...also, a micromanager. And incredibly nosy. Get it? Nosy? XD
Likes: Food.
Dislikes: Snakes.
A Brief History: My pig wants to take over the world! And she'll help the owls do it...
Up for love?: Nah, too busy taking over the world.
Other: I LOVE YOU, ENGINEER.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
A mindless groan, reverberating around the wooden house annoyingly, slipped out of Johnny Vines' drooling face. He was snoring, lying on his bed, fleshy face just twitching as he woke up.
"Shit." He whisered, before groaning again. He tried to sit up without using his hands, but couldn't because of his flabby belly. He slithered out of the bed instead, his face deadly serious with concentration as he slipped out.
'Like an obese snake being born out of a turtle' his (one and only) girlfriend had described his method for getting up in the morning. And she was Vietnamese: That was the only English she ever spoke to Vines.
He was out of the bed, still swaddled in duvets and blankets and the like, but slowly his head rose, concentration and effort beginning to form.
"Hut!" He barked as he tried to leap up, his feet getting tangled in the mess, before falling straight back down. Loudly. It happened every morning though, Vines was prepared.
"Hutttttt!" He shouted as leapt up once again, this time keeping his balance. He stood stock still.
He did two and a half star jumps, and then had to sit back down, and then he did another 2. That was enough.
He put his sunglasses on, walked to the window, opened it and breathed in the air strongly. He nodded decisively.
"I love the smell of freshly-mown-grass in the morning," he muttered "smells like..."
Suddenly he stopped. His eyes were screwed up.
"Wait a minute...I didn't mow no grass...."
He opened his eyes, and what he saw would stay with him for the rest of his life.
"Dear Lord...Darrel....DARELL GET IN HERE!"
He continued to stare out of the window, fascinated yet horrified.
"Oh...my...god...Owls Mowing Grass..."
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand
Unlike most of the other owls, I wasn't up at the crack of dusk. No, I needed my beauty sleep. But when the lawnmowers started, I woke up. Who did they think they were, waking my up at dusk?
I ruffled my feathers, not in a good mood. This was going to be one of those nights. I walked over to the place in the barn where there was a pail of water. I looked in it, and used my feet to to smooth my feathers down. Once I was sure I looked good, I flew off to where I heard the lawn mowers.
My pink lawn mower was parked over by the fence. I flew over to it, and made an annoyed huff when I saw there was a scratch on it.
"Get up on the wrong side of the nest today, Ginny?" Mike asked with a laugh. I shot him a look, telling him I was not in the mood. Then again, I usually wasn't in the mood to deal with him. I started up my mower, and made a mental note to get pink paint later. Though, it was hard to find paint this color. My lawn mower was just the right shade of Bubble-Gum pink. I sighed, and decided whoever was to blame for this would pay.
I began to mow the grass, inhaling the sweet sent. I loved the smell of mowed grass in the evening. Maybe my night could still be good after all.
"Oh, mice tails," I said as my lawnmower stopped working out of nowhere.
This was the beginning of one bad night.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
"All right you guys..." I started to the remaining few owls milling about on the lawn. "You guys know what time it is...I guess...maybe. I dunno what time it is. Except that it's probably about time to start cutting some grass. If you want to, that is."
I couldn't give orders to save my life. Seriously. I was afraid that someone would get angry with me if I didn't give them a choice, so I always made it seem like they didn't really have to do anything, because the truth was, they didn't.
We didn't mow grass because we had to; we mowed it because we liked to. And anyowl who wanted a day off was certainly entitled to that. No...we did this because it made us happy. We cut other people's lawns out of the goodness of our own owly hearts. Think about it: these guys were, oh, really, really old? What if one of them went out to cut the grass one day and threw out his back, or aggravated one of the ol' war wounds? Yep, we were really doing these guys a favor.
After my...well, I suppose you could call it a speech, we started our mowers and began our work.
"Oh, mice tails," I heard. It had to be Ginny--no-owl had such a small voice, other than her. I looked over to see that her mower had stopped working.
"Choke it, Ginny," I said, ignoring Mike Hunt's teasing words. "Like this." I went over and showed her; I figured she already knew how, but it was just better to make sure.
Last edited by Vanadis on Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!
If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo
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I shot up in bed, quick as a turtle I did. What in Celine Dion's name had gotten into Johny? I flung my legs over the side of my bed, grabbed my cane and stood. I was in my long underwear and about nothin' else, but that didn't matter much. It was just Johny, the old bloke had seen me less decent than this.
I stumbled out of the room groggily, rubbing my eyes. "Why you standin' over by the window?" I mumbled, yawning.
"Darrel, you gotta see this!!"
Johny was crackin'. Sure as my last girlfriend always burned my supper, he was crackin'. But, nonetheless, I made my way to the window, pulled back the curtains. My eye twitched. Three times, it did.
"What in heaven's name?" I mumbled. Owls? Lawnmowers?? Good gravy, some messed up things were going down tonight. Maybe...maybe pigs had learned to fly, and now all of this horrible stuff was happenin'. The world couldn't be ending yet, I sure as heckskie wasn't dead. I had already made it perfectly clear with God that the world wasn't s'posed to end till I was cold, dead and in a coffin deep under the very ground I lived on.
"Where's ah...ah... the cat and the dog?" I asked, still staring. Owls mowing my lawn? Nooo... I liked mowing my own lawn thank you very much! My dear mother would drive a fork through my heart if she knew I was lettin' a bunch o' animals do my yard work. Of course, she would if she was still living and breathing, but she wasn't.
Johny shrugged. "I dunno. But..."
"There's nothing wrong with your butt, Johny. We've been over this before." He gave me a bestranged look. "Well there ain't. And 'sides, we got owls to worry about right now."
I perched on the wonky orange tree which was in direct view of the all the other owls mowing grass. I mowed sometimes but mostly I was on my tree she was named Babez A La Mode but I nicknamed her Penny. I've been told that the nickname and the name had no similarities. I don't understand how blind some owls are? Its tragic really, Penny is clearly very similar to Babez A La Mode. Well enough about the tree, and more about me.
I am what all owls aspire to be. I am sexy, enthralling, smooth, and modest. And I was standing on Penny because I was scoping chicks. To put it quite simply.There was this one chick that I couldn't put my finger upon, little spitfire. Not better looking than I am which is always a win, always strolling around in her pink lawnmower which to me was a win. In touch with her feminine side unlike those butch Owl-lettes. The only problem, she was whiny. Overly whiny to say the least. And I Chris 'Amadeus' Rock had my sights on her.
I flew down when I saw her stop mowing.
"Hey.." I trailed off, searching desperately within the depths of my brain for her name. "Babes." Very good Chris. You are a noob. An utter amazing looking idiot.
"Hello. What do you want?" She asked angrily. Almost in frustration.
I was freaking out so I blurted out what I knew best.
"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U an I together." I said winking but she just stared.
"You must be the reason for global warming because you are hot!" I said raising my eyebrows. My best owl-lette killer move but she just kept staring.
"Do you believe in love at first site or shall I fly past you again?" Third times a charm This time she looked me up and down and walked away leaving me alone with a broken pink lawnmower.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.
It's not that I didn't like Chris- okay, actually, I didn't like him all that much. He was stuck up, and got really annoying. Plus, he obviously wasn't good enough for me. I ruffled my feathers at the thought of him, and then smoothed them down again.
Three cheesy pick up lines in a row. What a mice tail. I flew back to the barn to get my spare mower. It wasn't exactly the right shade of pink, but it would have to do. I needed to get a warranty on my other one. I started up the engine, and went back out to mow.
I was able to mow in peace for a while, this being the sturdier of the two mowers. Where my lawnmower went, a perfect line of green blades followed. I started humming an Owl City song contently, Rainbow Veins, thinking the lyrics as I hummed. High rise, veins of the avenue, bright eyes and subtle variations of blue, everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you, street lights glisten on the boulevard...
It happened to be my favorite song of all time. Maybe it was because I could relate to the name of the band, or maybe it was just the song. It didn't really matter.
I realized Chris was watching me again. I sighed, and rolled my large eyes.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
Boy, was I in the mood for a tea party. All of the owls were mowing the grass while I, on the other hand, was trying to find something to eat. Apparently, us owls were supposed to eat mice and junk. Seriously? They were well disgusting. I had to sneak into the farm house to actually get my food. Cheese was my favourite. When that cheese was paired up with chocolate... well! I was a very satisfied guy.
"Do you believe in love at first site or shall I fly past you again?" Chris's voice interrupted my fantasy.
I turned around to see Chris chatti- trying to chat up Ginny. It wasn't hard to figure out that Chris was a knob. It wasn't that Chris wasn't attractive, he just thought that he was a lot more attractive than he actually was. Mind you, he wasn't the one with moobs. Oh, how I defied my moobs. One owl who was hot though was Hedwig from Harry Potter. Dang, was he hot.
I began laughing as I noticed Ginny walking away from Chris without saying a single word. Unsurprisingly, Chris still looked completely proud of himself. If I started flirting with him, it'd creep him out. That would be fun. As Ginny continued mowing, with a different mower this time, Chris continued staring at her.
Grinning, I quietly flew towards him. He didn't notice me as I silently stood behind him. Chris was clearly still too concentrated on Ginny to notice me. Pushing my head towards Chris's ear, I opened my beak.
I was getting hungry. In fact, I hadn't had breakfast yet. After shutting off my lawnmower I flew over the fence to a field, and there I found my favorite apple tree. That was mostly what I ate. Apples. It was sad, but I was a vegetarian. Mice didn't need to die for us.
I found one, nice and red, and took a bite out of it. I froze as I was leaning back towards the apple, and a bullet whizzed by, taking the apple with it. I took two steps behind the leaves, and looked down.
One of those hairless monkeys was looking up at me, and he had a gun. I think the other owls called these things humans. Ugly creatures. He shot again, and I hopped back with a cuss. He was being such a rat-tail. I glared down at him, and hooted a long stream of my worst cusses. He could settle for that.
For a minute he was distracted, and I flew away, heading back towards the house.
"Human with a gun, human with a gun!" I warned the others.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
"Human with a gun!" someone hooted, from the sounds of her voice that sounded dangerous. So I quickly turned off my lawn mower and flew up to her. "You OK?" I asked. She looked at me like I was some short of retard. "Of course I'm alright! Do I look like I was shot?" She asked, I walked around her, looking for a gunshot wound. "Nope!" I said in a cheery voice, giving her an owly smile. I flew back over to my lawn mower. "What are you doing?" Someone asked. "Didn't you hear Ginny? Human has a gun!" I turned to them and shrugged. "So? The human has a gun?" they face/winged and looked at me, like I was some short of idiot. "Human, can kill you. Using the gun." they hooted slowly. "Oh." I said. "Well, that's not very nice."
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.
"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.
"No, that's not very nice," I said, a panicked feeling rising in my chest. What the hell did we ever do to these farmers to make them want to shoot at us, anyway? All we ever did was mow their grass. And, well, they weren't the most...able bodied...of all farmers I'd ever seen, so I figured we were doing them a favor. And they just didn't seem to understand that.
"Move out of the way," I told Jasmine. We couldn't lose anyone.
"MOVE!" I shouted urgently to everyowl. "Into the forest! Go! Go!" We'd fall back for a while. After that, well, I wasn't entirely sure what we'd do. I had no inkling of how to lead, nor any good ideas on strategy. I supposed I could take a poll, or even proclaim someone else leader. I was never the best choice.
I took off from the branch I'd been perched on, making for the dark shelter of the woods. I wasn't sure what would become of the lawnmowers, but honestly, our lives came first.
The sound of gunfire penetrated my eardrums. A shot came way too close to my gimpy leg for comfort, but I ignored it and started flying in a desperate zig-zagging pattern until I was sure that the shots couldn't reach me anymore. I hoped to whatever gods were out there that no-owl else was hurt. I had my doubts about Jasmine and Ginny...
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!
If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo
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As much as I would have liked to follow his command, my ribbon was in the barn. I had one pink ribbon, my mother had given it to me, and I couldn't leave it. It was one of my most prized possessions, besides my own beautiful self.
Once I was sure the hairless monkeys were distracted hunting the other owls, I flew back to the barn. I grabbed the ribbon from my nest, but it wouldn't budge. I pulled, and I yanked, but nothing happened. It was stuck in an entanglement of twine.
I hooted a few of my choicest cusses, and pulled some more. Suddenly, I heard rattling on the barn doors. They had come for me.
*this could be an owl or a farmer*
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
I sat in the barn, hiding away, waiting for the humans to walk in. It was stupid, very stupid to be exact. Who goes and waits for people who want to kill him?!
But I am indeed fascinated by humans, them and their flashy technology and talking mouthpieces. Us owls only have gotten as far as, well, lawnmowers and people saw that as such an achievement.
I heard a crash, and a shrill squeak. I hid myself in-between some hay. It was Ginny, she was struggling on something...and I certainly was in no mood to help her.
I sunk even further into the hay as she tugged on the ribbon, then some opened the door. I couldn't hear them, perhaps that was my human. I was excited.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.
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