Young Writers Society

Hey guys! I haven't posted something in a long time! Anyways, I got a apt of inspiration today and Jist had to write it down. This is my first short story. It's probably really short and sketchy, and probably not too good, but hey I like it. Anyways, enjoy and rip it apart!

-Pshhxhoney


There he stands, smiling at me, but I don't want to smile back. I still manage to smile genuinely at him though. I make another sarcastic remark and he laughs, his brown eyes shining. Oh, how I loved- use to love- those eyes. They were big and long lashed and everytime I looked into them I would drown in the browness of them. How many times had he looked at me with love in his eyes, meanwhile it was a lie? I couldn't guess because I didn't know when he started to fall for her. 

"So, how's you're brother?" He asks me. All I do is stare at him blankly because I can't manage anything else. No one has asked me about my brother. 

"He...he died...a month ago." I managed out. I felt the burning sensation in my nose, letting me know I was on the verge of tears.
His face turned weary. 

"I'm sorry...I- I didn't mean to-" 

"It's okay, you didn't know." I couldn't look at him. I couldn't face him. I didn't want to see his eyes show sympathy towards me, it would give me hope. 

"Lilah? Look at me please?" I saw him shift his weight. He always moved around when he felt uncomfortable. I felt a ping of pain. How could he feel uncomfortable around me? We had seen each other at our worst. 
He lifts his hand up to my chin and lifts my eyes to his. All I see is compassion and sympathy. No, I thought, No please don't do this to me. 

"If you ever need me, I'm hear for you. You know that right?" He asked. Of course I knew that, how could I not? I didn't want to go to him for anything though. I would get my hopes up, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he may love me again.  

"No, stop. Please don't do this, Aaron. We have to let each other go." I answered. My hands were shaking. His hand dropped to his side, while backing away from me.

"Gosh! Why do you do this to me?! You act like we are fine all the time and now you don't want me to be in your life? Why can't you accept that I actually do care for you, no matter what?" Aaron ruffled his light brown locks. 

"It hurts too much. I can't be in your life while you're with her and I know you guys are going to be together forever, or at least a long time. I see the way you look at each other, love just flowing between you guys. I want you guys to be happy, I really do, but I can't handle this anymore because behind my smiles I'm dying inside. It hurts too much to see you love someone other than me." My whole body was shaking now. 

"I'm sorry, Lilah, I'm so, so sorry. I love her though, very much." He answered, coming towards me. He tries to put his arms around me, but I back away. I shake my head back and forth. 

I force a smile as I say, " Do me a favor? Just treat each other well. You both deserve the best." 

"Hey, guys. What are you doing?" I turn around, keeping my smile plastered, because I know who it is, it's my best friend, Elizabeth. She looks beautiful as always. Her blond hair flowing behind her, her blue eyes shining as she gets closer to Aaron. 

"Nothing, just talking about the after parties were going to now that graduation is finally over." I reply. She smiles at me. All I see is a friendly love towards me. I've been her best friend since first grade, when I kicked a bully in the shin. We are complete opposites. She is graceful and gentle and I am fierce and straight forward. 
Elizabeth finally reaches Aaron and they embrace, an invisible force field of love surrounding them. I can't help but stare and become jealous. 

"I need to go. Got to go get ready for the parties." I try to sound as joyful as possible. They both look at me. I walk over and give them hugs and hold on tight because I know this is the last time I'll ever see them. 
I won't be going to any parties and I was going to a different college than them. This truly was the last time I'd see them.

"Yeah, we should probably get going too." Aaron replies. Elizabeth gives me one last hug. They start walking down the hallway towards one of the exits. They're holding hands, and as they're walking I can't help but see the diamond ring glinting off of the lights on Elizabeth's left hand. 
I feel a tear stream down my face and feel my heart break into a million tiny pieces.

Hey,

Meh. I'm not sure whether I liked this. It's extremely cliche, the girl falling in love with her best friend's boyfriend, asking him to leave her alone, let her get over him. It's been done too many times, even by me! The writing is excellent, but the story holds no originality other than maybe the marriage thing. The thing is, I've read so many stories where this has happened, but I've never seen it happen to anyone I know.

I know this reeeally isn't what you want to hear, but I say either turn this entire thing around and switch it up to make it original, or ditch the entire thing and think of what you really see in relationships and write that. I wrote a story almost identical of yours and realized that while it's cute and melodramatic and oh so very sad, people get tired of reading the same things over and over. Maybe write this in Elizabeth's POV or Aarons? I'd really like that, too see your MC in someone else's eyes. If you do that, you can keep this bit and maybe add another short story of roughly the same size in each of the others POVs. That's really original and it would give you something that could be read alone or all together.

I'm sorry if I sounded rude, I think your writing is brilliant, it's the plot that needs help.

Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions or you want another review.

~Jas

Thanks so much! I was acutally thinking of spinets short story in another of the characters eyes! You didn't sound rude at all. Thank you so much for the advice, I need it:)

-Pshhxhoney

Ugh, I feel bad though. I'm going to go read something else of yours and hopefully give you a nice review. Is there anything in particular you'd like me to read?

pshhxhoney wrote:They were big and long lashed and everytime I looked into them I would drown in the browness of them.

The word 'browness' in this lines sounds really awkward and out of place. Can I suggest you replace it with something else? Something like 'gentleness' perhaps.

pshhxhoney wrote:"If you ever need me, I'm hear for you. You know that right?"

I think you mean 'here' instead of 'hear'.

Now that the nitpicks are over with, first of all, I have to say that I agree with Jasminebells, the plot is extremely overused. That said, using a cliched plot is perfectly fine, as long as you add new things to it, make it new, make it interesting. How many love stories have you heard? They always turn out the same, main characters fall in love and live happily ever after. And yet, in each of those stories, they've got their own style and flare and twists that makes them different, interesting and new.

So what you have to do now is add a little of your style in there. Put imageries, metaphors and etc. in there. Make it interesting. Make it unique. Make it your own.

Also, I think this story is lacking in emtion a bit, at the moment, I'm not realy feeling anything the character's feeling. Make us feel what the character is feeling, drag us into the story. That will definitely live it up a little.

Overall, it's good, but could it use some spicing up to make it 'excellent'.