Young Writers Society

I changed and edited a lot of stuff. Check it out!


Emily Peace-19 years old, female
INT- New York City Apartment-bedroom

[Emily is sitting alone in her bedroom, sitting on her bed.]
When you think of relationships, you may think of roses and chocolates. When I think of relationships, I think of fear, pain and bruises. Every time he calls my name, I freeze, wondering if this would be the last time. The funny thing is that I think I may love him, even though he does this to me. I know it’s not him-it’s the drinking, it’s the drugs. I always feel like I should be with him, make sure he doesn’t go too crazy. [Short, harsh laugh] It never works. [ Her voice begins to become faster.] I always try to hide my fear, make it look like he doesn’t scare me. That’s all a lie. He knows it and I know it. [Emily crosses to center stage, sits down at a desk and looks in a mirror] When I resist, he rewards me with the pain and the bruises. He likes being strong and in control, likes seeing me in tears, likes seeing me fight for my life. [Emily puts down the mirror and stares into the audience.] I try to keep to an open mind, hope what I’m doing will make some sort of difference, try to imagine what my life would be like without him. [Pauses] I always think about leaving him, but I have no where else. My family is in Montana and I have no friends in New York. So, I’m a caged bird, stuck here, everyday on the brink of death.

Hi, Wicked!

Before I start, just a few notes about script formatting.Whenever you have stage directions in a chunk of dialogue, you should always go to a new line for more dialogue. So, instead of this:

[Short, harsh laugh] It never works. [ Her voice begins to become faster.] I always try to hide my fear, make it look like he doesn’t scare me. That’s all a lie. He knows it and I know it.

You would have this.

[Short, harsh laugh]
It never works.
[ Her voice begins to become faster.]
It always try to hide my fear, make it look like he doesn’t scare me. That’s all a lie. He knows it and I know it.

This rule is true for both screenplays and stage plays, so you know for future reference. Also, I'm a tad confused as to whether this would be on performed on stage or filmed. At the beginning, you have:

INT- New York City Apartment-bedroom

Which would be standard for the beginning of a new scene in a screenplay. Yet, later on, you have:

[Emily crosses to center stage, sits down at a desk and looks in a mirror]

Emphasis mine. It doesn't really matter which one you choose, I guess--just make sure it stays consistent by either fixing the beginning or getting rid of the reference to center-stage.

As for the story! I just went and gave the original draft a quick read, and I will say that this was improved a lot. You go into to so much more detail without anything seeming forced or unnatural. I really feel like I know this character and the situation that she's in. The dialogue is beautifully written, and I love how you're able to tell a full and complete story in such a short bit of text.

However, it would be really nice if you could expand on the ending and why she can't get help. So what does it matter if her family's in Montana? If they realized what kind of a situation she was in, I think they could come get her as soon as possible. She'd leave her boyfriend before then, of course, and maybe she could stay in a hotel or something for the night. Or, if he's really abusing her like that, he could probably be reported to the police. It's understandable if you're character is too scared to do any of those things, but you could at least have her bring mention to it.

Overall, this really nice. Shoot me a PM if you have any questions!

-Elinor x

Hey hey Wicked! Hope here to review! I've tried to review this like five times, but I keep losing it/having to switch computers. So let’s hope it works this time!

When you think of relationships, you maymost people think of roses and chocolates.

Not a bad start, it's intriguing but not very suspenseful. Right from the beginning I could pretty much guess what it was going to be about xD.

Every time he calls my name, I freeze, wondering if this would be the last time.

Last time what? You need to be a bit clearer, throughout the whole thing you tend to be quite vague.

The funny thing is that I think I may love him, even though he does this to me.

So this really bugged me, I mean I'm very interested in psychology and domestic abuse I've read somewhat about. Most of the time the women either are too scared to leave, believe that they are actually doing something to deserve being hurt, or believe that they love the men, and that "he doesn't really mean it/know what he doing." So the fact that "She thinks she still loves him, kind of sounded off.

I always try to hide my fear, make it look like he doesn’t scare me. That’s all a lie. He knows it and I know it.

I would like to see you go a little more in-depth about her feelings, I don't really feel any emotion coming from this so far.

When I resist, he rewards me with the pain and the bruises.

Ack. Sorry, but this line really sound emo and whiney. Of course when you resist he's going to hurt you more, if he's violent he's not going to reward you for trying to defend yourself. So far it's really just her whining about how horrible her boyfriend is, and I really don't feel any emotion behind it. Scripts are very different from stories, they rely totally on dialogue, there's really no description of characters, and thoughts and feelings have to be shown through the way they speak.

He likes being strong and in control, likes seeing me in tears, likes seeing me fight for my life.

I try to keep to an open mind, hope what I’m doing will make some sort of difference, try to imagine what my life would be like without him.

What exactly is she doing? You make it sound like she's staying there to help him? Then like she's trapped there? I just don't get it.

I always think about leaving him, but I have no where else. My family is in Montana and I have no friends in New York. So, I’m a caged bird, stuck here, everyday on the brink of death.

Ahhh Dx Don't end it on a whiny note please! This last line seems really melodramatic, and I don’t like it as an ending.

SO! Overall, it needs more emotion, and make it clearer. It sounds like a good idea, it just needs some work .

Good luck and keep writing!

~Hope

Oh my, bravo! I thought the first draft was good, but this is infinitely better. It's rather short, but then it's sweet too, so I really can't complain. I like how you're able to put so much emotion into such a small block of type, so to speak. I must admit, I was left wanting a little more backstory and such, but at least that shows you have generated a good amount of interest. Well done!

Very good piece of work. I think that you shoul have added a little more emotion. I like how the mirror was used.

This is done!
Yay, I got a 95% on my monologue!
So, i don't need more advice, so, *Locked*