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Wed Mar 09, 2016 12:56 am
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Castor says...



The idea behind this is rather easy. You write a short pitch for your novel or short story, preferably no longer than four sentences, and then submit it and wait for a response. The person below you will rate your pitch, comment on it, and then submit their own! Let's get this going.

Here's a pitch to start this off!

-

All Harper wants to do is graduate high school with minimal emotional damage, find her baby sister, and move out of the small town before she suffocates in the never ending familiarity of all the locals and her support group. Unfortunately, her mother is back in Hamelville and will stop at nothing to get control of her two daughters back. Even if that means destroying the community in the process.
Previously Kosmos.
  





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Wed Mar 09, 2016 1:09 am
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Lareine says...



So I think this is interesting, but your first line has a lot of characterization all at once without giving us an idea of what Harper's biggest goal is. What does she want the most, and how far is she willing to go to get it? Does she want to escape high school the most, and closes off completely in order to do so? Regain her little sister, tracking things through adoption or police records? (Why does she have to 'find' her sister in the first place? If she's been kidnapped, then "kidnapped sister" is more informative than "baby sister".) Does she want to move out of town the most? Work a part time or full time job to get the money?

I think you do a good job on introducing the conflict with her mother, but I don't have a good idea of Harper's goal or motivation, really.

Uhm, rating, I'd give it maybe a 7/10. (I'm bad at ratings.)

--

One starry midnight, a young pole-boatman and his pet caiman are caught up in a plot to kill the king. Mirsa doesn't know if he and his Sweetheart can escape unscathed—but after learning more, he's not sure if he wants to. What dark forces muster in the shallow water?
bring me her red,
R E D H E A R T

(previously arkhaion)
  





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Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:52 am
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Rosendorn says...



For me everything here comes down to word choice. The "one starry midnight"/ first sentence feel extremely casual for me, which I'm not sure I'm fond of, and when I read 'Sweetheart' it took me a minute to realize that was the pet's name at which point in time I was already halfway through thinking 'oh joy another fantasy romance'

At the same time, it's interesting. It's just really casual, right now, so there doesn't seem to be any sense of stakes.

7/10

--

Kerani’s sole purpose has always been ensuring the survival of her bloodline, through murder and through marriage, but how far will she go to stop a war that threatens to tear her sister’s empire apart?
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

#TNT
  





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Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:31 am
tgirly says...



7.5/10. It's well written, and I can already see the conflict forming, and am wondering about the relationship between her and her sister, but I think there could be more to explain what makes this decidedly different from all other fantasy novels about kingdoms and such, though I am definitely intrigued by the murder angle, and that's on the right track. I'd particularly like to know what makes her bloodline so special though.

Runs In the Blood
In an age of gene discrimination, Maude's best friend Arthur is the son of a murderer. Is murder in his DNA? Is violence his fate, or does he have a choice?
"Genuine poetry can communicate before its understood."
-T.S. Eliot
  





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Tue Mar 29, 2016 11:30 pm
Rosendorn says...



4/10, and it comes down to two things.

One, gene discrimination is still very much alive and well, with how certain genes (most notably those that cause disability) are still very much discriminated against to some pretty scary degrees. It feels very removed from its preexisting context, when it could be much stronger as part of the broader eugenics movement.

Two, the central conflict is something too general to really get my attention. I've read this exact premise before, only it was in the context of cloning a murderer and putting the clones in a whole bunch of family situations to see if it really was nature vs nurture... and the MC was one of the clones. Almost the exact same conflict, but this one has a lot more meat to it.

--

Magic is against the Church, priests branding everyone Marked as a witch of incomplete faith. Lilian had always followed the doctrine as close as she could. Nobody ever told her what to do if the Mark chose her.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

#TNT
  





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Wed Mar 30, 2016 2:33 am
tgirly says...



9/10 for content, but 7/10 for wording. The phrase "priests branding everyone Marked as a witch of incomplete faith" is a bit confusing and unclear as to what you're trying to say. Is the Mark something they already have, and if they already have it why are the priests branding them? Are the priests branding them as witches because they show signs of incomplete faith, or are they branding witches by saying that they must be of incomplete faith? That second one can be figured out, but the meaning should be clear immediately, especially when you've only got three sentences to get the meaning across.
However, the story idea itself is very gripping. There's something shadowy and menacing about it, and it's very unclear which side one should be rooting for, and books like that are always amazing. It makes it clear that this is going to be exciting, mind-boggling, and possibly introspective read, without giving any secrets away.

Runs In the Blood
In an age of increased violence leading to a particular brand of genetic discrimination, Maude's best friend Arthur is the son of a murderer, raised by an alcoholic older brother, and feared by all his classmates. Does violence run in his blood? Has it been ingrained in his veins? Or can he choose who he will become?
"Genuine poetry can communicate before its understood."
-T.S. Eliot
  





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Wed Mar 30, 2016 2:51 am
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Lareine says...



Probably about a 6/10. While the concept of fighting eugenics is interesting to me, this pitch makes me ask more questions than it answers—in a negative way. Instead of making me ask "why am I not reading this?", it makes me ask questions along the lines of why they would allow Arthur and his parent and brother to exist in the first place if there's so much genetic discrimination. It seems to me there's less discrimination if the eugenics aren't really in place, considering they let a murderer run rampant and obviously have children, at least one of which carried some addictive tendency (which yes, I know is influenced by genetics to an extent but is also influenced majorly by social strata and the like), and the other of which would appear to a eugenics-enforcing society to be a ticking time bomb.

Basically, it makes me ask how this premise would even come about in the world you're proposing, which isn't a good thing.

- - -

Maia wandered up to the Kitzen Trail Saloon when she was five, lost and unable to tell anyone where she came from; now a young woman, she's just another bar girl in another tiny town in the West. So when a man in a long coat rides up and tells her the feds are hunting for her, she doesn't believe him—then the town's set on fire to smoke her out, and all of a sudden she's running from people who carry fragments of her forgotten past. Who is she that they're so desperate to get her back?
bring me her red,
R E D H E A R T

(previously arkhaion)
  





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Wed Mar 30, 2016 12:20 pm
Mea says...



I'd say 7/10. My main complaint is that it's just a little bit generic and doesn't say much about the Maia as a person- the most interesting thing about it in my opinion is that it's set in the Wild West. I also question why they would actually need to set the town on fire. Plus, I think it could be worded a bit tighter.

---

A young fairy from a family of traveling merchants finds a human girl in the woods, something nobody has seen for thousands of years. Her story? She followed a woman through a portal. A portal that shouldn't be able to exist, and a woman whose name has become a legend to frighten children.
We're all stories in the end.

I think of you as a fairy with a green dress and a flower crown and stuff.
-EternalRain

I think you, @Deanie and I are like the Three Book Nerd Musketeers of YWS.
-bluewaterlily
  





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Thu Apr 07, 2016 2:20 am
Lareine says...



I'd say probably about a 6/10—while it gives me interest in the world and the characters, it doesn't tell me enough about the conflict or the woman who's being set up as the antagonist figure for me to be invested in it. I'd like to see it flow a little better, and I'd like a little more evocative language to make me emotionally connect to the pitch, but that's just me, haha.

- - -

Leif's mother, an expert magic manipulator, disappeared when he was young. Now that he's a teenager, he's searching for her—according to her hypotheses on matrices and the living earth, she can't be dead, or else he would know. But how is his mother's mystery tied up with his political activism in New Amsterdam? And why is his father's newest genetics project not all that it claims to be?
bring me her red,
R E D H E A R T

(previously arkhaion)
  





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Thu Apr 07, 2016 3:05 am
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Rosendorn says...



7/10— what kills it for me is the genetics project, because it's a little tacked on and out of the blue. The first question is alright but needs a close, and I don't think you've found it yet.

--

Magic is against the Church, priests claiming everyone Marked as a witch is someone of incomplete faith, who let evil fester within them. Lilian had always followed the doctrine as close as she could, trying to live up to the expectations placed on her and building her identity around goodness. Nobody ever told her what to do if the Mark chose her.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

#TNT
  





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Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:22 am
Lareine says...



Numbers are haaaaard. But I'd say probably an 8/10. You give us a really good idea of the character, internal and external conflict, and possible antagonist for the novel in the Church, but I still feel like some of the grammar and style could stand to be spiffied up. The comma after "faith" feels extraneous, as does the past perfect "Lilian had always" -- "Lilian always followed" works just as well, I feel, and cuts out a clumsy extra word.

But you've done a really good job, and you know how much I'd love to read this novel already, so xD

- - -

Mort Lovelace has been dead for way too long. The car hit her on Sunday, and now it's Tuesday morning and she's still here—and to top it all off, the crazy homeless people are starting to look at her funny. She's pretty sure she's supposed to have moved on by this point, gone into the light and all that jazz, but what if her being stuck on Earth is a sign of a bigger problem up the chain? And with the afterlife on a time limit, how could she possibly help solve that in time for her to get in?
bring me her red,
R E D H E A R T

(previously arkhaion)
  





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Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:40 am
SkyeWalker says...



I'd say 8/10. The language, first of all, gives me a pretty good idea of the tone, and the first sentence (which I probably should have talked about first) really draws me in. My only problem (cause I'm being picky) is the wording of the last question. It doesn't make all that much sense to me, so I'd suggest expanding and explaining that part just a little more. :)

---

Jayden's best friend is dead. Gone. Reported to be missing officially, but he knows the truth. And he's sick of the sympathy. And when he bonds with some new kids, only to disappear the same way, and wake up to an old man who not only says he's him from the future, and that his best friend is still alive, and that he can control time, and that he's being hunted down by the so-called "Keeper of Darkness"?

It's too much.

But he soon learns that this crazy old man is right. About all of it.

But there are new shadows stirring, new enemies never encountered before.

Something screwed up the timeline, and Jayden, Keeper of Time, is determined to find out what, aside from being hunted down in twenty different ways, by twenty-hundred different people.

But when he does make that heartbreaking revelation, will he have the guts to set things right?

Spoiler! :
It took me far too long to compose that.
"You are... a new flower on an old Elm tree. What? NOT MY FAULT YOU REMIND ME OF A PINK FLOWER ON AN OLD ELM TREE" -Tuesday

"You would make a terrifying politician." -CuriosityCat

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=102765. I review!

Formerly Zhia and Reneia
  





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Mon Jun 06, 2016 8:51 pm
Holysocks says...



I think you told us a little too much. I feel like I know how everything happens... but at the same time I'm very confused, especially by the old man-version of himself instance. I like the bit about the dead people, and the "Keeper of Darkness" because there's something just wonderful about people who are dead who are actually alive (except in soap operas x__x)! I think the biggest issue is you try to explain everything in your story here, and it's hard to explain everything in a way that makes a story sound interesting- think about when people ask you: "What's your story about?" and how your explanation always sounds so cliche and dull when you say it out loud- that's kind of what happens if you try to explain too much (I'm not saying it sounds cliche or dull, just let me get to my point), it's not very mysterious. And I think these things have to have a certain amount of mystery otherwise the readers won't have any questions, and if the reader's don't have any questions, they won't have a need to read. Try to just give us the bare minimum- try to paint us the image that's in your head. After all, you're the first one that fell in love with the idea.


(now watch me fail at this XP)

---

Murder's and high-risk offenders go to the Isle as punishment, but Ali is no murderer. She's a doctor. A new movement is growing that looks upon the Isle as against human rights, and many people are demanding that these people be helped- cured, as they say. But can Ali - Dr. Rem - bring order to the Isle? That aside, will her and her team survive the harsh conditions and conflicting personalities?
we are the ones that put salt in our tea...

WARNING: Do not take grammar advice from me... EVER.
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2016 1:15 am
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Astronomer says...



Hello!
The first thing I thought of when I read this was Alcatraz. And just like Alcatraz I think I can predict the future of this novel. The Island is shut down. However, I will favor the fact that I can see some subplots with the harsh conditions and conflicting personalities. I find it unnecessary that you put the thing about the violation against human rights. I'm assuming that those in the isle would not be aware on how the outside world feels about them, unless the government is literally trying to cure them.

I'm mostly unsure about how your approach to this idea is. Are those in the Isle fighting for their freedom, or are they simply trying to maintain order? You never quite specified.

If this story is what I think it is, I might pick it up. I give it a 7/10.


----(I shall fail as well)


Marcos Hernandez lives in rural El Consuelo, Mexico in the year of 1937. His mother was the one who taught him to follow the fireflies of the mountain. That was when she was still alive. It's been five years since, and now it's just him and his abusive father- and the farm animals. That is, until another family moved in on the other side of the mountain. They have a daughter, and she knows the story of the fireflies. One fateful day they meet at the top of the mountain. And her stories can save him.
  





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Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:33 pm
BlueAfrica says...



7/10. I'd definitely give this a read, but as a pitch it could be tightened. i.e. "When she was alive, Marco Hernandez's mother taught him to follow the fireflies of the mountain." Bam. In one sentence, we know Marco's mom is dead, and we have this interesting thing about the fireflies of the mountain. (I'm so curious about this.) I'd say you don't have to give us the specific setting, since that becomes apparent for an agent in the bit where you expand on your pitch or for a reader in the longer blurb on the back of the book. If you feel like you have to include it, I'd say start off with something more concise, like "Rural Mexico, 1937. When she was alive..." or whatever. You can also leave off the "one fateful day"--we assume Marco's going to meet the daughter from this other family, because otherwise why bother mentioning her?

P.S. If you post this here, hit me up. I would totally read it.

Oh, boy. Here goes nothing.

-------------------------------------------

Christian Abernathy loves books, but fantasy becomes too real for comfort when an injured balloon artist turns up at his door. Soon Christian is consorting with ringmasters and fairies, a Minotaur and living statues - when he's not at work, avoiding the balloon artist's wife. But it won't be long before he has bigger problems. Like what to do when someone destroys a magical park and the only person who can stop him is through a portal to the Otherworld.

meh I feel like this needs more of an ending but I'm watching The Incredibles so
  








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