Young Writers Society

8/10
It made me curious, I must say!

"A small smile spread across my face as I watched a clear, crystal wave bash against the hard rock’s of the shore, like a lion attacking it's helpless pray."

8/10 I did very much like the imagery.

Stacey walked along the dew moistened grass, which hugged the road.

8/10
I really liked the metaphor you've used.

"I was six when I first met my older sister. My deceased older sister that is."

7/10

The additional sentence rather weakened it, as did the "that is". Perhaps just a comma would have done and that extra info could be out, since it adds no real drama to it.

The smashing and scrunching of metal boomed throughout the surrounding houses on the moment of impact.

I think you could use a better word than boomed. Echoed maybe? 5/10

Heres mine:
The small room is filled with many clothes and costumes.

4/10 - just failed to interest me sorry .

"He was so close, all he needed to do now was shoot the inbred mutant to regain his freedom."

8/10: I like the hint of incoming action and how we're smack in the middle of it, but the flow of the sentence isn't quite smooth yet.

Ari has beautiful hair, her mother says, like copper and gold, like a lion’s mane, and sometimes she looks wistful and runs her pale hand over it.

Hm, well nothing that really grabs my attention, but nice details, so 6/10.

I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm.

7/10
Pretty good! You start off hinting that there will be action, but ti's subtle. Well done! It's just not the kind of story I'd be interested in. That's just my personal taste though!

Um...
I've already used this one before, but I can't really think of anything else right now...

I was seven when I first met my older sister, my deceased older sister.

emmylou1995 wrote:I think you could use a better word than boomed. Echoed maybe? 5/10

Heres mine:
The small room is filled with many clothes and costumes.

I already used that word to death in earlier chapters of mile novel. But I see what you mean, boomed is a very dull word.

7/10 Goodness, drinking is horrible.

The bald eagle on my shoulder ruffled its wings.

Interesting. I think a bald eagle would be too big to sit on someones shoulder. But it is a good sentance. 8/10

My First Sentance:
Vibrant colors of orange and red dance in my peripheral vision.

8/10 Hm, I wonder what they could be. I'm guessing either leaves that are blowing as they fall from trees as the October wind blows or fires blazing around your protagonist.

Chloe’s heart rate increased as her mother drove her ever nearer to another day of prison.

*To school*

8/10, it made me smile!

Chaos had managed to leave the evening behind with few new bruises or wounds, and for this, she was thankful.

9/10
It really interests me and makes me wonder what happened and why:)

Outside, the world was sideways.

9/10, only because right after this, I going to read your novel. Get some answers to...that.

"Conscious thoughts swirl into my head as I pull my eyelids open."