Young Writers Society

( Michael and Lily have been best friends forever. Yesterday they graduated from high school. It was also Lily's 19th birthday. Today she has come to Michael's house in a bad mood)
(opens the door)
Michael: Hi, Lily
Lily: Let me in
Michael: And a howdy morning to you to
(Both walk into house, lily sits down on the table, she places her school year book on the table.)
Michael: What is this?
Lily: Our year book.
Michael: Is this the reason your so crabby?
Lily: Do you know that 19?
Michael: Yes, I was at your birthday you remember. At your house, your uncle got drunk and passed out and we had to throw him in the pool. It was big fun.
Lily: right, the point is a quarter of my life is over and I have not done anything or been anywhere. I have not lived.
Michael: Well... that's a real upper. Want some pancakes?
Lily: You're not listening.
Michael: Lily, darling. There is no point dwelling on it because there is not much you can do about it.
Lily: I know. But it does mean I need to get started on the living part. So we are going on a road trip. Around Australia.
Michael: In Baby Elly?
Lily: Yes, and it's not going to just be the three of us.
Michael: Who else.
Lily: I don't know yet. We are deciding now.
Michael: What do you mean
(Pulls out a bag filled with scrapes of paper.)
Lily: This is the name of everyone in our year. Close your eyes and pull out a name. That person is coming with us.
Michael: But what if they don't want to come.
Lily: It's not up to them. They don't have a say.
Michael: Now that's the Lily I know and love.
Lily: Thank you. I'll go first
(Pulls a name out of the bag)
Lily: Luke Morrow
(Michael pulls a name out of the bag)
Michael: Rose Jackson.
Lily: Okay. This should be interesting.

First of all, I want to see what happens from here on in. It's a bit short and without resolution as a stand-alone piece, but if it were to be a beginning, it has a great hook.

In terms of nitpicks, I noticed a lot of places where you didn't capitalize the names or the beginnings of sentences and there is a lot of punctuation missing. I'll go through and see what I can find, but you really need to keep an eye on this. It's elementary stuff and detracts from your work as a whole. In a longer piece, reviewers would not be interested in going through and edit all of the instances.

( Michael and Lily have been best friends forever. Yesterday they graduated from high school. It was also Lily's 19th birthday. Today she has come to Michael's house in a bad mood. (need the period here))

(opens the door)

Who opens the door? There are two people who could. I'm assuming it was Michael, but you need to say as much.

Michael: Hi, Lily. (period)

Lily: Let me in. (period)

Michael: And a howdy morning to you too. (period)

(Both walk into house.(period) Lily sits down on the table. (period) she places her school year book I do believe that "yearbook" is one word) on the table.)

Michael: Is this the reason your so crabby?

Your = possesive (ex. This is your book.)
You're = contraction of "you are" (ex. You're leaving already?)

It should be "you're" here.

Lily: Do you know that 19?

What about 19? I think you skipped a word here. Also, you should spell out "nineteen".

Michael: Yes, I was at your birthday, (comma) you remember? (question mark)

Lily: Yes, and it's not going to just be the three of us.

I'm assuming the "three" count is including the car, yes?

Michael: Who else? (question mark)

Michael: What do you mean? (question mark)

(Pulls out a bag filled with scrapes of paper.)

Again, which one does this?

Also, none of your other action directions have had punctuation and capitalization in them up to this one. Pick a style and stick with it.

Michael: But what if they don't want to come? (question mark)

Like I said, this makes an awesome beginning, but as a standalone piece, it feels rather lacking. There's no resolution to the problem, only the start of another possible conflict. The characters were starting to get interesting, the premise is intriguing and then it just... ends. It's a great hook for a bigger adventure story, but otherwise feels rather empty and half-finished.

Think about continuing this. If not, as a standalone piece, it could use some more fleshing out.

PM me if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling