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Scavengers (Scene One of Ten)



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Sun Jan 24, 2010 8:20 pm
Vasticity says...



Due to a sudden drop in actors, I had to rewrite. 3 characters have been taken from the film.

SCAVENGERS (SCENE ONE)

(We open to an empty field, wind rushing through the tall grass. The sky is dark and cloudy, as though it is about to rain)

ADRIAN REED, VOICE-OVER:
In 2015, opposing countries launched multiple atomic bombs at the U.S. Before they could hit, the government panicked and retaliated, launching a fusillade towards the enemy. A select few survived. Me and a group of people with us found a settlement that was only barely afflicted by the explosions. We fixed up the houses and some survivors gathered. We named it TriOpolis, and it became a haven for all. Metal and wood became important in our society. People would trade it for food and water. People would strip the steel from cars and give it to the traveling nomads, and those wanderers would take it to a blacksmith named Calvin Wilmot, who would melt that metal into weapons. We faced a problem, though. A gang of marauders who called themselves the Scavengers would, once a month, take a certain amount of our materials, using weapons that they stole from the nomads. If you refused them, it meant death. The citizens did not want this to happen, but they had seen what would occur if they didn't pay. I was tired of it. And one day, I fought back.

(Norman Price, limping on his cane, and Calvin walk past the camera, into the distance. We cut to Adrian, working underneath a car. Cody Powell is watching him salvage parts. Suddenly, an alarm sounds in the distance. Adrian crawls out from underneath, and gets onto his feet. He grabs a pair of binoculars, resting on a shelf behind him, and walks past the camera, wiping his eyes. He looks through the binoculars, at Norman and Calvin, who are walking into TriOpolis' entrance)

CODY:
How many are there?

ADRIAN:
Only two.

CODY:
Who are they?

ADRIAN:
Looks like...

(We cut to a first-person view of Norman and Calvin, walking into town)

ADRIAN:
Norman and somebody else. I can't make him out from here.

(Cody takes the binoculars from Adrian, who puts a jacket on, and walks out of the building)

CODY:
What are you doing? Just let them collect.

ADRIAN:
Not this time.

CODY:
What, are you going to stop them?

ADRIAN:
Hopefully.

CODY:
What do you want me to tell the others?

ADRIAN:
I'll be back.

(Adrian walks away, towards a bridge in the distance. We cut to Cody, who looks bewildered. He shakes his head slightly, and turns away from the camera. We cut to Norman and Calvin, walking towards Adrian, who is standing, arms crossed, at the beginning of the bridge. Norman and Calvin walk towards him, and stop a few feet away)

NORMAN:
Hello, Adrian. Avoiding me?

ADRIAN:
I was, Norman.

NORMAN:
And why would that be?

ADRIAN:
Because you're a liar and thief. You're scum, who would take all these people's lives without notice.

NORMAN:
Well, only a simpleton would call what these folks have as lives, Adrian. You would've been better off dying in the blast.

(Adrian looks to Norman's left, and we cut to Calvin)

ADRIAN:
Oh, Calvin. You joined up with Norman? That's cold.

CALVIN:
The pay's good.

ADRIAN:
Well, I'll get to work burning your house down right away.

NORMAN:
No problem. He'll stay with the rest of the Scavengers. Stand aside and let us collect.

ADRIAN:
No.

NORMAN:
(Angrily)
What?

ADRIAN:
You've stolen from us far too long. After a while, we're going to run out of materials, so I'm going to stop you before that can happen.

NORMAN:
But you're just going to use it up anyway. You can't prolong the inevitable.

ADRIAN:
True, but we're not going consume all of it in the time that you'll steal the rest. If we're using it, it'll take a few months to be depleted. If you're stealing it... it'll take a few weeks. At the most.

NORMAN:
Move, Reed.

(Adrian pulls a crowbar from his backpack)

ADRIAN:
This is my city. I won't let you destroy it.

(Adrian swings the crowbar at Norman, who deflects it with his cane. Norman hits Adrian in the stomach, causing him to wheeze. He jabs Norman in the knee, and Norman screams in pain. He falls to the ground, clenching his knee in pain)

ADRIAN:
Just turn back and go home.

NORMAN:
(Grunting)
You should mind your surroundings.

(Norman signals Calvin, who runs at Adrian. He dives out of the way of Calvin's barrage. He stands on his feet, and the two face each other. Adrian holds up the crowbar defensively, and Calvin charges. Adrian swings the bar, but Calvin grabs it in mid-air, and pulls it away from his hand. He punches Adrian in the stomach, and Adrian falls to the ground. Then, Calvin hits him on the back of the head, and the shot becomes blurry. We fade to black)
Last edited by Vasticity on Sun May 16, 2010 5:43 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Sun Jan 24, 2010 8:28 pm
ErBear says...



Ooh!! Capturing!!

It really attracts attention because it is an interesting subject. You use the literary tool of suspense very well in this scene. The reader or critiquer is drawn in and stays there, yearning for the next scene to see what happens to these interesting characters.

Possibly make it clearer where they are in the beginning sequence. I knew but some people might not. Where are the women? They seem like all men characters. I'll just tell you now-if it only has one gender, it's less interesting. Perhaps add a female character or make a reference to a female character.

It was awesome!!

*Tay*

P.S.- PM me when you post anything new, I'll read and review it!
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Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:34 am
Tenyo says...



In the opening, the last two lines start with the word 'but.'

I really like the scene, it's got me quite intrigued. As an opening before the titles I'm not so sure though. Maybe you could have the titles during the voiceover?

The characters could do with a few more quirks, too. They don't really say much that sets them apart.

I really like the way you've set the whole thing up, it gives a good feeling of the atmosphere and relationship between the people of Triopolis and the Scavangers. I can't wait to read more.
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Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:00 am
skutter11 says...



Need more! :thud:
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Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:14 am
thehobbitgangster says...



This is a very interesting opening. I agree that perhaps it shouldn't be before the opening titles. I have just one suggestion, which is to maybe add how old the people are. It's nice that you leave quite a bit to the imagination, but I'd really like to know how old the characters would be around. I can't wait to read the next bit!
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Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:00 am
Octave says...



Vasticity wrote:Due to a sudden drop in actors, I had to rewrite. 3 characters have been taken from the film.

SCAVENGERS (SCENE ONE)

(We open to an empty field, wind rushing through the tall grass. The sky is dark and cloudy, as though it is about to rain)

ADRIAN REED, voice-over:
In 2015, opposing countries launched multiple atomic bombs at the U.S. Before they could hit, the government panicked and retaliated, launching a fusillade towards the enemy. A select few survived. Me and a group of people with us found a settlement that was only barely afflicted by the explosions. We fixed up the houses and some survivors gathered. We named it TriOpolis, and it became a haven for all. Metal and wood became important in our society. People would trade it for food and water. People would strip the steel from cars and give it to the traveling nomads, and those wanderers would take it to a blacksmith named Calvin Wilmot, who would melt that metal into weapons. We faced a problem, though. A gang of marauders who called themselves the Scavengers would, once a month, take a certain amount of our materials, using weapons that they stole from the nomads. If you refused them, it meant death. The citizens did not want this to happen, but they had seen what would occur if they didn't pay. I was tired of it. And one day, I fought back. Honestly it's an infodump and I'm not sure about how forgiving scripts are with it, but I'm pretty sure you can show us some of those things and have a voiceover while showing us.

(Norman Price, limping on his cane, and Calvin walk past the camera, into the distance. We cut to Adrian, working underneath a car. Cody Powell is watching him salvage parts. Suddenly, an alarm sounds in the distance. Adrian crawls out from underneath, and gets onto his feet. He grabs a pair of binoculars, resting on a shelf behind him, and walks past the camera, wiping his eyes. He looks through the binoculars, at Norman and Calvin, who are walking into TriOpolis' entrance)

CODY:
How many are there?

ADRIAN:
Only two.

CODY:
Who are they?

ADRIAN:
Looks like...

(We cut to a first-person view of Norman and Calvin, walking into town)

ADRIAN:
Norman and somebody else. I can't make him out from here.

(Cody takes the binoculars from Adrian, who puts a jacket on, and walks out of the building)

CODY:
What are you doing? Just let them collect.

ADRIAN:
(Sighing) This part plays a little awkward to me. Sighing makes me think a person is resigned so *shrug*.
Not this time.

CODY:
What, are you going to stop them?

ADRIAN:
Maybe. It's unpredictable at this point. Last sentence is a bit stilted. Fix. Maybe, "I can't tell at this point."

CODY:
What do you want me to tell the others?

ADRIAN:
I'll be back.

(Adrian walks away, towards a bridge in the distance. We cut to Cody, who looks bewildered. He shakes his head slightly, and turns away from the camera. We cut to Norman and Calvin, walking towards Adrian, who is standing, arms crossed, at the beginning of the bridge. Norman and Calvin walk towards him, and stop a few feet away)

NORMAN:
Why, Adrian! All this time without a chat, I thought you were trying to avoid me. Definitely stilted. Revise.

ADRIAN:
I was, Norman.

NORMAN:
And why would that be?

ADRIAN:
Because you're scum who has nothing better to do with his time then take someone's life just for a few pieces of scrap metal and a jug of water. Incredibly out of the blue. Or maybe he should say this in a more light-hearted tone. 0o Idk.

NORMAN:
Well, only a simpleton would call what these folks have as lives, Adrian. You would've been better off dying in the blast.

(Adrian looks to Norman's left, and we cut to Calvin)

ADRIAN:
Calvin. You joined up with Norman? That's cold. I'm not sure about the last sentence.

CALVIN:
The pay's good.

ADRIAN:
Well, I'll get to work burning your house down right away. Like this line. :D

NORMAN:
No problem. He'll seek I'm not sure about "seek" being the right word here. I mean, he's already welcome right? So he doesn't need to look for it there. Maybe he'll stay with the rest of the Scavengers? refuge with the rest of the Scavengers. Now move so that we can collect.

ADRIAN:
No, I don't think so.

NORMAN:
(Angrily)
What?

ADRIAN:
You've stolen from us far too long. After a while, we're going to run out of materials. I'm going to stop you before that can happen.

NORMAN:
But you're just going to use it up anyway. You can't prolong the inevitable.

ADRIAN:
True, but we're not going consume all of it in the time that you'll steal the rest. If we're using it, it'll take a few months to be all gone. If you're stealing it... it'll take a few weeks. At the most.

NORMAN:
Move, Reed.

(Adrian pulls a crowbar from his backpack)

ADRIAN:
Monthly pay is getting a little tiring for us, Norman.

(Adrian swings the crowbar at Norman, who deflects it with his cane. Norman hits Adrian in the stomach, causing him to wheeze. He jabs Norman in the knee, and Norman screams in pain. He falls to the ground, clenching his knee in pain)

ADRIAN:
You trying to fight me?

NORMAN:
(Grunting)
You'll forget, I still have my ace in the hole Not so sure about "ace in the hole". Sounds forced. :\.

(Norman signals Calvin, who runs at Adrian. He dives out of the way of Calvin's barrage. He stands on his feet, and the two face each other. Adrian holds up the crowbar defensively, and Calvin charges. Adrian swings the bar, but Calvin grabs it in mid-air, and pulls it away from his hand. He punches Adrian in the stomach, and Adrian falls to the ground. Then, Calvin hits him on the back of the head, and the shot becomes blurry. We fade to black)


Hm. All of my comments are up there. About character development: Adrian's pretty well-developed but I feel like Norman and Cody could use a little more. Calvin's pretty good too. But then this is just the first part so who am I to talk?

I don't read many scripts so my opinion here ought to hold little weight. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara
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Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:08 am
ScarlettFire says...



Vasticity wrote:
ADRIAN:
Oh, Calvin. You joined up with Adrian? That's cold.



Just pointing out here that you might want to change "Adrian" to "Norman"? It's been bugging me for a while.

Anyhow. This is a really good. I've read the whole thing, as you know and I love it. I'm definitely clicking 'like' if I haven't already. :wink:
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