Young Writers Society

i appreciated any and all comments on this! i am thinking of making this a "radioplay" over an internet radio program for people to listen to, so i'd love for honest criticisms about it. thanks!

The scene opens with a salesperson and a woman at a kitchen table. The salesperson (either female or male) is young and sharp, around 20-30, well-dressed and charismatic. The salesperson has just sold an insurance for the basement walls to the woman (Mrs. Garcia).

Salesperson: (in a good mood) Just sign here... and here... Here also, but in print. And right here... And you are done with all the paperwork! It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mrs. Garcia.

He/she stands up, scooting the chair back, and gathers his papers. Salesperson and Mrs. Garcia walk towards the front door.

Mrs. Garcia: No, thank you! I had no idea how many dangers could happen upon my basement walls!

The door opens.

Salesperson: (laughs) I must get going now. Call me up and we will talk about that boat outing, all right?

Mrs. Garcia: Oh yes, I look forward to it! I need a little vacation from... everything. (She laughs)

Salesperson: (Also laughing, in good spirits) All right, Sonya, you take care. Have a good evening.

The door closes as the Salesperson walks down the driveway.

Salesperson: (satisfied, grinning, talking to self) Oh yeah, I'm good! Time for one more sale. I'll be up for the Best Sales Record for sure!

Salesperson walks along on a sidewalk, humming to himself/herself.

Salesperson: (humming)

Salesperson turns up to an average looking house, walks up the driveway and to the front porch. He/she rings the doorbell.

Salesperson: Perfectly manicured garden... Garden gnome... Ha! This sale will be a piece of cake.

There are fast, light footsteps heard behind the door. The door creaks open a bit. A young girl, Sharla, about 7 years old, peeks out from behind the door.

Sharla: Yes?

Salesperson: (amused by the little girl's greeting, chuckles a bit, in a condescending voice) Hello there!/Hello there young lady! (depending on whether is female or male, respectively) That's a beautiful shirt you have on! Is pink your favorite color?

Sharla: (all business) What do you want?

Salesperson: (chuckles more) Well, you are quite a little ball of spices, aren't you? May I speak to your mother, little girl?

Sharla: I'm seven and a half-

Sharla is interrupted by her mother, Molly, from inside the house.

Molly: (far away) Sharla, who is it?

Sharla shuts the door halfway.

Sharla: (very muted, from behind a door) There's some weird guy/lady at the door. He/she wants to talk to you.

There is some muffled talking and a faint "Go on!" by Molly. The salesperson begins to hum again.

Molly: (kind of flatly, borderline rude) May I help you?

Salesperson: (cheerfully) Good evening! My name is Alex Williams. And you, Ms...?

There is a bit of a silence.

Salesperson: (awkwardly) Uh.. Ahem. What can I call you?

Molly: Molly. Why did you want to know?

Salesperson: (chuckling slightly, growing more and more awkward) Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were hiding something.

Molly: What? No! (laughs forcedly, loudly, for an extended amount of time)

Salesperson: (laughing, nervously)

Molly: (coughs a bit after the laugh) But what can I do for you?

Salesperson: Well, uh... Molly... Why don't you open the door a bit? Make it a bit comfortable for you?

Molly opens the door.

Salesperson: (warming up a bit, assuming the "salesperson" attitude once again) There we go! May I come in?

Molly: I suppose...

She opens the door all the way.

Salesperson: Now, I just wanted to ask: how is your basement walls in the winter? Flaky, weak, just like a-

Molly: (interrupting, anxious) Wait... Basement? What about my basement?

Salesperson: (slightly taken aback) Er, well, how about you tell me about how it is?

Molly: It's just... normal. You know how... normal basements are... normal.

There is a blood-curdling scream all of a sudden. Sound as if from a man.

Molly: (laughing awkwardly) Heh-heh... Please... excuse me!

Salesperson: (nervous) Well, uh, I see this is not a good time for you right now so I'll just-

Molly: No! No, no! Perfectly all right. Sharla? Come here, honey.

Sharla runs over.

Sharla: What, Mommy? And why is Dad-?

Molly: Sharla, please stay here with this nice lady/man for just a minute while I... take care of Daddy.

Salesperson: I- I really think now is not a good time...

Molly: (serious) No. Stay.

Salesperson: (stuttering) Y-yes, I'll just... stay, yes...

Molly leaves quickly, the screaming still going on through all of that, sometimes words being spoken.

Salesperson: I think it's time for me to... leave... Nice to meet you... Sharla, was it?

Sharla: But Mommy told you to stay.

Salesperson: Tell her I had to-

But before he can finish, there is more yelling. Muffled, due to being far away.

Man: STOP! PLEASE! STOP! HELP ME!

Molly: Shut it! No one can hear you but me anyway.

The Salesperson freezes, unsure of what to do.

Salesperson: Is... uh... everything all right in there?

Man: SHE'S CRAZY!

Molly: (evilly) Muahahaha!

There is a sound of some kind of machine, chain-saw sounding. Then there is a silence.

Sharla: (seemingly mostly unaffected by this all) My mom and dad are weird.

Salesperson: I think I should make a phone call... (muttering) to report this psycho house to the police!

He/she reaches into his/her pockets, looking for the phone. Sharla walks off.

Salesperson: (muttering) Now where is my phone...?

Molly: (appearing out of nowhere, creepily) Why ever would you need your phone?

Salesperson: (frightened, said while Molly says her line) Oh jeez! (after Molly's line) I- I didn't realize you were back...

Molly: (more forced laughter) Why don't you... come inside? To discuss this basement thingamajig you had, of course.

Salesperson: Oh no... I think I have somewhere to go anyway, thanks...

Molly: (somewhat creepy, eerie) Are you sure? My basement my need some fixing up anyway... come take a look.

Salesperson: (nervous, squeaky) N- no! It's fine, we can come back another time. (Backing out, opening the door behind him) I... must get going.

Molly: All right then... but I would not mention this to anyone if I were you... Wouldn't want those other salespeople to thinkg you were crazy, giving up a perfectly good sale! (more forced laughter)

Salesperson: Oh, of course n-

Molly: And I do have my ways. Just remember that when you go back to your tight security house. I have my ways.

Salesperson: (flustered) Right... Right! Well.. uh.. nice meeting you. Good night!

Salesperson flings open the door and runs out of the house.

Molly: Oh, he/she was simply charming!

The man screaming from before, Mitch, walks up the stairs from the basement and comes to

Mitch: Molly, we really must just tell them we aren't interested.

Molly: (laughing) I know, we are setting an example for Sharla... But those salespeople have no dignity! Right before dinner time, bugging us for years now... And our house is perfectly fine, thank you!

Mitch: So he/she bought it?

Molly: (grinning) Worked like a charm.

emotion_less wrote:Salesperson: (in a good mood) Just sign here... and here... Here also, but in print. And right here... And you are done with all the paperwork! It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mrs. Garcia.

Aha, tip number one, in all kinds of writing, do not be too direct and tell us. Show us. Make her sound like she's in a good mood. Maybe you could replace that with: *chirps happily*
Well, that wasn't much of 'showing' either, but it isn't as direct.

He/she stands up, scooting the chair back, and gathers his papers. Salesperson and Mrs. Garcia walk towards the front door.

This applies to the rest of the story: Just pick the gender. Does it matter, that you have to leave the gender as ambiguous?

Mrs. Garcia: No, thank you! I had no idea how many dangers could happen upon my basement walls!

It sounded weird when you said 'upon' her basement walls.
I shall read on, and hope for an explanation

The door opens.

Put brackets or asterisks on both sides. This makes it sound a bit like a narrative, rather than a script.
We put * or () to show actions, in scripts. Similarly for the rest of the cases like this.

Salesperson: (Also laughing, in good spirits) All right, Sonya, you take care. Have a good evening.

Again, don't tell. Show. And instead of using 'laughing' repeatedly, other more descriptive terms could be used. Did she chuckle? Snicker? Chortle? (I know which type of laughter you are trying to convey, but this is just an example)

The door closes as the Salesperson walks down the driveway.

Note what I've said before

Salesperson: (satisfied, grinning, talking to self) Oh yeah, I'm good! Time for one more sale. I'll be up for the Best Sales Record for sure!

Up for? Wouldn't it be more...'conventional' for her to be confident and think that she will actually win?
It's awkwardly phrased.

Salesperson walks along on a sidewalk, humming to himself/herself.

Salesperson: (humming)

Salesperson turns up to an average looking house, walks up the driveway and to the front porch. He/she rings the doorbell.

Decide on the gender. You have already mentioned in the first part, that he/she is humming, so the second part with the brackets, is superfluous. You can get rid of it. The third part can actually be joined into a paragraph with the first part. Italicise it so that it will be more of a 'setting' for the script, rather than a narrative style.

There are fast, light footsteps heard behind the door. The door creaks open a bit. A young girl, Sharla, about 7 years old, peeks out from behind the door.

The name will be mentioned, so this explanation of her name is quite redundant. The age can also be left unspecified. Your descriptions based on their speech and actions should suffice.

Salesperson: (amused by the little girl's greeting, chuckles a bit, in a condescending voice) Hello there!/Hello there young lady! (depending on whether is female or male, respectively) That's a beautiful shirt you have on! Is pink your favorite color?

It's obviously a girl, so the first bit is unecessary. The second half is a bit...weird. Shouldn't she get straight down to business, not strike a friendly conversation about the girl's like for pink?

Salesperson: (chuckles more) Well, you are quite a little ball of spices, aren't you? May I speak to your mother, little girl?

Chuckles louder/Chuckles some more.

Sharla: (very muted, from behind a door) There's some weird guy/lady at the door. He/she wants to talk to you.

Shutting the door halfway and the girl sounding very muted is not very plausible. Furthermore, the girl has to speak louder for her mother to hear her. Halfway open is still fairly wide open.

Salesperson: (cheerfully) Good evening! My name is Alex Williams. And you, Ms...?

Alex? Well, this could mean Alexandra, but from this point, it sounds like a guy.

There is a bit of a silence.

A bit of silence? Do you mean a brief period of silence?

Salesperson: (awkwardly) Uh.. Ahem. What can I call you?

Maybe it would be better like this: *clears throat awkwardly* Umm... what may I call you?

Salesperson: (chuckling slightly, growing more and more awkward) Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were hiding something.

*chuckles nervously*
And what the Salesperson say is beating around the bush. They don't want to bore their customers with pointless chit-chat. He/She should cut to the chase.

Salesperson: (laughing, nervously)

*laughs nervously*

Man: STOP! PLEASE! STOP! HELP ME!

Implement your italics and bold. Minimise CAPS lock, dear.

Molly: All right then... but I would not mention this to anyone if I were you... Wouldn't want those other salespeople to thinkg you were crazy, giving up a perfectly good sale! (more forced laughter)

Thinking.

Molly: And I do have my ways. Just remember that when you go back to your tight security house. I have my ways.

tight-security

Molly: Oh, he/she was simply charming!

I remember that you clarified a few lines back, that the salesperson is a man.

Overall:
Intriguing plot line.
Most people would have flat out just decline, if they were not interested.
One important thing I have to highlight:
From reading this, I believe it would be better as a narrative than a script.
You seem to describe a lot, and actions aren't enough for you to have a complete and proper atmosphere. There are a lot of explanations here and there, which does not suit a script.
However, the storyline was amusing.
Nice job, keep on writing!

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:

hi! thank you so much for reading! i don't have a lot of experience with writing scripts, so thanks for the tips! i'm making it into a play to be performed (not through visual, just through audio but with sound effects) so yeah, i wanted it to be good so i'm glad you liked the storyline. thank you so much for the advice! =D