Young Writers Society

For as long as I can remember Sara worked at the music store on 5th street. I never really talked to her except to talk about the differences between guitar strings, but I remember one summer day was different…
It was the middle of summer I just could not wait to go down to the music store to talk to that cute casher Sara. I loved almost every thing about her; how her nose crinkled when she laughed or when she would sneeze she would flip her hair back to get it out of her face. How her blue eyes would sparkle when she was looking into your eyes, man did she have me whipped. When I finally got there I picked up a pack of random guitar strings and brought them up to her counter.
“Hey Zak nice seeing you today did you find every thing alright?” She asked. “Yeah I did Sara thanks for asking.” She smiled then reached her small hand out to grab the guitar strings, but I noticed a big violet colored welt on her arm. “Hey Sara what happened to your arm it’s bruised?” “I got into a fight with my dad last night and well it’s a long story.” She said shifting her eyes trying to hide the tears. “I have time Sara; I will always have time for you.” I said as I graded her face making damn sure she could see that I wasn’t lying. “Oh Zak,” she started to cry then. “Tom Im going to leave work early you ok managing the shop?” “Huh? Yeah im fine go” So Sara and I walked to town to the local coffee shop so we could sit and talk. “You won’t think im weird right?” She asked me staring deeply into my eyes. “Nothing you can do will ever be weird.” “I-I hear voices in my head, they tell me things like that man over there you see him right.” I shook my head yes and waited for her to go on. “He’s going to die in a car crash next week, its going to be so dark out that he can’t see the deer that’s going to run right out in front of him.” At first I didn’t believe her, but a week later what you know Mr. too-many-doughnuts gets killed in a car crash. “Sara I think you have a gift and so what if people think its weird forget them.” She started to laugh at that, I felt a sense of pride that I could make her smile. “My dad he gets mad when I talk about the voices so he hits me.” “Your dad sounds like an asshole.” “Yeah” “how about this if your dad ever hits you again just call me and I will pick you up and you can stay with me how about that?” I said as I took out a slip of paper and wrote my name and number on it. “I thought your name had a c in it?” “Nope it’s just Zak simple and clean I like to say.” She started to laugh at that too. “Well then here is my number, I really like talking to you Zak.” “I like talking to you Sara, hey wait doesn’t your name have an h in it?” “Nope just Sara simple and clean I like to say.” She said smiling at me. A few weeks passed by and so did about a hundred phone calls or more we started dating. That was the happiest time of my life those weeks we were dating. We would do what any normal couple would do back then go to parts, drink, hold hands, kiss… I remember our first kiss it was so magical. We were at Amy Addams birthday party; we were all watching “The Exorcist.” Holly crap was that movie scary well any how back to are first kiss, I waited and waited until the scariest part then I gently grabbed her face and placed my lips on hers. It was the best night of my life. A few weeks later it was Sara’s birthday and I wanted to do something extremely special so I got my guitar out and my Peavey amp out and started to write a song. “Sara I hope you like this song I wrote about us it’s called Zak and Sara.” “How original,” said Jane rolling her eyes, Sara’s sister. “Bitch” I said under my breath. “What did you say?” “Nothing, nothing at all.” So I sang the song to Sara and she clapped. Then right afterwards I did the best thing I have ever done in my life. “Sara will you marry me?” She passed out but when she woke up she said yes. So kids that’s how I met your mother Sara with no h.

I liked it. Nice touch at the end revealing that the whole story was a huge flashback. I did see a few things that worried me though. I got confused when Zak asked Sara if she could leave the store. When she asked the other store employee, I thought she was speaking with Zak. It might be a little better if you put a "Tom said:" or something among those lines. Another thing is that you ended it quite quickly jumping from the proposal right to where Zak says "So kids that’s how I met your mother Sara with no h." I think it might be better if there's a little more of a transition there. Above all I enjoyed this story very much. Keep writing!

-Chris

Hi there,
Overall, I liked it. It all came together in the end, and had a very real quality to it.
What I might suggest is lengthening it, and adding detail. The beginning is good... but it needs more to it! You really want to set an image in the reader's head. I got the sense that this was a little tell-y, and the dialogue section was a bit confusing as it was undivided.
a few minor tweaks and this could be amazing!
Thanks for the read, and happy writing
-Briggsy

This needs paragraphs. When a new person speaks, you create a new paragraph. Otherwise, it's a huge turn-off. If you do that and you'd like me to do a thorough review, I would love to, but right now it's down-near impossible.