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Beyond [Revised]



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Tue Jan 24, 2012 12:24 am
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Abocreature says...



Sweat prickled her brow in this moment, super-heated blood flushing to her cheeks. That feeling, that climactic scent of romantic experience engulfed her, and nervous as she may be, the girl stepped forward up a silver plated hump.

She piped cute, timid words, "How was your day, dear?" The door to the chilling alpine adventure was shut, a world of cold mountains closed as the warmth of inside greeted her turned back, a gentle hand in her glove simply beaming at the feel of closing it.

A man, about forty in age, smiled the smile of a man so irrevocably in love that the very ages could not stop him. His protective arms wrapped warmly around her shivering body, a soothingly gruff voice appearing from her back, "It was as wonderful as you, darling."

"So it was horrible?"

He laughed a hearty laugh, melting her from the inside. She turned to smile and kiss him, his lips like a wispy cloud and chest as inviting as her fleeting dreams. "Come, the lovely dinner you left cooking is ready," said the man.

Her smile glistened, the scent of stew laden heavy in the air, as though the very oxygen would liquefy. They stepped through the wooden cabin, his hand in hers, to the source of the delight. She served him and then herself. The husband and wife sat at the old table, the gift of their marriage, and she began consumption of the stew so oddly bitter.

Yet the man merely sat over the bowl, swaying silently. "What's the matter?" said the woman, "Is the stew bad?" She could taste the wrongness, and knew the answer, but also knew such bitterness could not be smelled.

He gave an encouraging smile, "My dear Mary, it smells delightful, I assure you, but I'm simply not hungry right now. I'm sorry..."

Silence filled the room like a trodden downpour. A wave of loneliness and remorse flooded over Mary as a tsunami wave, broken in her tears on the wood, greeting an otherwise empty room. For, you see, there is something you must know about this man:
He's not there anymore.
Last edited by Abocreature on Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:05 am
Xyra says...



So this has a lot of beautiful imagery, and I feel like thats the entire point of the piece is to be aromantic imagery piece. But I do think that you could develop your imagery more, and there are some other things. So things I like are purple, awkward/confusing things in red, and possible additions/changes in green. :D Good luck with your revision Abo!!

Abocreature wrote:Sweat prickled her brow in this moment, super-heated blood flushing to her cheeks. That feeling, that climactic scent of romantic experience engulfed her, and nervous as she may be, stepped forward up a silver plated hump. <--- TENSES!!!! Make sure it keeps to one tense, like sweat prickled on her brow... blood flushed to her cheeks.

She piped cute, timid words, "How was your day, dear?" The door to the chilling alpine adventure was shut, a gentle hand in her glove simply beaming at the shut. This sentence makes me go wait what? The allusion to a chilling alpine adventure is never developed. I want to see more!

A man, about forty in age, smiled the smile of a man so irrevocably in love that the very ages could not stop him. His protective arms wrapped warmly around her shivering body <-- Why is she shivering?, a soothingly gruff voice appearing Word choice?, "It was as wonderful as you, darling." So cute

"So it was horrible?"

He laughed a hearty laugh, melting her from the inside. She turned to smile and kiss him, his lips like a wispy cloud and chest as a dream<--Describe his chest more tangibly.. "Come, the lovely dinner you left cooking is ready," said the man. <---How does he know she left something cooking?

Her smile glistened, the scent of stew laden heavy in the air, as though the very oxygen would liquefy. Awesome description!! They stepped through the wooden cabin, his hand in hers, to the source of the delight. She served him and then herself. The husband and wife sat at the old table, the gift not really necessary, you never developed the idea of it being a gift, and she began consumption of something so oddly bitter. I was confused here. Maybe you could say "of her oddly bitter stew." The something makes it confusing. Is she eating the table?

Yet the man merely sat over the bowl, swaying silently. "What's the matter?" said the woman, "Is the stew bad?" She could taste the wrongness, and knew the answer, but also knew such bitterness could not be smelled.

He gave an encouraging smile, "My dear Mary, it smells delightful, I assure you, but I'm simply not hungry right now. I'm sorry..."

Silence filled the room like a trodden downpour. A wave of loneliness and remorse flooded over Mary as a tsunami wave, broken in tears on the wood I 'm confused here..., greeting an otherwise empty room. For, you see, there is something you must know about this man:
He's not there anymore.
LOVE this part. It made me go OMG wait WHAT? MORE!!


Sorry if this seems a little harsh, but it was a beautiful piece overall! No real spelling/grammar errors, or anything else. Bravo!!
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





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Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:27 am
Abocreature says...



Thank you very much, Xyra. You were quite helpful! I revised it a bit, and I hope it answers all of your questions. :)
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 2:03 am
Xyra says...



Very very lovely! Good job!! :D
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  








Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence