Young Writers Society

Makino318 wrote:So, this is how it ends I suggest putting this thought in italics or quotation marks., I thought feeling his hands wrap around my throat with more strength. I did not try to gasp for air knowing doing so was pointless to the fact of preventing the inevitable. I knew my end would come, I always dreamed of it(she dreams about dying? Okay... creepy... then again, who am I to call something creepy?, but never did I think it would be at the hands of him—Tristen -my love, my rock, my life, now my death.
“Do you really wish for me to kill you?” Tristen asked his face only an inch from my own, his breathe caressing my soon to be cold deceased face. “Do you think I want this to happen?”
“Then what do you want?” I croaked, letting the air finally in, as he loosened his grip. I dare not move as his aqua blue eyes search me, trying to find any sign of what to do now.
“Tris...”[color=#FF0000] I was stop[color=#FF0000]ped as his lips presses against mine, a kiss that melts away the certain doubts, and made the wall of hatred crumble to our feet[/color][/color].This whole part needs redoing. First of all, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Is this story in past or present tense? You keep alternating between the two, which makes the story difficult to understand. Every single nerve in my body ignites to flames. I felt the sadness and guiltiness melt from his mind, heart, and soul.Why is he sad? He was trying to kill the character just moments before! He pulled away gasping for breath. I feared my body would soon grow cold without his touch, if it weren’t for his hands pulling me towards him again.
“This is what I want, Julia.” He says smiling, “I never wanted you dead.”
As much as it pains me, I pulled away, backing away from his warmth. “If you did not want me dead, why have you been chasing me?” I exclaim. “Why have you vowed to take me life, when I…” I stopped not wanting to continue knowing it would only ruin the moment.
“Yes when you killed…”
“Don’t say it!” I cried, fighting the memories as they try to resurface themselves. I wanted them to drown, but they came rushing back like a hurricane rushing to the shore. Before I could even move, they had engulfed me with the memory of that day, pulling me into the past that I wish to forget.

“Don’t do this Julia!” she cried, pulling me away from her husband. I let her drag me away from him, only to shot her in the chest no further from the heart. I watched as she slides to the ground providing a loud bump, as the color drain from her face, her eyes lifeless.
“Why would you do this to us?” the husband screams, trying desperately to reach his wife. I turn sharply on my heels, only to see his aqua blue eyes piercing me. His eyes they were TristenSo TRISTEN is the husband here?. I looked back and forth between the wife and husband then it click. I killed the wrong people I was deceived by Robert clip, which was implanted inside me, making me think they—Tristan’s parents was -were the next target. The clip that was given to each assassin—The Reaper Organization, a group of assassins that kill those with dark matter that runs through their veins we call them—The Shadow Peoplefix it!I moved without thinking, without any permission of my own brain, as I lift the gun to his face between his eyes. I hesitate trying to stop myself, as tears run down my cheeks.
He whimpered, “Please don’t.”
I sense his presence before he was even down the hall; I did not want this, I thought furious. I do not want him to see me like this, but it was too late. As he walks into the room seeing his mother’s lifeless body on the floor before him, the blood that leak from her wound and seeing the scene that was soon to end. I felt his eyes on me, heard his screams as he beg for me to stop, demanding to know who I was.
“Please don’t do this.” He said his voice filled with denial
But both he and I knew that was futile, for the rule and programming that was in the clip says: ‘When on mission your killing instinct will not stop until the target or targets are eliminated.’
Those words echoed inside my head as I pull the trigger, Tristen lounged for me, pushing us both to the ground.
“Why did you…Julia?” he asked, his eyes filled with disbelief, his body tense with anger and shock. I took advantage of his stunned state and pushed him off me, running towards the window I came in, hopping to leave quickly. Sadly, no sooner than I could leave and disappear into the calming darkness of the night, I heard his voice. As he cried out, “I will make you pay for this, your life is mine. I will never forgive you for this. JULIA!”
Returning to the present I saw Tristen looked at me as if he just relieved it as well. I knew then that I screwed up big time, my chances of us being together again was gone. Therefore, I did the only thing I could do. I took a couple steps back as I drew my gun, the gun I murdered Tristen parents with, as I lifted it to my chest where I killed Mrs. Adams. Tristen finally caught on to what was happen, his body tense. I knew he what he would do before he did it, as he figured a way to run towards me, knocking the gun out of me hand.
“Don’t even think about it, Tristen.” I say calmly, but my heart was beating fast. “This is how this should be, I deserve death.”
“No you can’t, didn’t we just talked about this.” He cried, stepping closer to me.
“Make one more move and I will kill myself.” I threaten. He stopped knowing I would do it, but he kept walking anyway. I falter; completely mystified at his determination and that was all he need to rush towards me. Except my wits were with me, as I pulled the trigger, displease with not hitting the mark. Tristen realize it to as he caught me and I felt a warm sensation over my wound. He was healing me! “Stop it!” I gasped.
“No you will not die.” He snaps. “You hear me you will not die on me. I don’t need…I don’t need anyone else that I hold dear to die not while I can help it.”
Then I blacked out, only to wake up later with agonizing pain in my chest.
“Sleeping Beauty has awakened at last.”
I looked at Tristen his face lit with relief, as he walked to my side. “I don’t know.” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I don’t think I can fully awaken unless my prince gives me a kiss.”
“Yes, but you must know my kiss is deadly.” He smiles leaning forward.
“And so is my love.” I smile back, welcoming his warmth and love that may one day kill me. Even if it does come to death, our love will still be burning even in the afterlife.

The Deadly End!

So, this is how it ends, I thought(comma) feeling his hands wrap around my throat with more strength. I did not try to gasp for air(comma) knowing that doing so was pointless and wouldn't prevent the inevitable. I knew my end would come, I always dreamed of it, but never did I think it would be at the hands of him—Tristen(semicolon) my love, my rock, my life, and now my death.

“Do you really wish for me to kill you?” Tristen asked(comma) his face only an inch from my own, his breath caressing my soon to be cold(comma) deceased(comma) face. “Do you think I want this to happen?”

“Then what do you want?” I croaked, letting the air finally in, as he loosens his grip. I dared not move as his aqua blue eyes searched me, trying to find any sign of what to do now.

“Tris...” I was stop as his lips pressed against mine, a kiss that melted away the certain doubts, and made the wall of hatred crumble to our feet. Every single nerve in my body ignited to flames. I felt the sadness and guilt melt from his mind, heart, and soul. He pulled away(comma) gasping for breath. I feared my body would soon grow cold without his touch, if it weren’t for his hands pulling me towards him again.

“This is what I want, Julia.” He says smiling, “I never wanted you dead.”

As much as it pained me, I pulled away, backing away from his warmth. “If you did not want me dead, why have you been chasing me?” I exclaimed. “Why have you vowed to take me life, when I…” I stopped not wanting to continue knowing it would only ruin the moment.

“Yes when you killed…”

“Don’t say it!” I cried, fighting the memories as they try to resurface themselves. I wanted them to drown, but they came rushing back like a hurricane (I think Tsunami would be a better fit there) rushing to the shore. Before I could even move, they had engulfed me with the memory of that day, pulling me into the past that I wished to forget.

“Don’t do this Julia!” she cried, pulling me away from her husband. I let her drag me away from him, only to shot her in the chest no further from the heart. I watched as she slid to the ground providing a loud bump, as the color drained from her face, her eyes lifeless.

“Why would you do this to us?” the husband screamed, trying desperately to reach his wife. I turned sharply on my heels, only to see his aqua blue eyes piercing me. His eyes(comma) they were like Tristen's. I looked back and forth between the wife and husband and then it clicked. I killed the wrong people(period) I was deceived by Robert clip (... Is the clip's name Robert? If so... why is the clip named? And shouldn't that be "chip" instead?), which was implanted inside me, making me think they—Tristan’s parents—were the next targets. The clip that was given to each assassin—The Reaper Organization, a group of assassins that kill those with dark matter that runs through their veins (the "we call them" isn't necessary if you're using a — mark. Since you're already talking about the people, then you don't have to actually say "we call them" since people would already know who you were talking about)—The Shadow People(period)

I moved without thinking, without any permission of my own brain, as I lifted the gun to his face between his eyes. I hesitate trying to stop myself, as tears ran down my cheeks.

He whimpered, “Please don’t.”

I sense his presence before he was even down the hall; I did not want this, I thought furiously. I do not want him to see me like this, but it was too late. As he walked into the room seeing his mother’s lifeless body on the floor before him, the blood that leaked from her wound and seeing the scene that was soon to end. I felt his eyes on me, heard his screams as he beg for me to stop, demanding to know who I was.

“Please don’t do this.” He said his voice filled with denial

But both he and I knew that was futile, for the rule and programming that was in the clip says: ‘When on mission your killing instinct will not stop until the target or targets are eliminated.’

Those words echoed inside my head as I pull the trigger, Tristen lunged for me, pushing us both to the ground.

“Why did you…Julia?” he asked, his eyes filled with disbelief, his body tense with anger and shock. I took advantage of his stunned state and pushed him off me, running towards the window I came in, hopping to leave quickly. Sadly, no sooner than I could leave and disappear into the calming darkness of the night, I heard his voice. As he cried out, “I will make you pay for this, your life is mine. I will never forgive you for this. JULIA!”

Returning to the present I saw Tristen looked at me as if he just relived it as well. I knew then that I screwed up big time, my chances of us being together again were gone. Therefore, I did the only thing I could do. I took a couple steps back as I drew my gun, the gun I murdered Tristen's parents with, and I lifted it to my chest where I killed Mrs. Adams. Tristen finally caught on to what was happen, his body tense. I knew he what he would do before he did it, as he figured a way to run towards me, knocking the gun out of me hand.

“Don’t even think about it, Tristen.” I said calmly, but my heart was beating fast. “This is how this should be, I deserve death.”

“No you can’t, didn’t we just talked about this.” He cried, stepping closer to me.

“Make one more move and I will kill myself.” I threatened. He stopped(comma) knowing I would do it, but he kept walking anyway. I faltered; completely mystified at his determination and that was all he need to rush towards me. Except my wits were with me, as I pulled the trigger, displease at myself for not hitting the mark. Tristen realize it, too, as he caught me and I felt a warm sensation over my wound. He was healing me! (I don't get it?) “Stop it!” I gasped.

“No you will not die.” He snapped. “You hear me (question mark) you will not die on me. I don’t need…I don’t need anyone else that I hold dear to die (exclamation point) Not while I can help it.”

Then I blacked out, only to wake up later with agonizing pain in my chest.

“Sleeping Beauty has awakened at last.”

I looked at Tristen his face lit with relief, as he walked to my side. “I don’t know.” I whispered), closing my eyes. “I don’t think I can fully awaken unless my prince gives me a kiss.”

“Yes, but you must know my kiss is deadly.” He smiled, leaning forward.

“And so is my love.” I smiled back, welcoming his warmth and love that may one day kill me. Even if it does come to death, our love will still be burning even in the afterlife.

So, this is how it ends, I thought feeling his hands wrap around my throat with more strength. I did not try to gasp for air knowing doing so was pointless to the fact of preventing the inevitable. (This sentence sounds a bit odd. You might try re-wording it. Something like, "I did not try to gasp for air knowing that to do so was pointless and would only put off the inevitable." )I knew my end would come, I always dreamed of it, but never did I think it would be at the hands of him—Tristen my love, my rock, my life, now my death.

“Do you really wish for me to kill you?” Tristen asked his face only an inch from my own, his breathe caressing my soon to be cold deceased face. “Do you think I want this to happen?”

“Then what do you want?” I croaked, letting the air finally in, as he loosens his grip. I dare not move as his aqua blue eyes search me, trying to find any sign of what to do now.

“Tris...” I was stop as his lips presses against mine, a kiss that melts away the certain doubts, and made the wall of hatred crumble to our feet. Every single nerve in my body ignites to flames. I felt the sadness and guiltiness melt from his mind, heart, and soul. He pulled away gasping for breath. I feared my body would soon grow cold without his touch, if it weren’t for his hands pulling me towards him again. (This paragraph has some wording issues. Your tenses seem to be a little askew.
*I stop as his lips press against mine, in a kiss that melts away the certain doubts, and makes the wall of hatred crumble to our feet. Every single nerve in my body ignites into flames. I feel the sadness and guilt melt from his mind, heart, and soul. He pulled away gasping for breath. I feared my body would soon grow cold without his touch, if it weren’t for his hands pulling me towards him again.*It works much better if you pick either first person or third person tense. Jumping back and forth is grammatically wrong.)

“This is what I want, Julia.” He says smiling, “I never wanted you dead.”

As much as it pains me, I pulled (Again, watch your tenses. In this case you need to pick present or past.) away, backing away from his warmth. “If you did not want me dead, why have you been chasing me?” I exclaim. “Why have you vowed to take me life, when I…” I stopped not wanting to continue knowing it would only ruin the moment. *As much as it pains me, I pull away, back away from his warmth.*

“Yes when you killed…”

“Don’t say it!” I cried, fighting the memories as they try to resurface themselves. I wanted them to drown, but they came rushing back like a hurricane rushing to the shore. Before I could even move, they had engulfed me with the memory of that day, pulling me into the past that I wish to forget. (Past or present tense? I won’t keep addressing this. I am sure, now that you know, you can spot the difference. )

“Don’t do this Julia!” she cried, pulling me away from her husband. I let her drag me away from him, only to shot her in the chest no further from the heart. I watched as she slides to the ground providing a loud bump, as the color drain from her face, her eyes lifeless.

“Why would you do this to us?” the husband screams, trying desperately to reach his wife. I turn sharply on my heels, only to see his aqua blue eyes piercing me. His eyes they were Tristen. I looked back and forth between the wife and husband then it click. I killed the wrong people I was deceived by Robert clip, which was implanted inside me, making me think they—Tristan’s parents was the next target. The clip that was given to each assassin—The Reaper Organization, a group of assassins that kill those with dark matter that runs through their veins we call them—The Shadow People. (Alright, this paragraph is rather shocking. It gives the reader allot of information in very little time making it hard to grasp. I had to read it three times and I still do not quite understand what is going on. Who/what is Robert clip? )

I moved without thinking, without any permission of my own brain, as I lift the gun to his face between his eyes. I hesitate trying to stop myself, as tears run down my cheeks.

He whimpered, “Please don’t.”

I sense his presence before he was even down the hall; I did not want this, I thought furious. I do not want him to see me like this, but it was too late. As he walks into the room seeing his mother’s lifeless body on the floor before him, the blood that leak from her wound and seeing the scene that was soon to end. I felt his eyes on me, heard his screams as he beg for me to stop, demanding to know who I was.

“Please don’t do this.” He said his voice filled with denial

But both he and I knew that was futile, for the rule and programming that was in the clip says: ‘When on mission your killing instinct will not stop until the target or targets are eliminated.’

Those words echoed inside my head as I pull the trigger, Tristen lounged for me, pushing us both to the ground.

“Why did you…Julia?” he asked, his eyes filled with disbelief, his body tense with anger and shock. I took advantage of his stunned state and pushed him off me, running towards the window I came in, hopping to leave quickly. Sadly, no sooner than I could leave and disappear into the calming darkness of the night, I heard his voice. As he cried out, “I will make you pay for this, your life is mine. I will never forgive you for this. JULIA!”

Returning to the present I saw Tristen looked at me as if he just relieved it as well. I knew then that I screwed up big time, my chances of us being together again was gone. Therefore, I did the only thing I could do. I took a couple steps back as I drew my gun, the gun I murdered Tristen parents with, as I lifted it to my chest where I killed Mrs. Adams. Tristen finally caught on to what was happen, his body tense. I knew he what he would do before he did it, as he figured a way to run towards me, knocking the gun out of me hand.

“Don’t even think about it, Tristen.” I say calmly, but my heart was beating fast. “This is how this should be, I deserve death.”

“No you can’t, didn’t we just talked about this.” He cried, stepping closer to me.

“Make one more move and I will kill myself.” I threaten. He stopped knowing I would do it, but he kept walking anyway. I falter; completely mystified at his determination and that was all he need to rush towards me. Except my wits were with me, as I pulled the trigger, displease with not hitting the mark. Tristen realize it to as he caught me and I felt a warm sensation over my wound. He was healing me! “Stop it!” I gasped. (He is a healer? Interesting twist.)

“No you will not die.” He snaps. “You hear me you will not die on me. I don’t need…I don’t need anyone else that I hold dear to die not while I can help it.”

Then I blacked out, only to wake up later with agonizing pain in my chest.

“Sleeping Beauty has awakened at last.”

I looked at Tristen his face lit with relief, as he walked to my side. “I don’t know.” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I don’t think I can fully awaken unless my prince gives me a kiss.”

“Yes, but you must know my kiss is deadly.” He smiles leaning forward.

“And so is my love.” I smile back, welcoming his warmth and love that may one day kill me. Even if it does come to death, our love will still be burning even in the afterlife.

The Deadly End! (Nice ending!)

I was stoppped as his lips

Histhose eyes theywere so like Tristen's.

Robert clip,

“Do you really wish for me to kill you?” Tristen asked his face only an inch from my own, his breathe caressing my soon to be cold deceased face.

]“Tris...” I was stopped as his lips presses against mine, a kiss that melts away the certain doubts, and made the wall of hatred crumble to our feet.

I let her drag me away from him, only to shoot her in the chest no further from the heart.

I looked back and forth between the wife and husband then it clicked.

I sensed his presence before he was even down the hall; I did not want this, I thought furious. I do not want him to see me like this, but it was too late.

I took advantage of his stunned state and pushed him off me, running towards the window I came in, hopping to leave quickly. Sadly, no sooner thaen I could leave and disappear into the calming darkness of the night, I heard his voice.

I took a couple steps back as I drew my gun, the gun I murdered Tristen parents with, as I lifted it to my chest where I killed Mrs. Adams. Tristen finally caught on to what was happen, his body tense. I knew he what he would do before he did it, as he figured a way to run towards me, knocking the gun out of me hand. Fix this paragraph. I dont quite understand the tenses here.