Young Writers Society

ACT 3
INT. KIM’S CAR – DAY

Kim is driving and the cat is sitting on the top of her headrest, bunting his head against hers.

TED:
Seriously, why aren’t you happy? It’s all taken care of and I got to taste vomit! Why are you crying over him? He’s just a dream. I don’t cry over my dreams.

Kim looks over at him in surprise.

KIM:
You dream?

TED:
(talking over her)
Are you going to cry over me? You should, actually.

He looks over at her.

TED:
Do you want me to drive? Are you still feeling sick?

KIM:
No, I don’t want you to drive. Do you dream? I’ve seen you sleep.

Ted ignores her question, though he shifts uncomfortably in a moment of silence.

TED:
I’m really not seeing your attachment to these dreams. I mean, it’s not like you know them. Unlike me…

KIM:
I’m not attached to you.

TED:
Just keep telling yourself that, Kimmy.

Kim’s phone rings then. She reaches for it, but Ted gets to it first. He flips it open and puts it to his ear.

TED:
Hello?

KIM:
Ted, what the hell - ?

TED:
(to Kim)
Watch the road, baby.
(to phone)
Who?

NICK (over the phone):
Uh, Nick Mason. Can I, uh, talk to Kim?

TED:
Kimmy’s a little busy at the moment, Nick, so-

KIM:
Give me the phone!

She snatches it from him, causing the car to veer dangerously into the other lane. The cat sinks its claws into the headrest.

CAT:
Watch the road!

KIM:
Nick?

NICK (over the phone):
Hi. Uh, who was that?


KIM:
My, uh, cousin. Real asshole, but what can you do?


TED:
(loudly)
Cousin? Ha, you’re so funny, Kimmy -

INT. NICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Nick is standing at the stove, stirring something in a pot. He holds the phone away from his ear as Ted’s voice bellows over the line.

TED (over the phone):
-Why don’t you just tell him the truth? Let him down easy.

NICK:
Kim?

KIM:
Sorry:

NICK:
Do you, like, need some help or something?

KIM:
No. It’s fine. He’s just annoying.

INT. KIM’S CAR - DAY

Kim puts the phone against her shoulder to muffle the sound.

KIM:
(to Ted, silently)
Shut. Up. Now.


INT. NICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

NICK:
Okay, uh… I was just wondering if we were still on for tonight.


END OF ACT 3

ACT 4

INT. KIM’S CAR - DAY

KIM:
Tonight? It’s Friday already?


Kim silently pantomimes beating her head against the steering wheel. She begins to veer again.

CAT:
Watch the road, Kim!

NICK (over the phone):
Are you all right?

KIM:
Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry, Nick, but can I take a rain check? What with my cousin and everything -

TED:
(loudly)
Why do you keep calling me that, Kim-kim? Who is that? Your husband?

KIM:
Ugh. I gotta go.

She closes the phone and gives Ted a death glare.

CAT:
Watch the road!

INT. NICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Nick looks at his phone, a bit perplexed and turns it off. Then he looks over at his table, set romantically for two, and sighs. He takes the pot he was stirring and pours it down the sink.

INT. KIM’S CAR - DAY

KIM:
(furious)
What the hell is your problem? Thanks to you, I just had to cancel a date with a guy I have been waiting for months to ask me out.

TED:
Aww, poor baby. Like you’ll never be asked out again. And if he can’t handle one little cancellation, he’s definitely not worth it.

INT. NICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Nick slams a pot, setting off a chain reaction of clattering and banging as things fall over and crash into each other.

INT. KIM’S CAR - DAY

TED:
See, me personally, I’m very patient. One little cancellation wouldn’t put me off, Kim. You’d have to do a lot more to get rid of me.

He grins at her.

KIM:
Shut up. I’m not talking to you.

Ted turns back to the cat, leaning back so that Kim can’t see him. He points to Kim, then claws the air in a mocking monster impression. The cat just stares at him. Ted sighs and sits back in his seat.

TED:
You guys are seriously no fun. Don’t worry about it, Kim. It’s probably for the best. After all…

He settles an arm around Kim’s shoulders.

TED:
…I’m not ready to give you up just yet.

She throws off his arm.

KIM:
Don’t make me call the police again.

Ted doesn’t say anything more, but he stares at her with a serious, possessive gaze.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT 4

---

This is actually my least favorite bit that I have written. I understand it is tedious and whatnot. Don't tear it apart too cruelly.

Yo Fledge

I actually don't think this was your worst bit at all. I think this is what I'd been waiting to see. Ted starting to really mess with her personal life.

Now, you're right about it being slightly tedious, but I think that's mostly due to the consistency in Ted's character that I think I mentioned in an above review.

The thing about Ted is that to start off he was an anomaly, something that we really wanted to see more of as an audience. He was a character of intrigue and was rather unique. The problem is that he seems to be completely static throughout your story, meaning that we get used to his character. The inevitable result of this is a monotonous tone that starts to develop.

See, when there's mystery there's always a reason to read forward. Ted's character is missing a lot of the mystery that it formerly held, and I really would like to see it return. I suggest letting Ted rest for a while, or perhaps even letting Kim ignore him, and develop the cat far more.

I also think it's important to stress that your story is quite lacking in characters. Two characters can only hold a story together for a short time, and I'm finding that to make it succeed you need to introduce a few external forces into the story. Perhaps into one of the earlier scenes even.

At this point I'm also wondering what became of Mary. She's one character you'd expect to worry. Perhaps cutting to her and to Nick more frequently would relieve some of the monotony of your two main characters...

Your story's developing nicely now. Layers are being compounded and I'm starting to see a little progression. Your main issue at this stage is clearly your focus on the two characters who have been overexposed to some degree.

Please PM me when you get the next bit up as I'm really enjoying the way the story's progressing.

Have a great one!

Hiya! Sorry it took me so long to post, couldn't find this

All I want to say is POOR NICK! I liked him!

And oh Ted, hes such a lovable, horrible person