Young Writers Society

Hi. I began work on this script at a scriptwriting workshop I attended during spring break. I'm only 13 so bear in mind that there will be LOTS wrong with it, but feel free to correct my work in any way you find necessary. This is only scene one and I am hoping to adapt it further. As I said it is very short at the moment. Thank you for taking time to read it.

Synopsis: Write a short play that covers an issue experienced by teenagers today.

Chosen issue: Anorexia

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INT. Kitchen - Late Afternoon

CARLYN, a 14 year old, slightly anorexic girl from Connecticut, America, comes home from the gym through the back door. She is wearing a baggy, pink tracksuit and is sweating. She is greeted by her MUM

MUM: Hi darling, how was the gym?

CARLYN walks across to the fridge and takes out a bottle of water.

CARLYN: It was ok, I burned 1500 calories.

CARLYN takes a swig of water, swirls it around her mouth, then spits it out.

MUM: At your age you shouldn't be worrying about calories, come to think of it, you've gotten
very skinny recently. A good meal will fatten you up.

CARLYN rolls her eyes and clucks her tongue at her mother

CARLYN: Mum, I've just been to the gym. I can't eat anything for at least three hours. (sighs)

MUM looks CARLYN up and down and frowns in disapproval. CARLYN grabs a rice cake and some blueberries from the pantry and runs upstairs.

MUM walks across to the phone, picks it up and dials a number

MUM: Hello, can I speak to the school nurse please.

Hi

This is fairly short so I don't have much to say.

Scripts (at least at this stage when it's a script and not a play/movie/serial ) are all about dialogue which I think you did a good job with. The only thing I have to suggest is to slow it down a little and make it longer - like maybe Carlyn and her mother actually have a yelling screaming fight about it or something. This goes especially for when the mother calls the school nurse; I feel like it happened a bit too fast. After all, if her mum suspects something is wrong with Carlyn wouldn't she try to talk to her a little more about it first?

Otherwise, I think it's a good start. Are you posting the next part soon?
-Mars

Hey

I agree with the last comment, Its a bit short, you should add to it and re-post it. But it looks like a very promising start to a play. I can see where you are going with it, anorexia is a serious issue that affects a lot of young girl as well as young boys today, with the constant pressures of the media to look a certain way its no wonder so many kids end up with illnesses like this!

It's a good start, I'd love to see more of this script though discodiva Keep up the good work! xxx

I was wondering if I could see more of your work. I like how you are taking a realistic spin to something that happens to girls everyday. Here is some advice about your main charater:

1. When saying that she has an eating disorder explain how bad it is and who and how she found out about her problem.

2. Try involve others who know about the problem, but don't do anything about it. It happens everyday.

3. Put a dramatic part to it. Like she passed out and was sent to the ER. Make the reader want to see what happens with her problem and how bad it gets.


I really liked where the story line was going. Hope to see more from you soon!

I liked it, but it was very short and fast. I'd like to see some more dialogue between the characters. You should slow it down, and of course add more.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that her mum called the school nurse. I would think she'd call a doctor, or a help line or something.

As other people have said, his is a good beginning but needs more. If I didn't have an interest in Anorexia, I wouldn't have read past the first line, because it didn't hold my interest that well and I don't feel for any of the characters. I just think she's a bit of a whiny brat.

Let me know if you edit or post more, and I hope this review helps a little bit!

Well, I agree with the others that it moved a bit too fast, but I do think this was a great start. If I were writing this, I would start from an earlier point in the story, or at least explore the beginning of this via a flashback. When did she start starving herself and why? By adding more of the backstory, your reader will get to know and care about the characters more.

Also, one more nitpicky thing...would a teenage girl really "cluck her tongue"? That just sounds like a sound that old people make when they disapprove of something. Perhaps find a more accurate, age-appropriate description of the noise?

Overall, not a bad start and I'd love to see more expansion! (Be sure to PM me if you do post more!)

I'd have to agree with most everyone here. It's a little bit too short to give a good critique, but if you keep working on it, there will be a lot more comments I can give you.

But with the script you provided, I can suggest a few things. In my opinion, the dialogue is a little bit vague. We don't know a lot about Carlyn. How did she get into an eating disorder? How long has her mother known? Right now we only have a slight idea of the character's personalities, and those few things can confuse a viewer.

However, in good news, I think you hit the eating disorder problem in teenagers spot on. Here we're being bombarded by media and being influenced by hormones, and that shows in Carlyn. And I'm glad you spotted the mother's concern and interest in protecting her daughter. It makes me happy you see both perspectives.

Although the script is fairly short as other writers have pointed out, i believe that is this was adapted this could go a long way, especially to spread awareness of anorexia.

Although the script is fairly short as other writers have pointed out, i believe that is this was adapted this could go a long way, especially to spread awareness of anorexia.

You captured this theme very well. For example the excuses that the girl uses to ensure her mother that she cannot eat anything for three hours. Also i like the way you expressed the relationship between the mother and the daughter.

Maybe one idea to include into the script could be that after the girl finishes her dinner she makes an excuse to go to the toilet and vomits instead. This is a common act of anorexia and maybe you could research more into it.

Apart from that i can clearly see that you have a good imagination and capture real life problems very well.

I am quite new to script writing properly so look out for some of my work later on and perhaps you could give me some help or advice.

Scene one goes way too fast for my taste. As other writers have pointed out, you could lengthen it quite a bit. Maybe the mother wants to talk to Carlyn more about it. Maybe C wants to tell her mother more about her workout, or maybe she wants to say something about the obese girl she saw at the gym. There are lots of things you could add into this.
Keep writing, and PM me when you add more. I'm excited to read further.

Hi

Just to let you all know I've been working on this script for a while now and have taken all of your advice into consideration.

I feel a lot happier with it now and I am hoping to post it asap.

I shall pm you all once I have posted it

Katy x