Young Writers Society

He held her in his arms; nothing could separate them, not even this. He handed her his silver ring, the lilac colored gem seemed to glow in the fading sunlight. She shook her head she would not take it, she could not.

“Take it, if Karawan gets his hands on it the world would be worse off.” He pushed it into her hands, she looked at it tears slid down her face in a steady stream.

He kissed her lightly on the cheek; a little girl ran up to him holding onto his leg, he picked her up tapping her nose, “You take care of mommy okay?” The girl wrapped her arms around her father’s neck squeezing tightly.

She smiled, “When will you be back?” Her little voice inquired, he looked into her soft blue eyes. He was holding back tears; he would never see his little girl again but she could not know that.

“We will see each other again.” He placed her on the ground; looking back to his wife he embraced her holding her for just a few more moments.

He helped them onto their horse, he watched them leave just before Karawan’s men surrounded him, one stood out among them he was not wearing the uniform that Karawan’s men wear proudly wearing, instead he was dressed in full black his eyes seemed to glow.

His best friend, they had been through so much together, and now it would all end. He would never see his wife again and he would never get to watch his little girl grow up no this was only the beginning to his end…

Umm, okay. Well, this was different, but it was actually kind of confusing. It didn't seem like there was much of a plot. I didn't really understand what it was about, except that he was going to die somehow. Maybe if you elaborated on this a bit more, it might be better.

Nice try though.

Um....its kinda just something that I wrote in 5 minutes it was based off of a novel I am writing...I just needed to get it out of my system. If you read Vrasess long enough...you will get it...

The only thing I didn't quite like was the fact that this seemed so sudden and irrelevant to me when I first jumped into it. But as you said, it was based off a novel, so maybe there was just a little something missing to my knowledge for me to fully enjoy it. Although, I'm sure you could have chosen to further elaborate on things a little bit more.

For example, why was he being taken away or leaving? I didn't quite understand that whole part. I think you could have done a little more with this than what you have here. Not just in understanding for your readers, but the generalization of the situation could use some clearing up.

I also think that emotion wise, I could sort of feel it, but it wasn't completely there for me. I assume the emotion was one of the main things you intended to make strong in this piece.

I would consider delving deeper into the story yourself. Try and feel more for your characters. I think if you made this whole short story more of a dramatic scene, things would be a lot better. It doesn't necessarily have to be overdone for the emotion to be good. Either it's just there or it isn't. Words can be words, but I suppose you really have to find a way to maneuver around them to make them uselful to the emotion you're trying to portray.

Anyway, overall, I do think this was a nice piece of writing, but I'd like to feel the upmost encouraging in saying it could probably be even better should you come back to work a bit more on it.

Well, it didn't really make me cry, but it was moving. Maybe I'm just a wuss (entirely likely). Anyway, you need to work on commas. Indeed, check out Lynn Truss' punctuation book from the library (I didn't read the whole thing, but it had some good stuff on commas).
The last paragraph seems a bit awkward. I think a better way to do it is to nix the part about the best friend. It seems weird because we don't know very much about him and it seems irrelevant. I mean, the guy's already gonna die, he's never going to see his family again, his world is crumbling apart. It's kind of a good cap to all his problems, I guess, but it's a tad cruel to have him be murdered by his best friend amidst all that.
It just feels like there should be more to the story, ya know? Like this should continue with the little girl, then have her find out later that her father was murdered by his best friend. Or maybe reveal it in dialogue.
Anyway, I've railed against the first sentence of the last paragraph long enough. It's sad, moving and leaves me with many questions. It doesn't stand alone, but it's still pretty good.
Keep listening to that nickelback. Can't say I like 'em that well, but do whatever it takes get you digits twitching!