Young Writers Society

3/10 Not gonna expound upon this, as I don't know what's wrong with it, I just find it extremely boring.
---
Jumpyspot had nothing to write on the bottom sentence, so he used the fourth wall hammer to smash into reality.

0/10
so you lost the inspration to make up a random sentance?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The brisk winter air nipped at her nose, she held the ripped jacket tighter around her shoulders and looked for somewhere to rest for the night

7/10
It has promise, but it doesn't hold up. (And no, I didn't. I just wanted to break the fourth-wall and that seemed like a good place to do it.)
---
Sithera was promising land of bad satirical comedy.

3/10
the Grammar needs to be revised, and this sentance isnt holding up very well. There is no promise of anything beyond this point.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She felt helpless as the belt hit her skin over and over again, she felt as though it would never end.

4/10
For something that should have intrigued, this was bland.
---
Miles Walker would be the last person to ever die.

4/10

It's clunky and awkward. I want to rate it higher, but the wording of it is so hard to get through that I can't get past it. Why do we need to know last name? Why is "ever" thrown in there, when "last" already covers it? Why is there so much fat?

First lines are our primary hook to the work as a whole and that's the reason this thread exists in the first place— to let people know what impressions their first lines are giving. Many editors base their acceptance or rejection of manuscripts on whether or not the first line grabs them, which makes first lines (and last lines) one of the most important things a writer can do. Having a game in which first lines are rated helps refine that skill and helps people polish up their opening scenes in a micro way that will have big impact on whether or not their story is published.

--

This wasn't how a Promised life was supposed to begin.

EDIT 6/10
Though it's a fine opening, it is so stereotypical. Try putting some more importance behind the words and make it seem like a character feels some sort of emotion, this sentence is like staring into a dead man's eyes, blank and sterile.
---
In the beginning of time, a Faerie and a Minotaur met in a maze.
(I'm not sure about this one to be honest, it does feel right if you get the context (me) but if you don't (reader) than it might seem like a Percy Jackson ripoffish sentence, but the story is so drastically different than that. I need some advice.)

What advice to you want? 5/10, again because the sentence sounds like something right out of a fairy tale book. Once upon a time...this happened. I mean the actual context might be interesting, a faerie and a Minotaur but that sentence is too fairly-typical ish.

The computer screened regressed into darkness, battery flat, and she collapsed silently onto the table. Another day, wasted.

8/10

Maybe seperate the first sentance into 2 sperate sentances after you explain the computer dying. And make the woman in the sentance think "Gahh another day wasted." Other than that it's a remarkable sentance

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the only thing that kept her sane. He wanted to take that safety from her in order to weaken her more.

5/10 -- Very vague, we open up with a bit of character and only an "it" to latch us onto the world. I probably wouldn't read on, to be honest, unless the "it" was something extremely interesting.

--

Sir Lord Bastian,

I am afraid I must decline your offer of lodging in the summer months due to the unexpected death of my uncle.

6/10

Not that interesting, at first. But then I began to think "How did this person's uncle die, and why?" It will get me to read on, so it's good.

People have souls - I can prove it - but there is no God.

4/10 — I would've honestly given you higher had you not crammed so many ideas into one sentence. The idea that people have souls is vaguely interesting, the "I can prove it" is fascinating, then "but there is no god" is such a non-sequitur because I fail to see how that's related to the concept of souls (considering the scientific community keeps actually finding physical evidence of a soul, I think religion got rid of its monopoly on the concept of souls tying to God quite a long time ago). Lop off everything after "but" and you've got probably a 7. Avoid bringing up God for the rest of the first page and instead establish how your narrator can prove people have souls and your score gets even higher.

--

I made a wish on your heart but forgot it wasn't a shooting star.

I...don't know what to nitpick on that sentence except that it's perfect.

She came to me that midwinter's night, and I hear the faint sound of destiny's door being opened with the three soft knocks.

7/10

I was given immortality for the price of a wish and I've been loving every moment of it.

7/10

------------------------------------

The massive castle was dressed in Gothic lace, the gold and obsidian brick dancing with a grim sort of wealth and skill.