Young Writers Society

(Lights. JASPER is sitting in an armchair on Stage Right. DRAVEN enters Stage Left and paces in the foreground.)

JASPER: Back so soon?

DRAVEN: The moon's not out tonight.

JASPER: Still scared of the dark, Draven? (A beat.) You missed the party. Rose Montgomery came over.

(DRAVEN turns on him.)

DRAVEN: Why? What was she doing here?

JASPER: She asked how you were doing. Said she was worried about you. The child's priceless.

DRAVEN: She . . . she asked about me?

JASPER: She's the same as everyone else, Draven. Trying to play psychiatrist. You know that.

DRAVEN: (warily) What did you tell her?

JASPER: What should I have told her? That you're dying for love of her and you hope her--excuse me, your baby is doing fine? I told her you went for a walk. She would've waited for you, too, if I hadn't told her these "walks" of yours tend to last till two o'clock in the morning. I swear, that girl's a catch.

DRAVEN: You talk about her as if she were some kind of animal.

JASPER: A little lost lamb. . . . I mean, you look at her, and it's like she's . . . vulnerable, you know? Easy prey. (He looks keenly at DRAVEN, who refuses to meet his gaze.) Know what I mean?

DRAVEN: Yeah. . . .

JASPER: I can't imagine how that bastard who raped her lives with himself.

DRAVEN: He doesn't. . . .

(JASPER laughs.)

JASPER: So, little brother . . . why'd you do it?

(DRAVEN paces back and forth across the stage, his arms wrapped around himself.)

DRAVEN: I lost control. I let my emotions get away with me. I never meant to--to--

JASPER: (savoring the words) To rape her.

DRAVEN: I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. . . .

JASPER: Was it good?

(DRAVEN stops and stares at him.)

DRAVEN: Good? Good? I don't know . . . I don't know! It was wonderful . . . horrible. No, I can't--I don't want to remember it.

JASPER: (softly) Did she scream?

DRAVEN: Stop.

JASPER: Did she cry?

(DRAVEN covers his head with his hands.)

DRAVEN: Stop!

JASPER: Do you ever hear her screams in your head at night?

DRAVEN: Please. . . .

JASPER: Hear her crying, pleading. . . .

(DRAVEN looks upward.)

DRAVEN: Lord, I have asked forgiveness. . . .

JASPER: Who's this "Lord" you're talking to? There's exactly one other person in here, and that's me. Me, Draven. Who else has ever been there for you?

DRAVEN: (in a whisper) No one. . . .

JASPER: Exactly. And you'd do well to remember that. Because there's something I'm going to need your help with.

(DRAVEN stiffens at these words.)

DRAVEN: I already told you, I'm not doing it.

JASPER: Oh, but you will, little brother. You will. . . . Unless, of course, you wanted your dirty little secret to get around to the authorities. . . .

DRAVEN: What have I got to lose?

JASPER: What about your life? What about your future?

DRAVEN: My future? (He laughs.) I was never the one with the future.

JASPER: But a future . . . with her?

(A beat.)

DRAVEN: No . . . no, it's not possible. She couldn't . . . doesn't . . .

JASPER: Love you?

DRAVEN: Yes. I mean no! No. She could never love me.

JASPER: You sell yourself short, little brother. After all, she doesn't know you're the one who--

DRAVEN: (quickly cutting him off) Yeah, but . . . but . . . I couldn't do that. To her. I . . . I couldn't see her, every day, and touch her, and look into her eyes and know . . .

JASPER: But you want her. More than anything.

DRAVEN: It doesn't matter. She doesn't want me.

JASPER: I can get her for you.

(DRAVEN recoils, almost fearfully.)

DRAVEN: No.

JASPER: It'll be easy. Like leading a lamb to the slaughter. . . .

DRAVEN: Don't you dare touch her.

JASPER: Oh, I'm not the one who wants to touch her. . . .

DRAVEN: Shut up! Just shut up! I won't do it, Jasper; I won't do it.

JASPER: Listen to you, getting all excited. Look, all you have to do is help me out a bit with my . . . project. Good God, you should want to. Do you think I'm doing it for fun? No. No, it was Rose's mother who left Dad, like the bitch she was. And it was Rose's father who got Dad the death penalty, wasn't it? Our Dad, Draven. This is our revenge. Help me, little brother. Help me, and sweet little Rose Montgomery is all yours.

DRAVEN: Go to hell.

(JASPER stands up.)

JASPER: (angrily) You know what? Screw this. You're just a masochistic freak. I don't need your help. But you'll be needing mine before long; you mark my words. You think you're so noble with this whole guilt act, but I know you. You're weak. It's all well and good for you to claim you wouldn't hurt her, but one taste of her, one breath, and you'll do exactly what you did before. You're weak, Draven. And deep down inside, you know it.

(Lights.)

Really interesting. Kind of chilling, too!

I'll admit it: I love dialogues. They almost always lead to very quick and concise character definition, and this one is no different. I got an excellent sense of who these two guys are, their attitudes and relationships and mannerisms. I had the time and space to form my own conclusions and opinions without having personality traits rammed down my throat, too, which is great.

The dialogue itself was well done. Draven and Jasper played interestingly off of one another, and I believed what they were saying. I especially liked Draven's appeal to the Lord and Jasper's rebuttal.

My only complaint would be the predictability in the rise and fall of the action. We enter the scene, a little confused as to who they are and what's going on, quickly establish some ground rules followed immediately by conflict, watch the conflict and backstory play itself out, which leads to one character crumpling before the other, which leads to a definite resolution. It's neat and a familiar format for dialogue stretches, which means it lacks a little in realism. I would be really excited to see human touches of infalliability in their interaction-- some sort of physical fight, somebody walks in or out. Anything to disturb the gentle rise and fall of the action. They spend a lot of time hashing out the issue, but because it's a dialogue there's a distinct lack of tangible action.

Similarly...for me, this doesn't stand on its own. (Which may not be a problem at all for you, if that wasn't what you were intending.) There were hints at supernatural and past conflicts that I wanted to know about, and was dissatisfied at not getting every conclusion. But hey, if this was ongoing then that's a good thing!

Thanks for the read!

Dissolved

Hey there!

I love reading dialogues like these! It is the kind of story that doesn't fully resolve in the end, but that was a good thing. It was very quick, but that was also alright.

Another thing I liked is that the characters seemed believable. That is something a lot of people struggle with, and I can tell that you had it down for this one.

The only thing that I can say is something that is pretty minor. You have a lot of these: "..." (I forget what they are called). This is something you see in scripts when the author wants the character to cut themselves off.

A little lost lamb. . . . I mean, you look at her, and it's like she's . . . vulnerable, you know?

That line that you had is an example of that.

Now, when you want someone else to cut of a character, generally, script writers will use this: "--" In word, the lines should combine. Here is another example:

Before:

Lord, I have asked forgiveness. . . .

After:

Lord, I have asked forgiveness --

Then the other character will cut him off. It is just a way to distinguish between when the character us cutting themselves off or if someone else is. Mainly to avoid confusion.

Other than that, this was a really well done dialogue! Keep it up!

I really enjoyed this! Within the first few lines you had grabbed my attention, and it felt like you had a great pace throughout.

I like two brothers very much. I have a good idea of what they're like in my head, which is amazing seeing as how you only described them through your dialogue. It makes me eager to see what some of your other characters are like, especially Rose.

The only thing I found slightly off-putting was the last bit.

JASPER: (angrily) You know what? Screw this. You're just a masochistic freak. I don't need your help. But you'll be needing mine before long; you mark my words. You think you're so noble with this whole guilt act, but I know you. You're weak. It's all well and good for you to claim you wouldn't hurt her, but one taste of her, one breath, and you'll do exactly what you did before. You're weak, Draven. And deep down inside, you know it.

I pictured Jasper and Draven older, maybe around 30 or 40, mostly because of the adult theme. It felt kind of weird to have one of them say "screw this" because it sounds like something a teenager would say. But maybe your characters actually are younger, and the image in my head is the one that's wrong. Either way, it might help if you gave us an idea on how old they were.

Also, it's just my opinion, but I thought the 'mark my words' bit was a tad cliche. Instead of the speech, maybe it would be more effective if you had him storm out of the room.

All in all, I thought this was a great start, and it was suspenseful enough to make me wish there was more! Good luck with writing the rest!

~blacksheep

Ooh...very good. Probably in part because I have a thing for distraught male characters (cough cough Draven! cough cough)... But it was very good, very dark but very good. I like the fact that you can see a definite difference in the characters just through their dialogue, and I like how this very nearly tells a whole story in this one scene. I didn't feel confused while reading or like I needed more information than what I had in the scene. One quick question, and maybe it's a stupid one...in a way it felt like these two characters were vampires. Now, I don't know if you're into the whole vampire craze (I personally am not, unless it's GOOD, but a lot of it's junk in my opinion), but anyways, there were a few things in here that made me think vampire...so I pointed those out, wondering if I'm right or if there's another reason for these lines being the way they are. And I also put in the few true nitpicks I have.

(DRAVEN turns on him.) [this should be "turns TO him" - "turns ON him" is a phrase used in sudden betrayals, you know...it sounds like Draven's about to kill Jasper or something (not that I would blame him if he did). Just a minor thing, but still.]

JASPER: She asked how you were doing. Said she was worried about you. The child's priceless. [She's clearly not a child, if she has one and if Draven's in love with her...is this because Jasper is just incredibly old? I think this may be part of what led me to randomly think they were vampires - calling her a child makes Jasper seem like he must be immortal or something...]

JASPER: She's the same as everyone else, Draven. Trying to play psychiatrist. You know that. [why is everyone trying to play psychiatrist? Because Draven's been, to understate it, "down" because of his guilt? You don't have to say why in this scene, since I'm sure it's explained elsewhere - I'm just curious.]

JASPER: What should I have told her? That you're dying for love of her and you hope her--excuse me, your baby is doing fine? I told her you went for a walk. She would've waited for you, too, if I hadn't told her these "walks" of yours tend to last till two o'clock in the morning. I swear, that girl's a catch. [More info about these "walks" elsewhere? Also, are they merely walks if Jasper uses quotes around the word "walks"?]

JASPER: A little lost lamb. . . . I mean, you look at her, and it's like she's . . . vulnerable, you know? Easy prey. (He looks keenly at DRAVEN, who refuses to meet his gaze.) Know what I mean? [I think the "easy prey" line also made me think "vampire" - which is very unusual because vampires are not usually on my mind to begin with...]

DRAVEN: Yeah. . . . [does Jasper cut him off here, or is he just trailing off? If he's trailing off, this is fine as written - if he's getting cut off, hyphens as you use later on]

JASPER: I can't imagine how that bastard who raped her lives with himself.

DRAVEN: He doesn't. . . . [I love this line after the previous. Even though that line shows you what Draven did, which should disgust you, this line makes you feel sorry for him and horrified at the same time. Excellent.]

JASPER: Oh, I'm not the one who wants to touch her. . . . [This is a line I would have cut off by Draven's next line, considering how badly Jasper is now bating him - change to hyphens if you decide you also want it cut off]

DRAVEN: Shut up! Just shut up! I won't do it, Jasper; I won't do it.

JASPER: Listen to you, getting all excited. Look, all you have to do is help me out a bit with my . . . project. Good God, you should want to. Do you think I'm doing it for fun? No. No, it was Rose's mother who left Dad, like the bitch she was. And it was Rose's father who got Dad the death penalty, wasn't it? Our Dad, Draven. This is our revenge. Help me, little brother. Help me, and sweet little Rose Montgomery is all yours. [what's all this about her mom and their dad and her dad? I assume this is also explained earlier on, before this scene - or will be if you decide to write a whole script around this - but this was the one part that really did confuse me.]

So, there are nitpicks, but again - this was really, really good, and I'd like to read more about it. Keep up the good work!

~Blue