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Atomization (Part One)



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Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:37 pm
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Vasticity says...



EXT. GRAVEYARD-EVENING

Rain begins to fall from a dark, overcast sky, onto a crowd of funeral-goers, standing in front of a closed casket. The people open up black umbrellas and cover themselves and others. The coffin is slowly lowered into the pit that is dug for it. The camera slowly zooms in on a young man, NATHANIEL KUBRICK. He is looking down into the hole, with no emotions on his face, as the coffin is elevated down. He looks over to the gravestone on his right, which reads, 'Alan Kubrick: Son, Brother, Father, Friend. 1968-2010'. Men begin to shovel dirt onto the coffin once it has been lowered entirely. The reception walks away, their heads bowed, leaving Nathaniel looking at the coffin being covered with dirt. After a few moments, he sighs, and walks away. Before he leaves, the Priest running the ceremony puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

PRIEST
Nathaniel, wait.

NATHANIEL
What is it, Father?

PRIEST
I want to give you something. When I was... with your brother at his side when he passed on, he requested me to give this to you, and you alone.

The Priest hands Nathaniel a small silver box. Nathaniel attempts to open it, but the Priest stops him.

PRIEST
He also told me... that you shouldn't open it in public.

Nathaniel, obviously confused, puts the box into his left coat pocket.

NATHANIEL
Uh, Thank you, Father.

PRIEST
You're welcome. I'm sorry for your loss, son.

Nathaniel nods, and walks over to a car. He unlocks the door, and sits on the driver's seat. He lies his head on the steering wheel. After a few moments, he sits up straight, pulls the box from his pocket, and throws it onto the passenger's seat. Then he shuts his door, puts the key into the ignition, turns the car on, and drives out of the parking lot, and off into the distance.

INT. OFFICE-DAY

Nathaniel opens the door to an office. Sitting at a desk in the middle of the room is Nathaniel's lawyer, JACK MCDOWELL. Jack motions Nathaniel to a seat in front of his desk.

JACK
Take a seat. I want to discuss your inheritance.

Nathaniel does as he is told, and once he is sitting down, Jack takes out a file from a file cabinet behind him, to his left. He sets it on the table, and opens it. He pulls out a piece of paper, and looks through it for a few moments. Afterwards, he sets the paper down and looks at Nathaniel.

JACK
Okay, so this says that you get 1/8th of his funds. And 1/8th out of his 2000 dollars is 160 dollars. The only other thing he left to you is an old abandoned warehouse that he bought back in '99.

NATHANIEL
Yeah, I remember when he got that. Do you know what's inside?

JACK
Well, that's not really any of our business.

Jack pulls a small plastic zip-up bag, that contains a key. He hands it to Nathaniel, who takes it.

JACK
Was it important to him?

NATHANIEL
I know he went there a lot. He never let us know what he was doing in there. Mom actually got suspicious a lot.

JACK
Well now... the mystery will be solved.

He hands Nathaniel a piece of paper. Written on this paper is a deed to the warehouse. Jack pushes a pen towards Nathaniel. He picks it up and signs his name at the bottom of the page.

NATHANIEL
And that's it?

JACK
He didn't really have a lot other than that. And what he did have, he donated to charity.

NATHANIEL
That's Alan for you.

Jack chuckles. Nathaniel gets up.

JACK
Hold on, Nathaniel.

NATHANIEL
(Sitting down)
What is it?

JACK
One day before he.... passed on, he called me.

NATHANIEL
About what?

JACK
A patent. He was so excited about it, he told me that it was going to change the field of technology forever.

NATHANIEL
Well, what was it?

JACK
He said he couldn't tell me. That I would have to see it for myself. We set up to meet at the warehouse the next morning. He died two hours later. Obviously, seeing what he was talking about was not going to happen. I think he knew he was going to die. He wanted to share whatever this fantastic invention was to anyone that was close to him. Either you or me, or your parents, anyone. I think the reason he left this place to you was so that you could carry on this dream of his.

NATHANIEL
Jack, you're acting like this is going to be the technological find of the century. I mean, Alan didn't even pass through college!

JACK
Think about it, Nate. Einstein? He had bad grades in school.

NATHANIEL
(Laughing)
What, so you're telling me that Alan is the next Einstein?

JACK
All I'm trying to say is that maybe you should think about what your brother was trying to do in his last moments before you make any rash decisions with that building, like tearing it down. Sometimes... you don't have to be good in school to be a genius.

Nathaniel scoffs, grabs the bag with the key inside of it and the deed to the warehouse off the table, gets out of his chair, and walks out of the room. Jack sits there in silence for a few moments. He sighs, then puts the file away.

I suspect I'm going to be flooding the Scripts section with parts of this particular movie, seeing as how I'm making it feature-length. (I'm planning to sell it.) So, if you're really that interested, you'll have to read a lot. :smt045 I'm also asking you to please review and read, because this is important to me.
Last edited by Vasticity on Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:44 pm
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SisterItaly says...



YAY! I like this vasy! *clicks like a million times over!* Reviewing scripts isn't really my thing. But in my opinion this will be a GREAT movie!
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:54 pm
AngerManagement says...



Rain begins to fall from a dark, overcast sky, onto a crowd of funeral-goers, standing in front of a closed casket. The people open up black umbrellas and cover themselves and others. The coffin is slowly lowered into the pit that is dug for it. The camera slowly zooms in on a young man, NATHANIEL KUBRICK. He is looking down into the hole, with no emotions on his face, as the coffin is elevated down. He looks over to the gravestone on his right, which reads, 'Alan Kubrick: Son, Brother, Father, Friend. 1968-2010'. Men begin to shovel dirt onto the coffin once it has been lowered entirely. The reception walks away, their heads bowed, leaving Nathaniel looking at the coffin being covered with dirt. After a few moments, he sighs, and walks away. Before he leaves, the Priest running the ceremony puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
When I saw this I thought it was a story, I think this is a bit too much info. Perhaps you could cut it down a bit.

I like this although I feel as though I know where it's going. This reads like it would be a good movie. I'd love to read more so PM me when you post the rest.

Keep Writing.

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:59 pm
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TheEnigma says...



I don't know much about scripts, but I can say, I liked this quite a bit. I could see the characters in my head like it was actually a movie. You do a great job of establishing each scene, and writing out your characters' actions. Their dialgoue is very realistic, too, not overly dramatic.
I do think in some places--in the first paragraph for example--you go a little too much into the story. For example, when you describe your MC's facial expression, I feel like that's too much. Maybe leave that to the actors :)
  





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Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:00 pm
BondGirl007 says...



Okay, so three quick things on this one-

Formatting! Dooo ett!

Jack's dialog- I feel like it's kind of like in one of those movies where it's too lazy to show you what's going on so they have a character explain all the important plot points to another character. Which is something I hate.

And lastly I thought for the longest time that Alan was Nathanial's Dad, so you might want to clear that up a little.

So good luck, keep writing, and I'm off to the next part!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
  








That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
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