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Young Writers Society


The Junk Shop



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114 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5391
Reviews: 114
Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:57 am
Priceless says...



Hi guys! Please please review this xD And could I please get some input on the ending? I think the last paragraph sucks, and the ending is too abrupt...so, advice please? Thank youu..enjoy! (or not :P)

The second I walked into the shop, I knew. I knew by the way she stood with stooped shoulders, her back to me, staring listlessly at the headless statue that no one had wanted. He was not with her. She turned around at the little tinkle of the bell, and our eyes met. They were not the bright blue eyes, sparkling with life and mirth that I had seen before. They were bottomless pools of naked pain. They filled with tears and she walked hastily out of the shop.

I would always remember them as the two most interesting people I have ever seen. Interesting isn't even the right word. They were two stars on Earth, two roses in a garden full of dead, cracked leaves and weeds. I've seen teenage couples before, one too many. The boys hold their girls close, all the while winking at their friends, as if the girl is not a person at all, but a prize, a piece of meat. The girls force themselves to giggle, wearing practically nothing, pretending to enjoy themselves, but it doesn't take a genius to know they're not happy. But these two were different. They came to the junk shop as often as I did, maybe more. That was the first thing that caught my eye. Why would two teenagers be in a junk shop, instead of partying and drinking and ruining their lives the way their peers did? And it was not a one-time thing. I suspected they would go every day, or every week. Everytime I was there, so were they.

And it was astounding.

He would move from one item to the another, making up elaborate and ridiculous tales of how it came to be in the junk shop. She would giggle and 'correct' his 'egregious errors'. An emerald ring was actually a priestess' ring, a headless statue had once contained an evil spirit that had burst out of his – or her - prison and now roamed the world, while the chosen one hunted frantically for that same headless statue. The owner of the junk shop owner had become fond of them as well; he would just watch and smile and laugh. They were on their own plane, so detached from Earth, and so different from everyone else. They let me know there was God, or at least, a very strong force that had brought these two surreal, beautiful people together in love and joy and innocence and everything the rest of us have forgotten.

And then he was gone.

I am a reserved man, I am not the sort who would go introduce himself to his neighbors and promptly receive all the latest gossip. So it was ten years before I saw them again. Her again. I learned later that he had died, drowned while saving a child. Morbid as it seems, it was a fitting death for a person like him. To die doing something so noble and special. There was a little hitch in the story though; she had been left behind. She and I had shared a fleeting moment of understanding that day. I was perhaps one of the few who truly understood what he had been. What they had been.
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  





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Reviews: 66
Tue Dec 27, 2011 12:32 pm
Angelreader77 says...



Hi there! Here to review!
I really like this piece. Your choice of word was quite good. And most of all, your beginning really pulled me in. People often don't get the beginning sentence of their story right, and it is most important. If you intrigue the reader enough, he/she will have no choice to continue and read the topic. :D So good beginning.

The first paragraph is excellent. I found no mistakes in it. Also, as I said before it's intriguing enough :D

The second paragraph- I like the imagery you've used to distinguish this couple from the rest :D A suggestion, though. Could you perhaps make it into two instead ? It's a bit long.
Priceless wrote:And then he was gone.

Uptill here, everything's fine. Excellent even.
But the last paragraph...
As I read the story, I kept on feeling all this description, and intresting-ness of the couple would amount to something. Maybe a reason why they were so different, a back story , anything. Maybe even why he wasn't there in the junk shop then.
The ending was a bit abrupt, drifting off from the main junkyard scene too directly. Maybe you could add a few sentensces ver here on this man's thouht's at this very moment. Like what he was going to do now. Or whether he would or would not follow her. Maybe ending with something like:
I will find out eventually.
And then maybe you can go on how that 'eventually' came ten years later. Maybe also stating the fact that in the end the were always together. Like they didn't break up or anything.
See all of this above is just a list of possibilities you can use. It's your choice, really.
Also I liked your ending which was a bit dramatic-Angel-type. xD
Keep writing~
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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267 Reviews



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Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:34 pm
Nike says...



Hello, Priceless! And just to clarify, this story was priceless. I fell in love with it. It wasn't like any other one, it was different. It may be because I am listening to Mumford & Sons but either way this story had emotion. It had this feeling and back story to it that I understood exactly what the character felt. I loved this so much. Cheers to you! This is was simply Beautiful.

Nike (:

Keep Writing
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  








Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour