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Young Writers Society


Atomization (Part Two)



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Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:51 pm
Vasticity says...



INT. NATHANIEL'S HOUSE-MIDNIGHT

Nathaniel opens the door that leads into his home. The lights are all shut off. He drops a bag that he was carrying onto the floor, and turns the light switch on, leaving the *door open. He sits down on a chair next to him, in front of a dining table. He rubs his eyes, and pulls out the bag with the key in it, throwing it on the table. He stares at it for a few moments, then sighs and gets up. He then walks over to his refrigerator, and opens it, looking inside for a few seconds. Pulling out a beer, he looks at the key, resting on the table. He sighs, and walks over to the table, putting his drink down on the table. Picking up the key, he gets an unsure look on his face.

NATHANIEL
(Exhales)
Well... what the hell.


He opens up the bag, reaches inside, and pulls out the key, marveling at the complex design of it. He then walks out of the house, shutting the door behind him. Through the panes of glass in the door, we can see him walk to his car, get inside, start it, and drive away.

EXT. WAREHOUSE-MIDNIGHT

Nathaniel pulls up in his car in front of the warehouse, and shuts off the car. He gets out, walks around the car, and walks to the warehouse. He steps in front of the large garage-style door, and picks up the padlock that holds the two doors together in the palm of his hand. With his free hand, he pulls the key from his pocket, sticks it into the keyhole, and turns it. The shackle is released from the body of the lock. Nathaniel the lock from the hole, and sets it aside. He the pushes on the left door, sliding it open slowly. After it's totally open, he turns on a flashlight, and shines it around the room. Inside is a collection of boxes and piles of rusty discarded metal.

NATHANIEL
(Sighs)
I should've known.


INT. WAREHOUSE-MIDNIGHT

Nathaniel walks into the warehouse, clearing cobwebs with his free hand as he walks along. He walks for a few moments, then stops where he stands. From the right, there is a light shining on him. Nathaniel looks over, and sees a door, with light shining through a tiny pane at the top of it. He walks over and tries to open the door, but it is stuck. After a few seconds of pulling, he, exhausted, tries to put the same key in the lock, and turns. Lots of strange tumbling noises emit from the door, and it suddenly creaks open. Nathaniel opens it and walks inside. In the center of the room are four computers, set on a desk with a chair in front of it. Four large cables extend from each of the computer monitors. They individually lead to four different large, metal, cylinder-like devices. These cylinders have doors leading inside. Nathaniel walks up to the computer, and pushes the space bar. The third cylinder opens. Nathaniel gulps, and walks over to the cylinder. Sitting inside is a small book, with a brown leather cover. A string is attached to the book that leads to a tag that reads, 'For Nathaniel, my brother, whom I love.' Nathaniel picks it up and attempts to open it, but there is a lock holding the cover together. Nathaniel is confused at first, but then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the box the Priest gave to him. He opens it and pulls out a large brass key. He inserts it into the lock, and turns, opening the book. He takes the key out, and puts it back into his pocket. He opens the book up, and reads it, as he walks over to the table in the middle of the room.

ALAN (V.O.)
Nathaniel, I have written this manual so that I can train you in the ways of the machine that I have built. This book will teach you how the machine works, what it's made of and how each part contributes to the working of the machine, how to make it work, and the rules of it. You are free do what you wish the machine. After all, it's yours now. I just ask that you don't use it carelessly. A lot of preparation and time went into this device, and I don't want it gone in a heartbeat. Now then, let's begin. 1. The basic function of the device. The F.A.D., or Film Alteration Device, takes data from a DVD movie that contains the profile of one character. By profile, I mean that character's personality, all that he or she does throughout the movie, etc., etc. The machine takes out human aspects from the data stream, such as appearance and vocals, and modifies them so that they match your own. Your own human aspects are determined in a test beforehand, which I will explain later. After this data transaction is completed, you go in any of the four cylinders that are connected to the computer mainframe. These cylinders are called Digi-Link Transporters, for future reference. Anyway, you step inside, and multiple beams will hit vital areas and veins of your body. Two on the outside of your elbows, two on each of your wrists, one in the back of your head, one on your forehead, two in your eyes, and one on your heart. These beams will then turn into a high-powered electrical laser that will turn your body into a string of binary code. This string will then be imprinted on the data disc where the character that has been picked out for you previously was. Once this process is complete, the DVD in the drive of the computers will automatically run. The two beams that hit your brain actually protect your brain from completely becoming the character. Once the DVD is running, you are free to do what you wish and make your own thoughts. You are not just a data stream, though the characters around you are. No matter what you do to them, they're nothing more than holograms. For instance, if you try to punch them, your fist will go straight through their head, and they will continue doing whatever they do in the movie at that point. We'll discuss this more in later chapters. Now on to chapter 2...


Alan's voice trails off, and we fade to black.
Last edited by Vasticity on Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.
  





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Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:03 pm
SisterItaly says...



VAS YAY! It's finally UP! Cliff hanger... Now I MUST read the next part! love it vas!
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.
  





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Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:19 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Vast! I haven't read Part One, so I'm just sort of going to hop right into this. I hope that's alright...

I. NITPICKS

The lights are all shut off.


I'd just say off, but each to their own.

He drops a bag that he was carrying onto the floor,


He's just randomly carrying a bag? Was he carrying it in the last scene?

Nathaniel the lock from the hole,


huh?
Lots of strange tumbling noises emit from the door, and it suddenly creaks open.


I don't think the suddenly is expressing this right.

NATHANIEL
What am I about to do?


What a question to ask yourself. What's wrong with, "What am I doing?" "What am I about to do?" suggests you're actually considering your options, which he doesn't seem to be.

II. OVERALL

I don't have much to say. I'm not much of a script reader, so I don't know how good your prose is meant to be. It's not really exciting, but it does the job of listing very exactly what he does. The lack of dialogue does annoy me, but that's because I'm a dialogue-driven person. Sorry, I'm not much help. It's good, I guess, because I don't have anything bad to say ^^

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sun Aug 15, 2010 12:11 am
BondGirl007 says...



So! Since this chapter is mostly action, and very very little dialogue, you really have to make sure the action is entertaining. Currently the action you have is kind of tedious, and difficult to read, so the biggest piece of advice is read through the action and make sure that there are no run ons and stuff like that.

Also I noticed you used the work "walk" a lot, so make sure you cut back on some of those. I'm liking it so far, although I wish it wasn't so much like trying to make it interesting with "the biggest technological thing that will change history forever, but we're going to try and keep it a secret for drama's sake" I would subtly hint at it, instead of coming right out and saying it. Hope that made sense xD.

Anyway on to the next part!

Good luck and keep writing!

~Hope
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Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
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