfect. (pause) Eww, why would you ask Trever Daily ? He is so not hot. No he isn’t. Are you going blind or something? He eats so much much pizza he barely fits into a size three. The only reason a guy shouldn’t fit into a size three is if he has a lot of muscle, and have you seen his face lately? One more zit and his whole face will pop. Break up with him now. (pause) Fine then, we’re not friends anymore.

All in all, I kinda like it and how it shows just how shallow both sides can be. On that note, however: the friendship dissolution seems to come along really quickly. I've never really ended a friendship with anyone like that or had one ended like that, so I have no experience, but it seemed to happen really quickly. I mean, could there be a bit more of a conflict before it happens? Maybe they argue about it a little and then Carrie drops the bomb? I don't know... It just seems so unnaturally abrupt.

~GryphonFledgling

There are a FEW grammar issues. But I saw past that. You know. I don’t like the stereotype of both the girl, and pictured guy. But I love the ending. How funny. She was just ranting, and her friend, says she’s asking a guy out. Funny, just funny. I could sit through it. It was fun to read real quick.

I could TOTALLY picture me doing this scene.
This is hilarious.
I liked it(:

Hello there! I decided to take a glance at this one seeing as I literally just wrote a short scenario in a guy's perspective, and basically he was complaining about women.

Now, just looking at the beginning of the monologue. I'm not sure if monologues follow different rules ... But considering you're setting the scene, you should probably follow proper format. Suzanne touched on script-writing here. I found it quite useful and such, as it helps the writer set up their script and such (however, it's only about script-writing for stage plays.)

Okay, onto a couple of nitpicks -- I'm not sure if anyone else touched on this, but all the same:

Have they always been such big sex-loving pigs.

This should be posed as a question, even if rhetorical. It should be:

Have they always been such big sex-loving pigs?

One time I was talking to Trever Daily on the bus and he kept going on and on about this girl and I was like she’s so dumb, she thought you couldn’t use a life jacket in the ocean because the water is too deep.

I think there should be some quotes in here, are you're quoting yourself.

One time I was talking to Trever Daily on the bus and he kept going on and on about this girl and I was like: "She’s so dumb; she thought you couldn’t use a life jacket in the ocean because the water is too deep.

Now, with that there is a bit of confusion, but I hope the way I've fixed it sounds alright.

Guys are so lame, and they expect us to be so perfect. ( pause) Eww, why would you ask Trever Daily ? He is so not hot. No he isn’t, are you going blind or something. He eats so much much pizza he barly fits into a size three. The only reason a guy shouldn’t fit into a size three is if he has a lot of muscle, and have you seen his face lately. One more zit and his whole face will pop. Break up with him now. (pause) fine then, we’re not friends any more.

Okay now, this last paragraph was pretty messed. This is a monologue, yes? Does she have multiple-personality disorder or something, or is someone else talking with her? If so, then this becomes a script and should be formatted as such:

GIRL: Guy are so lame, and they expect us to be so perfect [pause]
GIRL 2: Eww, why would you as Trever Daily? He is so not hot.

The rest should carry on as such.

Now, my overall impression? I seriously didn't like it. You're really giving guys the 'short end of the stick'. Yes, guys can seem like this -- but what are you talking about fitting into size threes and stuff? That sounds like girls talking about other girls. This monolgue also sounded pretty naive -- like a fifth grade was talking about their take on guys. I don't know if you were trying to touch on sarcasm, because if you were, ten I seriously didn't get it.

So, this could use some serious work.