Young Writers Society

I don't know if this is going to be a movie or a serie, but so far it's a movie. I think. xD

Hi, I'm Nephthys and I will looking at your script today.

bubblegum wrote:I know, it's just text, nothing else. I'm going to fix it later. Maybe, but that's what I've got so far. : )

I would fix it ASAP. Because you have no formatting, I have no idea what kind of a script this is supposed to be. Is it a screenplay? A stage play? A radio play? Because I don't know what kind of a script this is supposed to be my review is a lot less useful.

bubblegum wrote:- At the bar -

Give us an idea of what this bar is like - just a few words. Is it crowded, sketchy, exclusive?

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: I’ll be right back.

You might think it's obvious that your character exits, but you need to tell the reader this. Otherwise, if you have another scene where a character says that they're leaving and then stays to spy (Etc), we won't understand what is going on.

Also, who is Dakota? Again, just a few words. If this is a stage play, you should have a "dramatis personae" section at the start. If it's a screenplay, just give us a quick intro. (Ex: Dakota, 25, sullen stands at the bar). That being said, as Dakota is a fairly gender-neutral name- make sure that you let the reader know right away if they are male or female.

bubblegum wrote:LUCAS: So, do you have any plans for the weekend?

DAKOTA: Yeah, kind of.

What is going on here? Has Dakota left the room and entered a different room where Lucas is? Is Lucas in the same room as the old man?

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: Here you go.

OLD MAN: Thank you.

Ahh! Your lack of stage directions is REALLY confusing me! What does Dakota give the Old Man? I have NO IDEA what is going on!

bubblegum wrote:OLD MAN: Excuse me, but are you Alice? Joy Perez’ daughter?

Okay, now we know that Dakota is a girl, but it's a little late for that.

bubblegum wrote:MR LOVITT: Dakota?

Again, stage directions! Did Mr Lovitt enter, or was he there the whole time?

I would love to review this properly, but unfortunately it is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out what is going on without stage directions. If you want any actual reviews I would suggest adding some in ASAP. If this is a film script then there are a lot of other components that you need to add as well - just look up "screenplay formatting" on google, and you'll get tons of information.

Let me know when you've added in stage directions if you want me to give you a proper review. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

- Nephthys

Nephths did a whole lot of nitpicks but here's my best shot:
-Have a charecter list at the beggining of the script. I think that's how a real script would be.
- I agree with the above reviewer! SCREEN DIRECTIONS! Did they enter or were they there the whole time? Makes much more since that way.
- Ok, if this is a screen play put in camrea directions. (Pan in, close up... ect...)

- Describe why Dakota is at a bar with a old man. Or maybe background on ALison and Dakota. (Flashbacks in plays are ok and interesting!)

Thanks!

This is already 100x better!

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: Female, 17, long brown hair, blue eyes, wearing a bar uniform.

OLD MAN: Male, mid 50’s, brown hair with hints of gray, wearing formal clothes.

LUCAS: Male, handsome, 22, blonde hair, wearing a bar uniform.

MR LOVITT: Male, quite handsome, mid 40’s, black hair with hints of gray, wearing casual clothes.

ALISON: Female, short black hair with a couple of red stripes in it, 18, wearing a short red dress.

These are lovely character descriptions! However, if this is a screenplay, then you should put the descriptions within the script instead of at the start.

bubblegum wrote:- At the bar –

Alright, so, for a film script you'll want to replace this with a scene heading. (INT. A BAR. NIGHT) or (INT. THE DINOSAUR BAR. NIGHT) The key components to the scene heading are whether it's inside or outside (INT./EXT.) The basic location (ALFRED's HOUSE, THE BEACH etc) and the time of day. (DAY. DUSK. etc)

bubblegum wrote:It is late afternoon and Dakota is working her last shift that day.

This is where you'd put in your character descriptions. (DAKOTA, 17, wearing a uniform, stands behind the bar. It is her last shift of the day.) Notice how her name is in capitals - you should do this in EVERY scene, the first time that a character appears in the scene. This is so that it is easy to see which scenes each character is in. Also, you don't actually need to say that Dakota is "female" (Sorry if I was misleading). As long as you get a "she" in there sometime in the first sentence about her, then you're good.

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: What can I get you? (friendly)

Lovely use of a parenthetical, however, usually you would put the description before the line, so that we know that the line is supposed to be friendly, not that she says the line, and then becomes friendly.

bubblegum wrote:[i]The old man doesn’t look up, just stares out of the window.

This character is suddenly a lot more interesting

bubblegum wrote:waiting for him to pay for it.

As much as possible in a screenplay, it is good to say "she waits" instead of "she is waiting". (Present tense vs present continuous tense.)

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: That old man thought I was someone called Alice. Why is that?

It seems a little odd that Dakota is asking Lucas why the old man called her Alice. Maybe instead of "Why is that?" she could say "What's his problem?" or something that is asking more about the old man than his reasons.

bubblegum wrote:DAKOTA: Sure, but I have to hear with Aunt Lily first. I

Talk with?

Just a note about phone conversations: there are several ways that you can write them.

One is to stay with Dakota the whole time, in which case you should let the reader know that you haven't changed locations by writing (AUNT LILY (OOV)) (For Out Of View).

Another thing that you can do is create a split screen. I'm not entirely sure how you would indicate this, but I'm sure it's not too complicated.

Another effective way to have a phone conversation is to use the term "INTERCUT WITH:"

EX:

Billy's phone rings.



INTERCUT WITH:



INT. BETSY'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

BETSY, 22, cheerful, sits in a brightly coloured living room, painting her nails. She holds the phone in between her ear and her shoulder.


(ETC)

PLOT:
You've got me interested! It was a great idea to introduce a bit of weirdness right away (the old man) because it creates tension. We want to find out what his deal is!

CHARACTERS:
Some of your characters are quite interesting. However, I'm not really sure about Alison and Dakota. I think this is because a lot of your dialogue is fairly generic: "Dylan is having a party tonight, wanna go?" "Sure, why not?"

I have this problem too, so what I try to do is imagine an unusual way of saying something generic. Instead of "Dylan is having a party tonight", you could say "There's a party at Dylan's place tonight. He claims that there will be no more fireworks mishaps."

This adds a new dimension - instead of a simple statement of facts, we now understand that these characters have a shared back story, and are more interested in meeting this "Dylan".

Then, instead of "Sure, why not?", Dakota can say something that reveals more about her character. If she's a daredevil type she might say "Come on! The fireworks mishap was the best part!" if she's an orderly type she she might say "Good, because I don't want to spend the next four hours getting confetti out of my hair." (Etc). Creating unusual dialogue really helps you show off the wonderful characters that you've created

FORMATTING:

The easiest way for you to get used to using screenplay format is to read some professional ones. BBC Writersroom has a lot of interesting TV scripts to look at, and Daily Script has a lot of movie scripts.

Another resource that you can use to help you with your formatting is Celtx. It is an awesome free program that you can download which allows you to write your screenplays using proper formatting.

OVERALL:

This is an interesting script, and with a bit of new formatting it will be even better! Let me know when you post the next part- I look forward to reading it.