Young Writers Society

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/forum38.html
I hope that link worked(It goes too Meep's contest)... Anyway, here as follows. I'm not very confident that I can come anything better than last but I gave it a shot.

(MATT is in the hover-cab station on earth. He raises his hand and whistles sharply. A hover-cab; large, bright yellow and pasted with advertisements whizzes towards him and stops sharply. The windows on the drivers’ side opens to reveal a Martian.)
CABBY: Great evening, Mr. man.
MATT: It is, isn’t it? You can almost see the sun through the fog…
CABBY: (Shouting and beaming) yes, yes, well hop inside, where you going my friend?
MATT: Just take me to the Mercury hovercab station north.
CABBY: Ah, yes, very cold, eh? You bring your coat, yes?
MATT: (Climbing in and laughing) Yes, did you?
CABBY: No, no, I’ve only ever been to Mars and Earth.
MATT: Big occasion for you then?
CABBY: Oh yes, I remember when I first went to this strange new planet. I nearly flew into a black hole! (Laughs and starts to take off)
MATT: Erm…
CABBY: Yes, sir? You want a light? (Passes a lighter back)
MATT: (Passing it back and speaking nervously) well, erm, maybe I should go in a different cab, yellow’s not my colour…
CABBY: Nonsense! They are all in yellow of colour!
(They drive in silence for a few minutes, towards the outer hemisphere. MATT notices a warning signal for a satellite graveyard ahead. A furious beeping sound drowns out his voice.)
MATT: (Shouting) Careful of that one!
CABBY: Who?
MATT: (Shouting louder) There’s a graveyard ahead!
CABBY: Graveyard? Who dies in space?
MATT: (Yelling desperately) No, it’s a--
(The cab hits a satellite with a sickening crunch and spirals out of control, but away from the graveyard.)
CABBY: Oooh dear! Silly me!
MATT: Are you mad? We’re lucky we didn’t die!
CABBY: (Gravely) Yes… I suggest you sue those maniacs, who are they, putting those things there with no warning!
MATT: I’ll sue you!
CABBY: Ah, ah, ah. Temper, temper Mr. Man.
MATT: It’s Matt, and I mean it when I say-
CABBY: And I am Mmmdoop. Nice to meet you, Mr. Man Matt. Oooh, look! You have some inter-phone ring!
MATT: What? Oh, right my phone… Hello? Mother! I was just coming, and you won’t believe this taxi driver, nearly killed me with a satellite!
CABBY: A satellite? Where would I get one of those?
MATT: No, mother, I’m not being ridiculous, there really was--
CABBY: Hello? I’m not being your mother, and Mr. Man Matt, I would never call a customer ridiculous, that would be as stupid as going to the wrong planet!
MATT: (Snaps) Not you! No, mother, it was the taxi driver. No, no I wouldn’t dare interrupt you! No! Wait, cabby, left!
CABBY: (Turning right) no that would go to Mercury, not Mars.
MATT: I’m not going to Mars! I’m going to Mercury! Turn around! No, mother, I’m not playing a prank, I was talking to the, oh god… No, I’m not blaspheming! You know that I’m an atheist, mother. Look, can I call you back? I’m seeing you in a minute anyway. Why not? But, just hold on.
CABBY: The wife giving you the troubles?
MATT: Wife? No, not my wife! No, mother, I don’t have a wife! I didn’t mean that! Of course I’d tell you if I was getting married! Why wouldn’t I? Of course you’d be invited- hang on, will you? (Shouting) Cabby! Turn around!
CABBY: I told you, this is the way to Mars, and my name is Mmmdoop Mr. Man Matt!
MATT: It’s just Matt and I’m not going to Mars!
CABBY: Ooooooh, ok. I got mixed up. So next right for Mars, yes?
MATT: No, Mercury, turn around!
CABBY: But I’ve never been to Mercury!
Matt: You said that already, now turn around! No, mother, I can’t talk yet! TURN AROUND!!!!
CABBY: Okay dokey, don’t wet yourself Mr. Man Matt! So next right?
MATT: NO!!! GIVE ME THE WHEEL!
(MATT grabs the wheel from CABBY and tries to turn around, but CABBY resists. Both are screaming left/turn around, when another taxi looms into view. The driver is asleep, and both are frantically pulling on it. CABBY stamps on the brakes, but they are suddenly hit from behind and lurch forwards. MATT bites CABBY’S fingers until he lets go and they spin around and zoom away. Then they are hit by a meteorite and are pulverised.)

Hey 100 x Stupid! June here!

I don't remember if I've ever reviewed you before! It seems like I have, but I'm not sure. Anyway, let's start!

So, this is a script, dear, so there's formats you're going to need to follow.

Formatting is a pain, especially when you need to use BBC code to do it-- so, in play/script writing, you will often see the character's names in all capital letters like: MATT, CABBY-- this way, we can easily distinguish between the speakers and what is being spoken.

And, also! Line breaks! It's better to double space your lines, so that they don't get all jumbled together and be confusing for us, dear.

Now for nitpicks:

Matt: (Shouting) Careful of that one1

• Ouch! That 1 should be an exclamation point, dear.

Matt: (Yelling desperately) No, it’s a-!

•A dash is either ▬ or two hyphens put next to each other --. They are not to be confused with hyphens.

• Also! When someone is cut off, the dash is the only punctuation mark you need to use. Ditch that exclamation mark!

Cabby: And I am Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmdoop. Nice to meet you, Mr Man Matt. Oooh, look! You have some interphone ring!

• In writing, it's better not to overuse letters. If you're doing it to show emphasis or elongation, try not to use more than three letters, dear. (and Mmdoop is such a crazy name, haha)

• The proper abbreviation for Mister is Mr. The period after it is Always necessary. Mr. Man Matt

• Because interphone isn't actually a word, you should hyphenate those terms; inter-phone.

*

Overall, this was hilarious. It didn't make much sense, and it was hard to tell what was going on at some points, but it was a good laugh, dear.

Keep it up! And good luck in that contest! Well done!

June

I couldn't find anything wrong with it! Good work!

It was funny
tho the way it was formatted made it quite confusing.
and overwhelming.
but very funny tho.
especially as the cabbie was ignorant of matt's insults.
his simplicity is a joke! =)

cabbie and matt's interaction funny.
and the script was refreshing!

i enjoyed the play.
keep writing!
coz your writing's good!

hope to enjoy another story lyk that!

Sharlene

I liked this! A lot... sorry for the amazingly short review, but it seems June covered it all... and I completely agree with her! I would mostly worry about the overused letters, as June so faithfully pointed out . She's right, only use three, or just italicize it.
Great job!

I enjoyed this. However, I sincerely hope that there is more, and it has some sort of plot/storyline because this has potential to be an extremely good 'comical sci-fi'.

I liked both the two characters, but occasionally I did find the cabby slightly annoying. I also like the character of Matt's mother. However, at the beginning, maybe a short, general description of Cabby and Matt is needed, along with a brief description of the setting, because I had no idea where they were.

Apart from that, it was very well done, and also enjoyable. Be proud, and keep writing!

I think you should space the lines up. It's really hard to read without the spaces. Do it like this:

MATT: (Snaps) Not you! No, mother, it was the taxi driver. No, no I wouldn’t dare interrupt you! No! Wait, cabby, left!

CABBY: (Turning right) no that would go to Mercury, not Mars.

MATT: I’m not going to Mars! I’m going to Mercury! Turn around! No, mother, I’m not playing a prank, I was talking to the, oh god… No, I’m not blaspheming! You know that I’m an atheist, mother. Look, can I call you back? I’m seeing you in a minute anyway. Why not? But, just hold on.
CABBY: The wife giving you the troubles?

MATT: Wife? No, not my wife! No, mother, I don’t have a wife! I didn’t mean that! Of course I’d tell you if I was getting married! Why wouldn’t I? Of course you’d be invited- hang on, will you? (Shouting) Cabby! Turn around!

CABBY: I told you, this is the way to Mars, and my name is Mmmdoop Mr. Man Matt!

I also think that the actions should be below or above the Dialogue. The only thing in parenthesis should be how the character is saying the line.

Umm, and, different ending. I certainly wouldn't have chosen that one, but still. You might consider changing it, but it's totally fine if you do not.

Overall, it needs to improve a little, but I like the idea