Young Writers Society

FInal Draft, right here! In a strange turn of events, I'm actually allowed to do this for my class, so i should say thanks! Thanks, guys! Thoughts on this draft?

Emily Peace-19 years old, female

[Emily is sitting alone in her bedroom, sitting on her bed. She clutches a little teddy bear, a small gift. She is well dressed, though a sweater hides a large bandage on her right forearm. There is a cut on her cheek, which is still red with blood.]

Love. Why love? I mean, it’s not like I’m not in love with him. I mean, every time I see him, my heart races, I blush and I feel like a fifth grader again. He’s amazing. I mean, he’s amazing when he’s sober. [Smile fades as she looks into the distance] At first, it truly was pure love. There were romantic walks by the moonlight, picnics and random little presents. [Throws teddy bear onto the floor.] Then he changed, and not for the better.
It wasn’t even his fault. It was the drinking and the drugs. I always felt like I should be with him, make sure he didn’t go too crazy. [Short, harsh laugh] It never worked. [Her voice begins to become faster.] I always tried to hide my fear, make it look like he didn’t scare me. That was all a lie. He knew it and I knew it. [Emily crosses to downstage left, sits down at a desk and looks in a mirror] When I resisted, he rewarded me with the bruises, cuts and burns. He liked being strong and in control, liked seeing me in tears, liked seeing me fight for my life. [Emily puts down the mirror and stares into the audience.] The funny thing was that I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without him. [Stands up, crosses to centre stage] He was my world. He’s everything to me, and I’m nothing without him.
[Pauses, sits back down on the bed. You hear a small sigh as BLACKOUT!]

Congratulations on being able to perform it for your drama class!This has come a long way since the first two drafts, and I really like this version. Okay, now on to the nitpicking. First,

wickedwonder wrote:here were romantic walks by the moonlight, picnics and random little presents.

There are two things I noticed her. First, it should be romantic walks in the moonlight, not by the moon light. Second, there should be a comma after picnics.

wickedwonder wrote:[Her voice begins to become faster.]

This sounds awkward. Instead, try something like just "speaking faster". That way, it's shorter and not quite so strangely worded.

wickedwonder wrote:That was all a lie. He knew it and I knew it.

Here, you have just said that she tries to hide her fear, so she is obviously not being genuine with him. To make it sound more natural and less redundant, you could say something similar to: "But that was a lie, and we both knew it.
Additionally, near the end you completely change from past tense to present tense. As a side note, in stage directions, you can usually leave out article adjectives if they refer to set pieces like a desk, or the bed. Hope this helps!

I think its great! you never cease to amaze me! (: