The Looking Glass (Part one)

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Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:38 pm

SisterItaly says...

MALL FOODCOURT-MID-DAY

(We open to a close up of Stacy's face, she looks determined as she walks forward. We zoom out to see her walking in the mall, her expression suddenly changes to extremly happy. We zoom out some more to see a girl walking forward. They close in the space and hug, we zoom in to the two girls. Then zoom in to Stacy's face.)

Stacy

Hey Tiffy! Ready for lunch? I'm starved.

(The girls pull out of the hug, and smile at each other, as we zoom back out to the two girls. Tiffany looks concerned.)

Tiffany

Oh gees! How long have you been waiting for us?

(Stacy shrugs and shakes her head slightly)

Stacy

Not long really, but can we cut the chatter and go eat? Before my stomach leaves me.

(The girls giggle and run off, we see something glint nearby, and we zoom in to a bench were a goth girl is sitting on a bench, an antique looking glass in her hands, she is staring up at Stacy, then back down at the looking glass. She puts it in her bag)

MALL FOODCOURT - TIFFANY AND STACY'S TABLE

(The girls set down a tray of food, buger, fries, and a soft drink. Tiffany sits down in front of her tray, and we see a light shine on Stacy's face. She blocks it with her hand and tries to look over to see where it is coming from. When that fails she looks over to Tiffany.)

Stacy

Hey, Tiff... I'll be right back. I want to see where that light is coming from.

(we cut to Tiffany's face. Tiffany looks up and nods, then gazes over to where Stacy was looking.)

Tiffany

Ok, I'll watch your food. Be back fast.

(we cut back to Stacy, as she smiles and walks towards the the girl with the mirror. The gothic girl doesn't look up, she just continues to look into the mirror. Stacy approaches her uneasily. and clears her throat, the girl tilts her head up a bit and lifts her gaze to Stacy.

Girl

Can I help you?

Stacy

Sorry to bother you, but your mirror keeps flashing in my face. Can you please be a little more careful with it.

(The Gothic girl looks up and smirks. Holding the mirror towards Stacy.)

Girl

They say this looking glass is magic, and only the most beautiful girls can see themselves in it.

(Stacy looks at the girl uneasily, then then pushes it away with one hand)

Stacy

That's OK. I don't need a mirror to tell me I'm pretty.

(The girl shrugs and puts the mirror back in her bag, as Stacy walks off, we zoom in, to her face, she is smirking. Some what evily. We cut scene and return to Stacy and Tiffany's table, as stacy sits down.)

Stacy

(exhales heavily)

That was weird.

(Tiffany looks up to Stacy, with a confused look.)

Tiffany

What was?

(Looks over to to where Stacy just came from)

Stacy

Nothing, let's just eat.

(The girls begin to eat, but Stacy turns her head, we cut to the bag that contains the mirror, then Stacy's face. She has a longing expression.)

"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.

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Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:03 pm

Vasticity says...

hey, amu. Lemme start off by saying you almost have the formatting right. But I'll just list off the issues. First off, when you list a character's name, just before they begin their dialog, you have to capatalize that name. Also, all character names, dialog below the character names, and parentheticals must be in the center of the page, while actions and shots are not. Also, actions are not in parentheses or brackets. (this is a common mistake) Other than that, you have a good plot and good formatting, which is more than I can say for a lot of beginners. Keep writing!

And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.

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Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:09 pm

Abigail_W. says...

Hi Allmixedup! Part one of this play proved to be fileld with interesting concepts, though I have a few improvements that you could make.

:arrow:

Italics are a very important thing for a playwriter to be able to use. They make it so much easier for the reader, and in BBC code they are simply the letter "I" in brackets. Also, when someone is speaking, their words usually go on the same line as their name.

:arrow:

Even though the production will most likely not have to be read by the audience, it will have to be read by the director, or whoever else is involved in the making of the play. So, correct spelling and grammar is still important. Capitalize the beginnings of your sentences and make sure your don't have any fragments.

allmixedup wrote:Not long really, but can we cut the chatter and go eat? Before my stomach leaves me.

...

Hey, Tiff... I'll be right back. I want to see where that light is coming from.

If Stacey was so hungry, why would she let some little annoying light in her eye stop her from devouring her meal? I know what you are trying to get at, but perhaps you could thing of some different circumstance for Stacey to be in when the light hits her eye.

Overall, you have a very nice platform for a play here. Keep writing, and I'd like to see more of your work!

http://www.abbysroad.tumblr.com

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Fri Aug 06, 2010 5:01 am

Yuriiko says...

Hey there, amu!

Here to you-know-what. :wink:

allmixedup wrote:MALL FOODCOURT-MID-DAY

(We open to a close up of Stacy's face, she looks determined as she walks forward. We zoom out to see her walking in the mall, her expression suddenly changes to extremely happy. We zoom out (wait-- you just said "we zoom out" twice. Personally, repetition annoys me and the tone of your main character here sounds snappy a bit) some more to see a girl walking forward. They close in the space and hug, we zoom (zoom strikes three) in to the two girls. Then zoom (strike four) in to Stacy's face.)

Stacy

Hey Tiffy! Ready for lunch? I'm starved.

(The girls pull out of the hug, and smile at each other, as we zoom back out to the two girls. Tiffany looks concerned.)

Tiffany

Oh gees! How long have you been waiting for us?

(Stacy shrugs and shakes her head slightly)

Stacy

Not long really, but can we cut the chatter and go eat? Before my stomach leaves me. (This sounds awkward to read though I understand this, still I have to read this thrice. I suggest you rephrase that)

(The girls giggle and run off, we see something glint nearby, and we zoom (again with this) in to a bench were a goth girl is sitting on a bench, an antique looking glass (antique looking glass? That's too... *shrugs* I don't know. xD) in her hands, she is staring up at Stacy, then back down at the looking glass. She puts it in her bag)

MALL FOODCOURT (I don't think you need to emphasize food court here since you've already posted it at the beginning)- TIFFANY AND STACY'S TABLE

(The girls srt down a tray of food, buger, fries, and a soft drink. Tiffany sits (you changed tenses)down in front of her tray, and we see a light shine on Stacy's face. She blocks it with her hand and tries to look over to see where it is coming from. When that fails she looks over to Tiffany.)

Stacy

Hey, Tiff... I'll be right back. I want to see where that light is coming from.

(we cut to Tiffany's face. Tiffany looks up and nods, then gazes over to where Stacy was looking.)

Tiffany

Ok, I'll watch your food. Be back fast.

(we cut back to Stacy, as she smiles and walks towards the the girl with the mirror. The gothic girl doesn't look up, she just continues to look into the mirror. Stacy approaches her uneasily. (unnecessary period) and clears her throat, the girl tilts her head up a bit and lifts her gaze to Stacy.

Girl

Can I help you?

Stacy

Sorry to bother you, but your mirror keeps flashing in (on) my face. Can you please be a little more careful with it?

(The Gothic girl looks up and smirks, holding the mirror towards Stacy.)

Girl

They say this looking glass is magic, and only the most beautiful girls (most beautiful girls? or most beautiful girl? it's in a superlative form.) can see themselves in it.

(Stacy looks at the girl uneasily, then then pushes it away with one hand)

Stacy

That's OK. I don't need a mirror to tell me I'm pretty.

(The girl shrugs and puts the mirror back in her bag, as Stacy walks off, we zoom in, to her face, she is smirking. Some what evily. We cut scene and return to Stacy and Tiffany's table, as stacy sits down.)

Stacy

(exhales heavily)

That was weird.

(Tiffany looks up to Stacy, with a confused look.)

Tiffany

What was?

(Looks over to to where Stacy just came from)

Stacy

Nothing, let's just eat.

(The girls begin to eat, but Stacy turns her head, we cut to the bag that contains the mirror, then Stacy's face. She has a longing expression.)

All in all:

This needs huge revising, amu. Why? You tend to switch tenses all over the place, the flow seems too rush and it doesn't look realistic. It feels like this is lacking with more information. Plus, you keep on repeating words like the word "zoom". Although the magic mirror sounds interesting but still, I honestly have to say I didn't quite enjoy this. I know you have much more up to your sleeve than what you're offering right here, when it comes to the potential of this piece. I know that, amu. You should review this piece before officially posting it here. I know we writers have our ups and down and maybe considering your reviewers' suggestion might help lift up this piece into a very good script because the concept behind this is impressive and quite motivating for your readers to read more upcoming chapters. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

EDIT: and about that zoom thing, are they bring a videocamera or something?

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal

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Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:14 am

BondGirl007 says...

So I'm going to do a pretty in depth review, I'll be changing the format, comments in blue, corrections in red. You said shred it, so that's what I did.

allmixedup wrote: MALL FOODCOURT-MID-DAY

(We open to a close up of Stacy's face, she looks determined as she walks forward. We~~zoom out to~~ see her walking in ~~the~~ a mall, her expression suddenly changes to extremely happy. We zoom out some more to see a girl walking forward. Yeah, cause you know we might make a mistake and think she's walking backwards instead. Also it's repetitive since you already said how Stacy too is walking forward. They close in the space and hug, Okay. What in the world does this even mean? They close in the space? Do you mean they walked toward each other? we zoom in to the two girls. Then zoom in to Stacy's face.)

Okay, so this is I assume supposed to be a movie script, because in a play you wouldn't have all this zoom, zoom, zooming. I don't really think you need to put the stuff about Stacy's facial expressions, because it seems kind of weird how she looks determined walking into a mall, know what I mean?

Stacy- Hey Tiffy! Ready for lunch? I'm starved.

(The girls pull out of the hug, and smile at each other, as we zoom back out to the two girls. Tiffany looks concerned.) Oh good god, how much zooming and facial expressions can you have? We aren't even a quarter of the way in yet!

Tiffany- Oh gees! How long have you been waiting for us? Us? As far as I can tell there's only two girls, so why s she saying us like she's talking about more then herself? Also I assumed Stacy had just arrived at the mall, not that she was waiting, so make it clearer please.

(Stacy shrugs ~~and~~shakesing her head slightly)

Stacy- Not long really, but can we cut the chatter and go eat? Before my stomach leaves me. Before your stomach leaves you... Wow that's a new one, that doesn't really even make sense xD She's so hungry so her stomach decides to get up and walk away because she won't feed it?

(The girls giggle and run off, we see something glint nearby, and we zoom in to a bench were a goth girl is sitting on a bench, an antique looking glass in her hands, she is staring up at Stacy, then back down at the looking glass. She puts it in her bag)

~~MALL FOODCOURT -~~ TIFFANY AND STACY'S TABLE

(The girls set down a tray of food, burger, fries, and a soft drink. Tiffany sits down in front of her tray,So this, contradicts what you said before, "The girls set down *A* tray of food, meaning one singular tray. But then here you say "Tiffany sits down in front of *HER* tray, meaning that there would have to be more then one tray for the need to define which tray she's sitting in front of. and we see a light shine on Stacy's face. She blocks it with her hand and tries to look over to see where it is coming from. When that fails she looks over to Tiffany.)

Stacy- Hey, Tiff... I'll be right back. I want to see where that light is coming from.

(we cut to Tiffany's face. Tiffany looks up and nods, then gazes over to where Stacy was looking.) Okay there's only so much gazing and looking action you can have without it getting repetitive and it's already at this point

Tiffany- Ok, I'll watch your food. Be back fast.

(we cut back to Stacy, asshe ~~smiles and~~ walks towards the ~~the~~ girl with the mirror. ~~The~~ Gothic girl ~~doesn't look up, she just~~ continues to look into the mirror. Stacy approaches her uneasily, and clears her throat. The girl ~~tilts her head up a bit and~~ lifts her gaze to Stacy.

Girl- Can I help you?

Stacy- Sorry to bother you, but your mirror keeps flashing in my face. Can you please be a little more careful with it.

(~~The~~ Gothic girl looks up and smirks, holding the mirror towards Stacy.)

Girl- They say this looking glass is magic, and only the most beautiful girls can see themselves in it.

(Stacy looks at the girl uneasily, then then pushes it away with one hand)

Stacy- That's OK. I don't need a mirror to tell me I'm pretty.

(The girl shrugs and puts the mirror back in her bag, as Stacy walks off, we zoom in, to her Now I assume the her you are referring to is the gothic girl, but this seems like you're saying Stacy is smirking, please make it clearer. face, she is smirking, some what evilly. We cut scene and return to Stacy and Tiffany's table, as Stacy sits down.)

Stacy- (exhales heavily) That was weird.

(Tiffany looks upto at Stacy~~, with a~~ confused ~~look~~.)

Tiffany- What was?

(Looks over to to where Stacy just came from)

Stacy- Nothing, let's just eat.

(The girls begin to eat, but Stacy turns her head. We cut to the bag that contains the mirror, then Stacy's face. She has a longing expression.)

Okay well this as you can see needs a lot of editing, it's alright for a rough draft, but needs work.

The dialog which is the single most important thing in a script, because that's what defines the characters, the way they talk, since we have no mental pictures to go on. Truth be told, it's rather flat and boring in my opinion. Not really that realistic, and frankly dull. See you write scripts like a story, you don't have to add unnecessary things like

and we see a light shine on Stacy's face. She blocks it with her hand and tries to look over to see where it is coming from.

Can simply be "A light shines on Stacy's face. She looks to see the source" You don't really need too much "and she does this" "But she does that" Just simply state what she's doing.

So hope you find some of this helpful, good luck with editing.

~Hope

"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."

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Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:25 pm

ShayM says...

Hey there! Most of the things i want to touch up on have already been stated so ill just try in say it in my own words and thoughts.
I agree will allmixedup, there's to much zooming going on, if its really necessary then try using other words like...'focus in' or close up.
I got confused sometimes on who was talking or who had what expression, so if you'd like you can capitalize( or such)the name to make it clear.
Also would someone really get up if a light was bothering them? Couldn't Stacy just have moved her chair and put her back to it? I think you need to add a bit more to that.
But over all i am really interested in reading the rest, so keep revising and writing!

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Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:45 pm

craftywriter says...

Hey AMU this is craftywriter.We chatted together? Anyway, your piece totally captivated me. You seriosly need to write more. It's really clever plot line you just need to expand it more to add more understanding. The place is different and I enjoyed the charecters. Lastly, you may wanna change the name or people might think there looking at something related to Alice in Wonderland. Good Work, though!

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