Young Writers Society

Screw it! She was going to call him, broken leg or not she'd have to have fun. She picked up the phone and his card and called him.

"Hey Shaun? Hi it's Marieanne."

Your details are incredibly in-depth and they really draw the reader in.
However, detail can only get you so far. I have the same problem--I go incredibly rich in details and forget the storyline. It is possible that you aren't continuing with this detail-infused theme. If so, I beg your pardon. If not, then here's some advice: try and establish the storyline and then add excess detail
=]

Ok you're not supposed to critique a storybook, you add on to it. If you want to critique go to a different form, this is not the place for critiquing

Shaun pulled out his cellphone.

"It's Shaun here... Oh! Hi Marieanne."
Shaun could feel his heart pounding. It seemed like it was going to leap out of his chest. Why did she have this effect on him? Sure, she was pretty, but there had been other pretty ones....

He realized his mouth had gone dry.

"Ah, Marianne, is the damsel in need of that help?"

He heard Marieanne laugh. What a beautiful laugh...

"Not quite, Shaun. I was wondering whether you want to go for coffee sometime?"

"Sounds great. When? Shall I bring an extra bike helmet?"

"In my condition? You have to be kidding!"

"I'm sure we could find a way... Nah. I'll meet you there. I know a great coffee shop near the park."

"Good. How about four tomorrow? Or are you working?"

Shaun thought. "Uh... no. That's good. I get off at three. I'll meet you at the park then. By the fountain. Right?"

Marieanne laughed again. It made Shaun want to laugh too.

"Sounds excellent. I'll meet you there. Seeya Shaun."

"Seeya."

Shaun closed his cellphone, a strange trembling taking hold of him.

"I need something to eat..."

Shaun went to the fridge, trying to get the musical laughter out of his head.