Young Writers Society

Characters:Aly,Ian,Nick,Maddy,Dave,Kay,Kat

Scene 1 (Bus Room)

Aly:Hey Baby!
Ian:Hey! Miss me?
A:Of course I did silly.
I:You and Nick still dating?
A:Yea.You and Lizzy?
I:Yeah.
A:Oh.Okay.But how come we both love each other but we're not together?
I:I really don't know baby.
A:(holds hands with Ian) Oh.Okay.
Maddy:Hey Aly!Hey Ian!
A & I: Hey Maddy!
Kat:You two should date.
A:I know.
I:I really don't like hiding this.But if Lizzy finds out,I'm dead.
A:If Nick finds out I really don't care any more.

Scene 2 (School)
Nick:Hey Aly!
Aly:Hey babe.
N:What's wrong?
A:Nothing.
N:You Sure?
A:Yeah.I'm fine.
Dave:Hey people!
Ian:Hey Aly!
A:Oh!Hey Ian.
N:Hello Ian.
Kay:Hey Ian.Hey Nick.Hey Dave.Hey Aly.
Kat:Yo peeps!
KY:Hey Kat!
KT:Hey!
I:Is everyone saying hey now?
A:Guess so.

Scene 3 (Lunch Room)
Maddy:Hey.You chose yet?
Aly:No.But yesterday.I kissed Ian.
M:Are you serious? Where?
A:Lips.
M:Oh shit!
N:Oh shit what?
A & M:Nothing!
N:Come on.Tell me.
A:I got to go.
N:Fine!
A:(leaves the room)Bye
N:So,Maddy? Can you tell me? (flirty)
M:(giggles) Aly kissed Ian yesterday.
N:Are you fucking serious!? That little bitch!
M:Hey! Don't call her a bitch! And don't tell her I told you!
Ian:Hey Nick.Hey Maddy.
N:You little faggot!
I:What the hell did I do?!
N:You kissed my girl you jackass!

To be continued......

Hi EmoBear,

I just want to let you know that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, meaning that before you submit one piece of yours, you should review two things of your choice prior to your submission-- it's showing that you currently have one review. ^_^

Also, because this piece contains the F-word, it should be rated R for language. In the future, please rate your work according to content.


As for the script, I don't have much to say on it. It was very short-- which is okay, but the only problem is we weren't given much reason to understand the character's motives, or get to know them. It's a script, so there's not much you can tell us outside of dialogue, but from my standpoint of view, I think it could use some detail and such.


Good luck writing!

June

Hi EmoBear! I agree with June, this script is pretty short and lacks detail. The dialogue seems a little weird to me. Things happen so fast that it's hard for the reader to be interested. Plus there's that whole part in the middle where they all just say "Hey" to each other. Realistic, perhaps, but boring.

Here's my suggestion: start from an earlier point in the story, maybe when Aly and Ian are both happy in their current relationships. Then show us how they ended up choosing each other over their other beaus, how they hide their affair, why they feel the need to stay with other people even though they want to be together. Also, it might not hurt to give a basic description of each character in the beginning to help the reader visualize these people and get into their lives.

To be honest, I'm not that experienced with script-writing, but I do know that dialogue doesn't have to be the only tool you use. You could always add some scene description and stage directions to indicate movement and tone of voice. These will also help your reader visualize the story and get into it more.

Overall, I do think this script has a good plot with lots of potential. However, it needs some more expansion and detail to live up to that potential. Happy editing and keep writing!

I realize that back then my writing skills lacked everything.

First off, I must say that I did enjoy the script and it shows that you obviously know how to format it for actors and directors. While we are on the subject, at the beginning, it is usually suggested that you not only put the characters name, but you also put a short sentence describing them. Something like:

CHARACTER 1: Male. Father of CHARACTER 2. 25-30.

That is mainly for casting reasons. As for stage directions, I agree with nightowl to a point. Some of the greatest writers in history didn't use stage directions. Just read any of Shakespeare's works. He usually only has one word stage directions. 'Exit' 'Enter' and 'They fight' if he was feeling sassy. Stage directions can be used, but most of it should be left for the actor to discover on their own and if you put how they say certain things, unless for an explicit reason, an actor or director will most likely ignore it.

One more thing, the use of the word 'hey'... It went from realistic, to slightly annoying, to me thinking that you may have had a comedic reason for it explained later, to scene ended. There is a lot of room in the play for expansion and that scene is one of them. Experiment with it and see what you can get from the characters you have established. You should get a group of people to read it out loud. I find that gives me ideas or at least I can find the problem areas. It can also give you ideas on what your characters can do when they are not talking which can breath even more life into it!

All-in-all, these are just my impressions. I am no pro (obviously), so you can take it or leave it. I believe that the short play is really good and -- if left the way it is -- would be very interesting to see what the actors and director can take from it. Sometimes that is more interesting than if you took complete control over it!

[TalaPaulwic enters from camera right.]

Just little bits of detail like that could have made your script more effective. The problem with reading scripts is that you have no idea what people look like. Because of this you give a description of the characters in advance. This'll get you a rough idea.

I couldn't follow this. Every line was directly connected to one another so it was confusing and gave me a headache.

When someone finishes speaking make a new line before a new character starts to do something, that'll make it easier to read. In addition before they speak putting the name in either bold or all caps would help.

Add some action, even if it's as simple as *walks over to Bob*.

Um...it was interesting, but it seemed like a major "melo-drama" type thing that has been played over and over again.
It was short, I agree with the reviewers above me.
It also lacked descriptions. I rate it a 2 1/2 out of 5

Nice, but the script was short and didn't give us much to go on...
It's a little hard to follow since each person speak exactly like the person above them( if you get what i mean)
i just think that you should give each character a little more individuality in the way they speak...
the language is also distracting( from the gist of the whole discussion)

Hey, Bear!
Okay, first off, I agree about the swearing and dirty language. Quite apart from the fact that I dislike it, YWS does have a policy about it. Rate this script R.
I thought that this was kind of amusing in an amateur sort of way.
A few more things. Then I promise you can come chasing after me with your flaming pitchfork.
I found it hard to keep track of. I had to keep checking the top of the page to see what letter stood for what person. Maybe write their full names instead ... or maybe it's just me
Also, I definitely thought you rushed the beginning. There are maybe three lines before you show us exactly where the plotline is going. As a plotline, I'm afraid it's not very original. I'm sure we've all read enough of the love-triangle (square?) to last us a lifetime. You might want to develop a twist or something; I have read texts' twists that add a very interesting edge to the story.
Also, when Aly says 'How come we love each other but we're not together?' I thought - woah - what? I'm pretty sure that teenagers aren't that forward anywhere in the world.
Overall, the script needs a few tweaks, but is not beyond rescue. You could probably bring this up to a good standard with a good effort
- Ignis

ohmygosh, you left me at the edge of my seat, and when you ended it i literally was like "WHAT!? I WANT TO KNOW MORE!!"
And it's funny to because my ex boyfriends name was Ian. So when I was reading it, I was thinking "Ugh, i don't really want to read this..." but then i ended up reading it and LOVED it! WRITE THE REST PLEASE!!