Young Writers Society

I'm accepting all criticisms and approvals. Please note that I do not write books, I'm more into movie scripts. Since there isn't really a section for that, I've decided to post it here.

(We open to a Jeff Harris, lying in his bed. His eyes are closed. We zoom into a close-up of his face. His eyes open suddenly. He lies there for a moment, then he rubs his eyes, and sits up. He gets out of bed, and he walks out of the room. The door slams, and we cut to him sitting at a table, eating cereal out of a bowl. He looks behind him, and sees an envelope on the floor. He gets up, and retrieves the envelope. He opens the envelope while walking back to the table. He sits down, and pulls a note out. We cut to an over-the-shoulder shot of the letter)

Jeff (Reading Along)-Mr. Jeff Harris, congratulations on your safe return from Military Business. Now that you have returned from your offshore leave, you will be receiving a monthly check from the government. (Puts letter down) Hmm.

(He folds the letter up, and puts it back into the envelope. We cut to him dumping the milk of the cereal into the sink. Then we cut to him coming down from a staircase, now fully dressed. The camera following him, he walks out the door. We cut to a view of a street)

SUBTITLE-5 Hours Later

(There is a sound of a car door shutting, and the camera turns around. We see Jeff, getting out of a car. He walks up the driveway. We cut to Jeff entering the house. We cut to an Italian shot (For those of you who don't know, an Italian shot is a shot of the character's eyes) of Jeff. There are now big dark bags under his eyes. We cut to him, sitting in his bed. There is a distant sound of a clock ticking. It gradually grows louder and louder. Jeff's eyes are widening)

Jeff-Shut up!!

(Jeff picks a shoe up from the ground, and throws it at the clock. It misses. Jeff gets up from bed, takes the clock, and takes the battery out of the back. He lies back in his bed. His eyes remain wide open. We cut to a shot of his bed)

SUBTITLE-The next morning

(Jeff is still wide awake)

Jeff-Stupid (inaudible) clock.

The end
I know it's pretty short, but it is only one scene. I will upload more. Now give me reviews. And note, it is from a short film that i'm actually planning to film, and put on Youtube.

*Moved to Scripts*

[quote="Vasticity"]I'm accepting all criticisms and approvals. Please note that I do not write books, I'm more into movie scripts. Since there isn't really a section for that, I've decided to post it here.

(We open to a Jeff Harris, lying in his bed. His eyes are closed. We zoom into a close-up of his face. His eyes open suddenly. He lies there for a moment, then he rubs his eyes, and sits up. He gets out of bed, and he walks out of the room. The door slams, and we cut to him sitting at a table, eating cereal out of a bowl. He looks behind him, and sees an envelope on the floor. He gets up, and retrieves the envelope. He opens the envelope while walking back to the table. He sits down, and pulls a note out. We cut to an over-the-shoulder shot of the letter)
I would be interested to hear what kind of music would be playing while this happened.

Jeff (Reading Along)-Mr. Jeff Harris, congratulations on your safe return from Military Business. Now that you have returned from your offshore leave, you will be receiving a monthly check from the government. (Puts letter down) Hmm.
I don't believe that any letter from the government would be so short and to the point, this letter seems comical to me. Maybe you could make it more realistic and zoom in or focus key words to quickly get the point across


(He folds the letter up, and puts it back into the envelope. We cut to him dumping the milk of the cereal into the sink. Then we cut to him coming down from a staircase, now fully dressed. The camera following him, he walks out the door. We cut to a view of a street)

SUBTITLE-5 Hours Later

(There is a sound of a car door shutting, and the camera turns around. We see Jeff, getting out of a car. He walks up the driveway. We cut to Jeff entering the house. We cut to an Italian shot (For those of you who don't know, an Italian shot is a shot of the character's eyes) of Jeff. There are now big dark bags under his eyes. We cut to him, sitting in his bed. There is a distant sound of a clock ticking. It gradually grows louder and louder. Jeff's eyes are widening)I think you should have the ticking in previous scenes, but what do I know?

Jeff-Shut up!!

(Jeff picks a shoe up from the ground, and throws it at the clock. It misses. Jeff gets up from bed, takes the clock, and takes the battery out of the back. He lies back in his bed. His eyes remain wide open. We cut to a shot of his bed)

SUBTITLE-The next morning

I see this working better if you replace the subtitles with a fast forwarded clip of Jeff in bed as the lighting changes in is room from night to day

(Jeff is still wide awake)

Jeff-Stupid (inaudible) clock.

The end
/quote]



Scripts are not my thing, but I gave this review my all! I like the scene, but I have an immense imagination and it came to life in my head, PM when it shows up on utube! I'd love to watch it come to life!

Thank you!!! I wasn't really expecting any approvals...

I would be interested to hear what kind of music would be playing while this happened.

um... orchestral music. I'm a composer, so i'm going to write it, after the scene.

I don't believe that any letter from the government would be so short and to the point, this letter seems comical to me. Maybe you could make it more realistic and zoom in or focus key words to quickly get the point across

Thank you! Good idea, and i'll use it.

I think you should have the ticking in previous scenes, but what do I know?

well, see, since I have not uploaded the whole movie, the plot is that this guy just got back from the army, obviously, and he begins to develop signs of schizophrenia, which what happens commonly if you see something horrible in the military. So the clock is driving him insane. At the start, Jeff hasn't really started his schizophrenic features yet. Sooo....

I see this working better if you replace the subtitles with a fast forwarded clip of Jeff in bed as the lighting changes in is room from night to day

I was thinking about that, but we're young, and... we don't have so much... money? It's hard to do, in other words. Thank you for the good review, though, and I will use your advice when I can.

Your welcome Please send me a pm when you get it on utube! I'd love to see it come alive. I see you haven't received many reviews, I haven't either. It seems like only poetry gets reviewd anymore.

I have a short section to anovel I'm writing in the 'Other Fiction' forum, it's titled "Daakota's Diary". I'd really love to get your opinion on it!

Hey, I'm Light_Devil, you reviewed one of my stories, so I'll pay back the favour. I apologise if I sound harsh beforehand.

If you are serious about writing movie scripts, then perhaps you should use more technical terms? There are several different shots and different filming techniques in this one part alone. (For reference this is an easy and very useful site: http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html )

(We open to a Jeff Harris, lying in his bed. His eyes are closed.

How does this open? Above, from the left, the right or from the door? What kind of shot would be used? Would there be any technique?

We zoom into a close-up of his face. His eyes open suddenly.

I like the red part. You actually have the right things there.

He lies there for a moment, then he rubs his eyes, and sits up. He gets out of bed, and he walks out of the room. The door slams, and we cut to him sitting at a table, eating cereal out of a bowl.

There are many things of which you would have to add here. You never said the zoom went out again, you never mentioned where the camera would be positioned. What shot to use. Also, does the camera track him out of the room? I like the cut part.

He looks behind him, and sees an envelope on the floor.

Right now, you're just showing us what we're meant to see in the movie. Movie scripts are not like that. There would be hidden shots in this everywhere!

He gets up, and retrieves the envelope. He opens the envelope while walking back to the table. He sits down, and pulls a note out. We cut to an over-the-shoulder shot of the letter)

Wonderful, I love what's in the green. You're getting it right! (But not in the corrert format. )

Anyway, I would be pretty much repeating myself if I were going to review the rest. However, I like this little scene, it interests me greatly. I'm going to read the others, but I probably won't review them.

I hope the link helps, it should help at least. I liked the plot in your story and it peaks my curiousity. Also, I once again apologise if I was harsh.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.