Young Writers Society

Hey, guys. Here's a short story... Apparently, writers block is gone, I've been writing a lot lately. xD I know the start is a bit cliché... xD Anyways, I wish you guys could help me with my grammar... so tear it apart. P.S. The story's narrator is a boy. xD

I looked at the dark sky as I lay down on the roof of my house and thought of her. I still do that... and that's because stars remind me of those eyes of hers, like blessed crystal raindrops, like all those tears I've cried for her. But even when God gave her the most beautiful eyes I've seen, Lynnda was blind.

Reminiscing good old times as I gaze at the moon, that reminds me of that heart of hers: immense, sincere, and sometimes so innocent. I wonder how it never runs out of love for everyone, that's what makes her who she is. But even when I could see what her heart carried as she talked, it was unreachable for me as a lover, like the moon. I laugh ironically as I say that Lynnda was beautiful, inside and outside.

I remember those lips, that repeated words of wisdom; Words that saved me and taught me lots of things, when I was hoping to be deaf, when I was shifting to the wrong road. Oh, Lynnda, always wearing her Bible as a bracelet.

Most likely, you must be thinking I'm cheesy, saying to yourself, "Hey, Lynnda was almost perfect!", or "The dude is so hooked, he looks at her with the eyes from his soul!" No matter what you're thinking, both of them are probably right.

Once, I challenged myself to forget about her. But my plans would always turn around and work the other way; I would love her more and more, it was impossible. Because Lynnda was like an angel on Earth...but then again, she was blind.

I waited for her, because I knew that it was not the right time; I was hoping her relationship with the other guy to be over soon. It was worthless to hope so. I guess all the waiting was in vain.

It's been seven years, she's getting married any minute now. And as I put on my tie, looking at the mirror, getting ready for the special occasion, I wonder if Lynnda had to be blind all this time. Perhaps I could've helped her by just telling her what I feel, she never noticed I was deeply in love with her. But I guess it's too late now, eh?

I've been through a lot all these years, my mind and my heart are in a constant fight, and I can't seem to help it. I never thought the worst day of my life would be one of the best days in hers. Should I pretend this is not a living nightmare and congratulate them as I die a little inside? Or should I interrupt the ceremony and drag them both into this misery with me? It really hurts watching as your high school crush and your best friend fall in love.

You want grammar help? Heeeere I come!

I looked at the dark sky as I lay down on the roof of my house, and thought of her.

Misuse of a comma. The kind of comma you're thinking of is the one you use to separate two complete sentences joined by a conjunction. For example:
1. "I looked at the dark sky, and I thought of her."
2. "I looked at the dark sky and thought of her."
Both of the above are grammatically correct. See the difference? (1) is two complete sentences and (2) is just a phrase on the other side of the "and". Let me know if you have any questions on that.

those eyes of her,

"eyes of hers."

Reminiscing good old times as I gaze at the moon, that reminds me of her too.

It's unclear what "that" is referring to. Do you mean "that" as in "reminiscing good old times"? That's kind of a moot statement, then, as in "Remember the times we spend reminds me of her." Or is it the moon you mean?

That heart of hers; immense, sincere, and sometimes so innocent.

You got the wrong kind of colon here. You want the regular kind of colon : that prepares the reader for a list, and not the semicolon.

I remember those lips, that repeated words of wisdom; Words that saved me and taught me lots of things, when I was hoping to be deaf, when I was shifting to the wrong road.

This is a very weird, overly long sentence. First of all:
I remember those lips, that repeated words of wisdom;. Words that saved me and taught me lots of things, when I was hoping to be deaf, when I was shifting to the wrong road. <--this second part is an incomplete sentence. Nothing wrong with incomplete sentences themselves, but a phrase like this isn't suited for that.
And is "shifting to the wrong road" a saying? It just sounds strange to me.

But my plans would always turn around and work the other way; I would love her more and more, it was impossible.

Nice use of a semicolon here.

I waited for her, because I knew that it was not the right time; I was hoping her relationship with the other dude would be over soon. It was worthless to hope so. I guess all the waiting was in vain.

Then, all of a sudden here, you stopped using the "she was blind" format. Doing so makes all your previous format seem lost and weird.
Also, your use of "the other dude" is pretty strange, too. Too colloquial. I let the other "dude" go because it was part of speech, but now it's part of narration, and doesn't fit. Also, is that "other dude" the narrator's brother? In that case, you went a little out of your way to hide that fact and made a sacrifice in realism for the sake of your twist. You don't really call your brother "the other dude."

Perhaps I could've help her

"helped her"

I never thought the worse day of my life would be one of the best days in hers.

I like that line.

All in all, a nice little monologue. The emotions are there, the bitterness, the sarcasm, the despair. The tone is a little weird, and the phrasing, too (all the mentions of the "she was blind", then you dropped it for the last three paragraphs). Unless you were going for a more poetic feel, I think you should drop the "she was blind" from the end of all the other paragraphs. As it stands now, it doesn't add much to the story, but it's redundant enough that it takes away from your feeling because the lack of realism takes the reader out of the experience.

It's very annoying that you repeat over and over that she was blind. If this was a poem, then sure, go ahead and repeat it but this a story. You've told the reader that yes, she was blind, but I'm kind of confused. Is this talking about a guy who fell in love with a girl that his brother also loved? Please rewrite this into a poem or fix it. Keep trying!

Hey there XD

I have to agree with halo... I don't really understand why you repeated "she was blind" so many times... I don't think it gave the desired effect.

Actually, I don't know if I understand her "blindness" at all... is it supposed to be symbolic? I mean, you said that her eyes couldn't see in the first paragraph, but since this is his highschool crush and not an ex-girlfriend or something, I assume that she was also "blind" to his affection for her, yes? So... I guess it's like a double meaning or whatever, which is cool XD but my question is, when you say "The problem was, she was blind" which meaning are you reffering to?

I trust sargsauce caught most of the gramatical errors, however, I did notice one thing:

your High School crush

"High School" shouldn't be capatalized... I think...

I liked this... even though it was a tad confusing... hope my review helped XD

--
Tabby

heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy SOLLYPLUSHIEEEEEE XD
I feel very sorry for you right now because I am totally hyper and decided to review your write!!! *jumps up and down* mwuahahah I promise not to get all evil though XD *smiles innocently* and I won't cheat either by putting a lot of nonsense in here XD I promise!! I'll try not to break that promise XD
yuss so to get to this story *nods*: I like it XD It is a really sweet but yet very sad write! I don't really get though if she is blind for real or if she is blind for his love (but perhaps that's just the coffee ruining my brains XD)
A few little things..actually just one thingy XD :

Should I pretend this is not a living nightmare and congratulate them as I die a little inside? Or, should I interrupt the ceremony and drag them both into this misery with me? It really hurts watching as your High School crush and your big brother fall in love.

the person before me already took care of the rest as far as I can see
NIce work sollyplush!!
-qaralynn-

Many thanks, guys. Your reviews are very appreciated.

Way to add a twist at the end of the story!! That was good although the first few paragraphs reminded me of a poem because you put "she was blind" or something to that extent at the end but I ended up liking it. Also was it suppose to be commical because it was kinda funny in it's own way. Either way really good and that would make a really good prologue to a book.

Hey there! I would like to say I enjoyed this story very much. I like how each paragraph displays a different thought, like a little piece of his memory each time. Great job with that! Unlike some other people who commented before me, I rather like you repeating 'she was blind'. But I think it might have been a little over done. Maybe you could pick about half of the paragraphs and end them with that sentence. If you make it more spiratic it'll work better because then it seems like just an after thought. Great story, keep writing!

Hello there, Sol. Wow, you're on a writing spree! XD

Nitpicks:

But even when God gave her the most beautiful eyes I've seen, Lynnda was blind.

- Nice introduction of the girl's 'dilemma'.

But sadly, she was blind.

- The repetitions are rather annoying. o.o After I finished reading the story, I just realized that you emphasized her 'blindness' through repetition because you were gonna reveal what her 'blindness' was about in the last parts, (am I correct?) but the way you did it didn't work out smoothly. I suggest rewriting the repetitions or just find another way to make this emphasis.

Once I challenged myself to forget about her.

- I think there should be a comma after 'Once'.

Because Lynnda is like an angel on Earth...but then again,

- There's a tense change here. Anyway, why didn't you put a space after the ellipsis this time?

I wonder if Lynnda had to be blind all this time.

- D: *ehem* The disclosure of the true meaning of her 'blindness' was nicely done.

I never thought the worse day of my life...

- Correction: 'worst'

Or, should I interrupt the ceremony...

- You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction.

It really hurts watching as your high school crush and your big brother fall in love.

- o.o


This story is nice, the twist especially. It's so sad that he wasn't able to fight for his love. >.< But the details outside his point of view are somewhat vague, like character description (except the eyes xD) and setting. I hope you could make this story bigger, not necessarily longer, but make it 'big' enough to make an impact on me and the other readers as well.

Anyway, I didn't notice any grammar mistakes.

Never stop writing!

<3

Oh my goodness! This is amazing! I love this! I think you could make this a novel probably, please do!

Hahah! Thanks, Krissy! <3

This was really... really... really good. I only have one complaint, and that is of 'the other dude'. I think that other terminology would convey the feelings that the narrator has for the situation. But really, this is so amazingly good- and hardly cliche.

I love it! I just love it!

Though you do repeat the words "She was blind" just a teensy bit too much, but other than that a fnatstic story with an amazing yet sad yet epic at the same time ending! great job it was fantastic!

congratulaions on getting rid of your writers block, that thing can be a pain xD

~~Destiny110

I'm not the best at grammar but I'll try.

I looked at the dark sky as I layshouldn't this be past tense? or you can make, thought "think"down on the roof of my house and thought of her. I still do that... and that's because stars remind me of those eyes of hers, like blessed crystal raindrops, like all those tears I've cried for her. But even when God gave her the most beautiful eyes I've I feel like there should be an "ever" here but, it could be over kill.seen, Lynnda was blind.

Reminiscingthe good old times as I gaze at the moon, thatchange "that" to "it" reminds me of that heart of hers: immense, sincere, and sometimes so innocent. I wonder how it never runs out of love for everyone, that's what makes her who she is. But even when I could see what her heart carried as she talked, it was unreachable for me as a lover, like the moon. I laugh ironically as I say that Lynnda was beautiful, inside and outside. I might just be dense (which is probably true) but this line confuses me.

I remember those lips, that repeated words of wisdom; Words that saved me and taught me lots of things, when I was hoping to be deaf, when I was shifting to the wrong road. Oh, Lynnda, always wearing her Bible as a bracelet.

Most likely, you must be thinking I'm cheesy, saying to yourself, "Hey, Lynnda was almost perfect!", or "The dude is so hooked, he looks at her with the eyes from his soul!" No matter what you're thinking, both of them are probably right.

Once, I challenged myself to forget about her. But my plans would always turn around and work the other way; I would love her more and more, it was impossible. Because Lynnda was like an angel on Earth...but then again, she was blind.

I waited for her, because I knew that it was not the right time; I was hoping her relationship with the other dude"guy"? inserted here? would be over soon. It was worthless to hope so. I guess all the waiting was in vain.

It's been seven years, she's getting married any minute now. And as I put on my tie, looking at the mirror, getting ready for the special occasion, I wonder if Lynnda had to be blindI feel there should be quotation markds around blind; "blind" all this time. Perhaps I could've helped her by just telling her what I feel, she never noticed I was deeply in love with her. But I guess it's too late now, eh?

I've been through a lot all these years, my mind and my heart are in a constant fight, and I can't seem to help it. I never thought the worst day of my life would be one of the best days in hers. Should I pretend this is not a living nightmare and congratulate them as I die a little inside? Or should I interrupt the ceremony and drag them both into this misery with me? It really hurts watching as your high school crush and your big brother fall in love.

This is really beautiful. The first part is not cheesy at all(maybe for a guy but you know, it's beautiful and I love it!) I love how as you're reading you're always subtly learning more and more the guy and Lynnda and then the big suprise that she's getting married and to his brother no less!! 'Tis amazing.