Young Writers Society

Galen


I checked my watch again and saw it was already 7:20. I frowned, wondering if he was going to show up anytime soon. I was about to call him again when I heard a faint shout from somewhere behind me. "Galen!" the voice said, unmistakably Jared's. I turned my head to the direction of him with a smile planted on my face, only to find...him.

I'm sure Jared was somewhere beside him, but I was unable to look elsewhere; I was in a frozen state. Everything seemed to melt away, it was just me, my shallow breathes, frantic heart, and him. All I could manage was the sudden drop of my smile.

There he was, gazing back at me with such shocked, open and fragile eyes that made me feel like I could see right through him. In that instant, all the memories I've spent years locking away came rushing back to my mind, filling me up with so much angst and bittersweetness, I felt like a glass of champagne, just bubbling and spilling with smothering emotions.

His halo of a head is still so painfully familiar with locks of hair that curl around his ears like they always have. His full lips parted slightly and he started to square his shoulders like he was trying to shield himself from something...from me. But it%u2019s those eyes that had me caged, the eyes that appeared in every childhood memory. It%u2019s the eyes I see in every dream and always the first thing I think of every morning, in those first 2 seconds before you are truly awake. My heart was pounding in yearning for him, a pathetic desire for just one little touch.

I could feel him taking me in too. From the surely wide eyes, long hair like a spilling cascade, to my flat stomach and frozen self. Then when his eyes trailed up my body to meet my eyes again, I sucked in a deep breath. I could see him struggling to pull up his guard in that very second, just before he turned and bolted for the door.

Athren

My hands are shaking and it feels like there's someone pounding on my head every time my heart beats. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to get control over myself yet I'm still trembling like a madman. Well, after my great performance, the wonderful first impression I've only dreamed about and never really thought would happen, I guess I really am turning mad. I keep fighting for air, but in every breath I took, it seemed like I was getting less. To someone else, I guess I would've sounded like a dying man.

I had no idea who I was going to see or else I would've cleaned up better or wrote a speech. If I could replay that moment, the first thing I would've done was given her a smile, the one that she once whispered in my ear about how she loved it and how it brightened her day. Then, I would've calmly walked to her and say hi. She'll loosen up and we'll start talking catching up. That's when Jared would sink away to the shadows and give us some time. I would've gotten her phone number and after our 7th date, we'd be standing outside her house or dorm and I'll lean in for a kiss that should've been planted years ago. All over again, we'd fall madly in love, but this time, I won't let her go.

But that didn't happen. I ran away from the second chance I thought never existed because, truth be told, when I looked at her again, I didn't know if I loved her or hated her more. I love every single thing about her. From her bubbly laugh to that tiny scar near her knee. I love how I can forget everything when I'm around her and how we'd be in our very own bubble; a utopia.

I also hated her. It was the moment I caught her eyes, the eyes belonging to the very person who tore my world in half, ripped my heart to shreds and left me all broken up, that I hated her. I spent 11 fucking years building my life around her from sleepovers, vacations to stolen kisses and ___/ I remember the countless times I got up in the middle of the night and ran to her doorsteps because she simply wanted comfort. Everything I've done until graduation was for her, because of her. She told me daily she loved me more than anything, up until the day I was told she was on a plane to another country and wasn't planning on coming back.

I love her so, so much it hurts like hell, but now, I'm not all that sure its still worth it.



A/N:I know its a bit vague on details, but like i said, theres more to this but I'm not sure if i should continue, so pls giv some feedback. Thanks a ton!!

This seems really interesting. If I were you, I would continue. There are a couple grammar problems like
[

I was about to call him again when I heard a faint shout from somewhere behind me. "Galen!" the voice said,

There should be a comma instead of an exclamation point so it would be something like, "Galen," the voice shouted,...
But the grammar can wait untill your almost finished.I can't wait to read more!

Hi there! 'Tis Lavvie.

So, often I like reading light romance stories and I've come to finally learn and appreciate them for what they really are. However, I felt that, as I reading this, you did really well attracting the attention of a reader but then you trailed off and the story (excerpt) fell short of its previously established expectations.

The first part - Galen's narration - is good. It was through this part that you really captured the audience's attention and held it. A few lines inspired questions to be brought up, but those good kind of questions that keep the person reading since they want to know more. However, despite the fact I liked Galen's part, there were a few times where some metaphors were questionable. This is one problem I see often in romantic short stories or romantic excerpts of: so many magically romantic metaphors. And once they are overused it becomes sickening. A lot of romance fiction is written a lot using metaphors and similes - and I'm not saying to avoid using them because they are a very prominent literary tool to be used within writing - but I'm saying be creative with them and where you use them. The first metaphor you used was to describe Athren's eyes. This is so dreadfully cliche and even compared to your use of it via 'butterfly wings'. (Also, I can't seem to grasp the concept of eyes being delicate like wings... it doesn't make sense to me.) Maybe instead of using a metaphor to describe Athren's eyes - how about you truly describe them with honest, killing detail through Galen? Personally, that would also be a lot more interesting. Is there something special about his eyes? Why do they appear so innocent and shocked? Expand upon this statement!

Secondly, Athren's part was hugely disappointing and just as confusing as Galen's part was pleasing. Personally, I think you should have made more of an attempt to tie Athren's thoughts into Galen's previous ones. Like, leading off on hers. It would do much better in linking to the two characters which in turn provides prose with more fluidity as well developing a seemingly better connection between these two lovebirds. De plus, you arouse many questions with Athren's narration. He creates many references towards past events that leave us, as the readers, greatly confused. I know you informed us that this is merely an excerpt, but nevertheless, we must sort of know what is going on. You might want to rephrase or remove some. Even in an excerpt of a novella/novel, the reader isn't going to remember everything single thing. It definitely doesn't hurt to refresh their mind of past events especially since they seem so important if Athren appears to be mentioning a lot and repeatedly, too.

I also hated her.

This sentence of just four words brings up so many questions. Despite the fact there is a sentence immediately following that sort of elaborates upon this statement, its explanation hardly does this quote line justice. There is so much information encompassed in these four small words and it is also a great line to get started on some detailed explanations. Remember: as the audience, we don't know everything you know about this world and these characters. You gotta write as if we are stupid and you need to teach us about these people because they are very important. Don't be afraid to show. And, yeah, I know. The most cliched writing tip to offer. But it's something you need to remember while writing or else this all becomes a lot more expository.

Anyway.

If you have any questions or comments about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM!

Yours,
Lavvie