Young Writers Society

Rose Ann Morrison
Her parents, Bethany and Daniel Morrison
A little girl

A teenage girl sits in the backseat of a blue Mercedes. She is listening to music through her headphones and stares out of the window. She looks kind of sad. Her hair is dark brown, almost black. It goes down to her shoulders. Her face is pretty and she wears make-up. Natural make-up. It’s written ‘Don’t blame me before you know me’ on her yellow t-shirt, but you can’t see it all, because her black leather jacket covers half of it. She’s also wearing worn jeans. The man in the driver’s seat is her father and is in his early forties. He has brown short hair, a little lighter than the girl’s, and is wearing a striped shirt and a pair of black jeans. The woman in the passenger’s seat is the teenage girl’s mother. She is in her late thirties. She has blonde hair and a pretty face which is covered with make-up. Her dress is navy blue with some white laces at the edges and it’s strapless. She wears a short white jacket too.


Bethany; Rosie, we have something to tell you.. (Soft)


She doesn’t look at Rose who sits in the backseat, but at her husband who drives the car. Rose takes off her headset and let it rest around her neck. You can clearly hear what she’s listening to.


Rose; I’m listening. (Irritated)

Bethany; I don’t know if you have heard yet, but I’ve got a new job. (Soft)

Rose; Oh, I’ve heard. What about it?

Bethany; Maybe you’ve heard this too, but I don’t care. My new job is in London..


There’s a little pause in silence.


Rose; that sounds great. (Sarcastic)

Bethany; Rose, sweetheart. We’re not moving far. London’s only three hours away. You can still visit your friends?


Bethany turns around and looks at Rose who sits in the backseat. Rose stars at her mother, angrily.


Rose; I’m not moving, mum. End of discussion. (Angry)

Daniel; we all have to, Rosie. (Calm)

Rose; I said I’m not moving, dad. Now, stop the car.


Daniel doesn’t stop the car, because there’s no place to stop. They're driving on a highway.


Rose; dad. (Louder)

Daniel; sweetheart, we can’t stop here. (Calm)

Rose; Why not? I don’t care about the other cars. They can go to hell! (Almost screaming)

Bethany; Rose! (Angry)

Rose; That’s true. And if you don’t stop this car immediately, dad, you can go to hell too!


Daniel doesn’t answer and a couple of minutes later a blue Mercedes drives into a mall’s parking lot and stops by an empty spot. Not a second later Rose is out of the car. She slams the door as hard as she can and then walks with heavy steps toward the entrance doors. The girl is mad at her parents. A window rolls down and Bethany’s head appears.



Bethany; Rose, get back here! (Yells angrily)


Rose doesn’t turn her head; just keep walking through the entrance doors. Her mother pulls up her window and turns to her husband, Daniel.



Daniel; don’t be so rough with her, Bethany. (Calm/soft)


Bethany sighs and turns her head towards the entrance doors, where Rose had been only seconds ago. Rose walks between the shops and towards the ladies room. She enters and shuts the door behind her. Then she settles down on the toilet lid and puts her head in her hands while she rests her elbows on her knees. She sits there for a while without doing anything. When she’s opening the door, she hits someone with it. A little girl starts crying. She has long brown hair and is wearing a pink hello kitty dress.


Rose; hey you.


She bends down and smiles to the little girl. The little girl stops crying.


Rose; did the door hit you? (Concerned)


The little girl nods.


Rose; where? Are you hurt?


The little girl shakes her head slowly. Rose frowns, then smiles.


Rose; Okay, you know what? (Happy)


The little girl keeps staring while Rose goes through here pockets. She takes a coin out of her left jacket pocket and puts it in the girl’s hand.


Rose; take this. Tell your mum that you got it from a rose, okey?


The little girl smiles happily and nods before she looks at the silver coin that is in her hand.Rose leaves the ladies room and leave the little girl behind. She walks another way back to the car. She opens the door and jumps into the backseat. She takes on her seat belt and stares out of the window.


Rose; drive.

OK I think you should show more detail instead of telling us. like instead of saying " She has brown hair" you could say " Brown hair frames her pretty face like a curtain at a stage production." OK? I think you've got a really great topic though!

Well, thanks. : )
I'm still learning. Haha. But now I'm stuck.

I disagree with Ktg17, I think you have way too much description.

If you're writing this scene to be performed, you have got WAY too many stage directions. Nothing annoys a director more than a script where every little thing is dictated.

You should never, EVER have a stage direction like "yells angrily". In rare cases, such as when a line is meant to be sarcastic and the reader might not otherwise pick up on it, it is alright to include an interpretive stage direction like that. Otherwise, you should leave the interpretation of the lines to the actor and director.

What I think is the main problem here is that you're writing the script like it's a short story. If you're going to be so specific in terms of what the characters are wearing and exactly how they say the lines, why would you write it as a script?

In terms of plot, I'm not really sure why Rose gives the little girl money. I'm also not sure why this makes the fact that she's moving okay. Maybe it becomes clearer in the rest of the script, but since I only have this part to work from I find it extremely confusing.

Overall, I don't think your choice to write a script was the best one for this story. I think that you have an interesting writing style, but it's not well suited to writing scripts. Try writing a short story instead.

Thanks for the review, Nephthys. Well, maybe I could make this into a story instead?
That might be a better idea. I think I'll do that. Maybe I'll write another script later..
Thanks for the help : )

I think what you need to think about more is the why? factor:
Why do her parents tell her in the car where perhaps a home setting is more appropriate?
Why has she already heard about this when her parents haven't told her yet?

Also, the dialogue seems very formulaic, it reads kind of like: she was told, she got angry..etc. So I do agree that perhaps it would work better as a short story, but if you come back to writing a script perhaps you need to think about how your characters interact. Rose's response seems to be a very generalised 'teenager gets angry really quickly', so perhaps think a little more about naturalistic reactions?

hope that makes sense - I really do think you have the basis for a good story here though!

Love, Cat. xxx

Well, thanks. I didn't plan this script, though. I just wrote it down when I was bored..
But I'll write a story and make it longer, I think : )

Hi!

So first and foremost, I liked this plot idea.

I don't understand why she would give a random little girl money, then just abandon her in the bathroom without trying to find the little girl's parents or anything.

I agree with Nephyths, you have way to much description. I think the complete first paragraph should be gone other than the very first sentence. If I wrote it I would have put,

Rose Ann Morrison- Her hair is dark brown, almost black. It goes down to her shoulders. Her face is pretty and she wears make-up. Natural make-up. It’s written ‘Don’t blame me before you know me’ on her yellow t-shirt, but you can’t see it all, because her black leather jacket covers half of it. She’s also wearing worn jeans.

Her parents,

Bethany Morrison- The woman in the passenger’s seat is the teenage girl’s mother. She is in her late thirties. She has blond hair and a pretty face which is covered with make-up. Her dress is navy blue with some white laces at the edges and it’s strapless. She wears a short white jacket too

Daniel Morrison- The man in the driver’s seat is her father and is in his early forties. He has brown short hair, a little lighter than the girl’s, and is wearing a striped shirt and a pair of black jeans

A little girl- She has long brown hair and is wearing a pink Hello Kitty dress.




A teenage girl sits in the backseat of a blue Mercedes. She is listening to music through her headphones and stares out of the window. She looks sad.

I would veto the mass of description. I see this is your first time writing a script and that you write fiction most of the times, so that explains why this reads like a short story. I suggest writing a short story instead or work on this one. Maybe read some other scripts and see how the narration and stage directions are. Nice job for your first time

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

Hey there, here as requested!

On first thoughts, I'm afraid I have to agree with the reviewers above. The driving point of a script should really be the dialogue, whereas here the main part is your description and stage directions. I won't go into much detail, but I would actually recommend that you develop this into a short story. By doing so, you'll probably want to explore some more emotion, because the words can go a lot deeper in stories which is interesting.

The story, for me, doesn't really hold much meaning. I feel like you could go a lot deeper here, but you're sticking to the basics which doesn't help. That isn't to say that you should develop your description (you have rather too much) but that maybe you should focus on the story and characters instead.

One thing I will say is the way you've set it out is a little odd. I'm not really down with scripts, but I'm sure that you don't need to bold every line of dialogue, it's kind of off-putting. Perhaps you could just capitalise the names instead so that they stand out? Also, you want to catch your capitalisation at the start of lines.

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Thanks for your reviews : )
This is really helpful.

I love your script! I cant wait for you to write more! please do! It is very good! You have alot of talent! Keep on writing! And Privite Message me when you write more!!

And please reveiw my Romantic Fiction story, A new home, A new love!

This is very good for an early attempt. Screenwriting is tough and in many ways very different from normal novel writing. You definitely have talent and I'd like to see more before commenting on the story itself, however the biggest piece of advice I can give at this point (which happens to be valid for just about any type of creative writing) is this: show, don't tell. If you've ever read any "how to" things on writing than you've probably heard this already, but it's a tricky thing to put into action. Especially in something like a screenplay, it's always better when your dialogue conveys a sense of emotion simply by the words themselves. Don't just tell us a character is happy or mad, instead let the audience realize it for themselves just by how the character is speaking. That's not to say you can't have SOME showing, it's pretty much impossible not to and I doubt it would be good without it, but striking the right balance between showing and telling is what makes great writing.

Keep up the good work, you've definitely got talent. I always enjoy reading people's screenplays, so PM me with more of it when you're done!