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A little Christmas story



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Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:23 am
Dreamwalker says...



The pine leaves tickled our noses that morning, as we reached our hands under the bristled limbs until finally crashing in a jumbled mess of arms and legs under the Christmas tree; first you, then I. The warmth of each breath erupted the chill of excitement along my neck, and the exasperated laughter left faint trails and bumps along the skin of my forearms which rested against your chest. A spot where they seemed to mesh and meld when the time came for such close encounters.

And you, who had this way of crinkling your brow and appearing to be so very offended those few short seconds, for my own amusement, before reverting back to that perfect state of bliss. This sort of honest motion rather than a shroud.

I used to think it was a shroud. A mask. A façade that would brush across the skin of your lips, and corrupt your features with unwanted friendliness as if you pitied me. I had always believed it to be pity.

But now, as we laid there among the badly wrapped presents and the rather sloppily ornamented fir, I couldn’t imagine my life without that rigid jaw. The smooth forehead and perfectly roman, though slightly oily, nose of which I kissed softly. A brief affection when the whim and the courage took me, though not often did it.

And you would be happy. Your lips would pull back over slightly crooked teeth, and your green eyes would soften considerably, though for whatever reason I could not imagine. Affection was not my strong-suit but warmth was yours, and in warmth I felt comforted. And comfortable enough to touch my lips briefly to the top of that nose, wondering how anyone or anything could be so perfect.

“You’ve got needles stuck in your hair,” you'd stated, eyes flicking up momentarily before flitting back down in that sequential embrace. Your hand would reach up and pluck two or three of them, tossing them away, before smiling once more.

“Thanks,” I murmured, the colour flooding briefly, my instinct for flight becoming all too powerful. And I had wanted to escape many times before, for fear of being and doing exactly what I shouldn’t have. Like resting my forehead against yours, or kissing the tip of your nose.

“Any time,” you would reply. A serious note. “Every time.”

There was that knot again. The pleading, persistence.

You reached into your pocket then; a short, quick motion as if just remembering something important, and that’s what your face had depicted. A bout of realization and then warmth. When your hand raised, a small box, wrapped in red paper inhabited that palm with a little gold bow perched precariously on top by a discreet piece of scotch tape. Your imploring eyes met mine, then you inched your hand forward.

“For you,” you'd say. “Merry Christmas.”

At first I didn’t take it. The way it had surprised me was one thing, seeing as we had both made sure to spend the exact same amount of money this year, and that all the gifts would have to be accounted for. Everything had to be even; deserved. Getting more without giving was something I feared, for it would make me even more inadequate than I already was, and you would receive no more from me than you were willing to give yourself.

I did not voice this at first. In fact, I did not voice this at all. The panic was still flooding my veins and curdling the blood that thumped mercilessly loud.

When you did not appear to be fazed by my lack of movement and had yet to lower your hand, I finally plucked it – though quickly – and ascertained that it weighed very little. In fact, it felt light as a feather.

“Open it,” you'd urge. And so I did.

With quick fingers, I tore the scarlet paper, taking the bow for myself. A keepsake, I had thought, for the first Christmas we would spend together. And maybe, there would be more Christmases to come.

The box in itself was made of cardboard. Brown and plain and inconspicuous. The kind of box that contained silly things. Contrite things. Things that shouldn’t make me worry as much as I did. But worry was something ingrained in my being. Ingrained where words could not touch nor fix. To deserve and to believe in deserving are two very different things, and I had never believed in deserving much of anything, let alone you.

And so I opened the box.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that there was nothing in it. Not a mark or a token. Not a gesture of times gone past or times to come. Just an empty cardboard box, resting on the tips of my fingers, waiting for the explanation that would inevitably come. Of course, it was not what I expected to hear. Not in the least.

“I was waiting for the right time to give you this,” you said, then paused, as if deliberating on what should and what needed to be heard. When you spoke again, your voice took on a more serious note once more, quaking in placidity before taking a turn for an emotional upstart. “I wanted to give you hope.”

I could feel my teeth nicking my lower lip then. A nervous fidget. “Hope?”

“Yes,” you'd respond. “Hope.”

I turned on my back then, away from your imploring eyes for a few moments so I could catch my breath. Redeem myself from the confusion it all brought forth. Of course, your hand would snake around my neck then, cupping my cheek with a soft, gentle motion.

“You, of all people, deserve hope,” you'd murmur, then. A gentle hum of a sound. “For every time you’ve doubted yourself and feared saying what you meant. For those times you took the blame. Mostly, though, for everything you’ve said and for everything you’ve believed.”

The tears were stinging now, brimming over in that moment of embarrassment and fear before plummeting in streams of liquid. Of course, your thumb was there to wipe them away. Always there to catch them as they fell.

“I want you to put hope in me,” you said. “And if not, use that gift wisely. Hope is a beautiful thing.”

I remembered kissing you then. The first time I had ever kissed you of my own accord, and your lips felt hard from that brief surprise, and the waves of nausea were swept away by delightful excitement that came with every passionate motion.

And then there was you. You, who brought me hope.

I don’t think I ever told you that your Christmas present came too late, that year.

~~

Spoiler! :
I'm in an extremely Christmas-y mood right now! And a sort of 'lets write romantic, cheesy fiction' mood, so I combined and created this little piece of.. ugh. Its so sickly sweet you can feel your arteries clogging xD.

Anyways, rip it apart!
Last edited by Dreamwalker on Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:37 am
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BluesClues says...



I just wanted to say, I actually didn't think this got too gooey - usually I can't bring myself to read past the first line of a romantic short story because it usually is hopelessly gooey and cliched. But this was actually nice, and you kept the dialogue to a minimum, which I liked (it's an art I learned only recently) - none of those long speeches about love or being scared of loving the listener or whatever other bs that I have never heard anyone say in real life. Your dialogue was much less cliched - I mean, it started to be a leetle gooey after he gave her the hope, in the short speech he gave about that, but otherwise good and even that instance wasn't very painful.

The only thing is, that last line - it drove me crazy! Why did his gift come too late for her that year??? (Okay, I admit, I'm a little pressed for time so I just skimmed this and actually read the dialogue...sorry. So maybe you said it somewhere in there. But if not, tell us!!! I'm so curious!!! Maybe I'll reread this later to see if I just missed it...)

Anyway, that probably wasn't really helpful but at least you know your dialogue was good...

~Blue
  





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Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:02 am
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Lavvie says...



Walker, dear. 'Tis Lavvie.

So this is the first Christmas story I've read since the start of the holiday season. Despite your statements, I find it adorable and it fits well with what the true holiday season is about: love and connection. You did very well in tying things together (there weren't any lose ends as far as I could tell by the end of the story) and it was fluid, for the most part, in plot/theme. Nevertheless, there were a few things that I thought could be improved:

As is only proper, I'll start from the top. Your first line is very wordy and can easily deter. Thing is, it feels like you had so many amazing ideas for opening lines that you just couldn't decide and so you ended up mashing them all together to make one large monster sentence. Yes, there are some good, descriptive points within it, but for a first line, it is definitely too much. I'm not saying the description is too much, but that the sentence itself is too much. It would be perhaps easier to cut the sentence in half and make two. It just goes on and on and on and, quite honestly, ruins the beginning. I'm not sure if I'm being to clear with my explanations, but I'm sure you'll get the general gist of what I'm trying to say. The first line is, as you already know, extremely crucial to how the rest of the story plays out and lends a first impression to the reader. Your line has the potential to be silly and fun and serious and lovely all the same time - just be careful with the phrasing.

Next is your verb tense(s). You've chosen a very awkward tense that is oftentimes avoided and one that people easily commit errors with. I can sense as to what you want to say, but you're switching so much between tenses that it becomes just as jumbled as your opening line reads. Be wary when switching between.

A quick note about your use of semi-colons: semi-colons, more often than not, are for instances of fixing comma splices. Most of the times you have used a semi-colon have not been such instances. For example's sake, I'll point out what I mean:

Everything had to be even; deserved.


Since 'deserved' is not a stand-alone independent clause, the use of the semi-colon is redundant. It can simply be replaced by a comma (embarrassing what I wrote previously).

The entirety of it all is sweet and heartwarming and brings me to say a sing-song "awwwwwwww". Honestly, m'dear, I think this is a really fantastic Christmas story.

Yours,
Lavvie
Last edited by Lavvie on Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.


What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:58 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey Walker!

You know, it was actually a little strange reading a story of yours with dialogue. I'd forgotten how good at that you were too. *Pouts*

Anyway, the ending near enough made me cry. I don't know what's up with me. I hardly ever feel the need to do anything but smile at a good story, but the whole thing with him giving her hope was so darn cute. It's fluff, but a good fluff. Not the usual, he had a chiseled jaw and eyes the colour of chocolate and he was perfect - I so haven't done that at all...

The fact that you made them imperfect was great. The picture you painted of him - crooked teeth and not so perfect skin type - was great. It made me want to punch the air in victory. A not so perfect character! The way you described the MC was great too. You didn't so much as come out and say that she had trust issues, but the way that you wrote her dialogue and how you made her act, was enough to get the point across. Great job on having two realistic characters. Well, the empty box was a little cheesy, but some guys are hopeless romantics at heart. Or so I've been told.

I didn't find any mistakes, though I hardly ever do with your work - too engrossed in the story. I think it flowed nicely and most of all, I enjoyed it.

Thanks for giving me another great story to read and for reminding me it's almost Christmas :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:09 am
Jas says...



This will be reviewed by me sometime this week!
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:31 am
Jas says...



This is rather gooey and mushy, but it's the type that's just right around Christmas. Everyone needs a little fluff in their lives. It's really well-done and I don't have much to say on it, so bravo on that. :]

The pine leaves tickled our noses that morning, as we reached our hands under the bristled limbs until finally crashing in a jumbled mess of arms and legs under the Christmas tree; first you, then I.


Waaay too long for a first sentence. Reading this, even with the commas, was a lot. I think a full-stop after 'morning' would make it stronger, then start up again at 'We'. On the sentence itself, I don't get it, why do they fall? It's not like their shoving each other or at a high height or anything.

erupted the chill of excitement along my neck


Strange imagery. I think you have the wrong word here. 'erupted the chill of excitement' sounds like boils bursting on this poor persons neck which is pretty gross for a fluff Christmas story.

rested against your chest. A spot where they seemed to mesh and meld when the time came for such close encounters.


What does this mean? His chest is the spot where laughter and boils of excitement seem to mesh and meld? o.o

we had both made sure to spend the exact same amount of money this year


You say 'this year' as if there have been previous ones, when later you specifically mention this is their first Christmas together.

rom your imploring eyes


I don't like the word imploring. I didn't like it used the first time but didn't think it was such a problem that it had to be mentioned, but I just really don't think it fits with this cutesy, Christmas tale.

came with every passionate motion


It has to be passionate? Why does making out always have to be described as passionate? Always. I would think that this kiss would be soft, gentle and hesitate, especially since it was the narrator who begun it and she's been described as this flighty, scared, hopeless thing.

I don’t think I ever told you that your Christmas present came too late, that year.


What a sweet ending. I actually really like this ending.

*

It was adorable. There wasn't anything significant about the problems, just nit-picky things. Good work. I like this.

PM me with questions or comments.

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  








A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu