Young Writers Society

One hand rested on the wheel, the other on my bound hands. He kept glancing into my eyes, smiling, like a predator looking at his prey. I was scared beyond all measure, the boy I will always love, has taken me prisoner. I can’t help but to think it was my fault. I told him I could no longer handle his possessive ways and we had to end it. Just because I ended it, it didn’t make it hurt less. In some ways maybe this will help me realize he is dangerous, but truthfully I may not even escape alive, and if I don’t I blame it on myself.
I met Isaac when I was 16. He was kind, sweet, and romantic. After we had been dating for 6 months he became possessive. I felt pressed and confused, but I loved him so I tried. A week after my 17th birthday Isaac and I met up at favorite little café. We sat at the tables smiling and laughing, and then suddenly he dropped to one knee. He proposed but I told him we were all too young. He tried to say that even though we were young our love was strong. At that point I knew we had to end it, teenage love never lasts.
That brings us back to where I am now. I dumped him and now I am bound, sitting beside him in his little car, our packed bags resting in the back seat. Slowly I lowered my head onto his shoulder, just like the old days. Of course I was terrified but maybe if he thought I changed my mind he would set me free, and just maybe I could be happy again. So I laid against him as wrapped his arm around my shoulders, holding me close. He began to speak, his voice quiet and whispery, "I will love you forever Anne, and I knew all I had to do was remind you of what we have". I look up at him and say I love you. He dips his head and softly kisses my lips. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms.
I awoke on a scratchy bed Isaac's arm slung across me, my hands no longer bound. I knew I had to escape, his getting more attached could help me none. I roll over, slowly sliding out from under his arm. As I lift myself off the bed, he grabs my wrist, pulling me down. "Are you trying to escape," he whispers angrily. "Of course not babe, I just have to use the restroom." I slowly lift myself off the bed when he pulls me down hard. "I know you are trying to escape, but I won't let you!" I wriggle as he pulls me closer and digs around with the other hand in the nightstand. Suddenly he pulls a small handgun from the drawer. Slowly he raises the gun to my head, pressing it against my left temple. As I wriggle he pulls the trigger.
I feel as I'm flying as I leave my crumbled body. In a haze I watch Isaac clutch my broken body as he is racked by sobs. My eyes become hazy as he pulls the gun to his head and fires the trigger. He slowly walks towards me, mist hovering around his feet. "I'm sorry Annie girl, I never should have brought you into this, but the dark man said I had to. I have to go with him now, goodbye my dear Anne." Water comes to my eyes as I watch him walk into the darkness. Suddenly a light appears and I feel like I should go that way. I head towards it, but first slowly turn my head and whisper into the wind "You always told me, you can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it”

Hi!

Um, so as this stands, this is kind of jumbled. You're trying to pack a lot into such a short space of time, and it really feels confusing when we read about all of it because you don't get the chance to develop the characters, figure out who they are and what motivates them. You could probably fill a novel about these characters, but it's all in a few short paragraphs. Not that your ideas are bad though -- I'm saying that you should try to expand. Figure out what they stand for.

I can tell that this piece is very character-driven, so you have to think about them. What's Annie like? Despite how sweet Isaac was, was there ever a time that she realized that something was off about him? Was he ever abusive, and she was too shaken to do anything about it? What's her persona like outside of Isaac? How did she meet him -- did she fall for him right away, or was it gradual.

Then there's Isaac. What exactly is troubling him? Why does he do what he does at the end? Despite what happens, is he still nice/likeable? Why does he propose? Was he ever expecting her to say no? Get into some of his reactions, and maybe he could talk more about what made him do what he did.

Once you have your characters figured out, another thing that you could do that will really help this is showing instead of telling. Right now, your piece largely consists of "I did this, he did that, this happened". Instead of telling us things that happened, show us what happened, how they met. Was it by chance? What was the scene like when he proposed to her? How does Annie feel at the end?

These are just a few thoughts for revisions; I hope they help you! This isn't a bad story by any means, and I'm curious to see where you take it. Feel free to leave me a note if you have any questions!

~ Elinor

It's a good plot, but it needs a bit more work.
For example,

his getting more attached could help me none.

You could replace that with 'him getting attached to me wouldn't help me at all' or 'his attachment wasn't going to do any good' to make it less awkward.
Second, the dialogue.

I awoke on a scratchy bed Isaac's arm slung across me, my hands no longer bound. I knew I had to escape, his getting more attached could help me none. I roll over, slowly sliding out from under his arm. As I lift myself off the bed, he grabs my wrist, pulling me down. "Are you trying to escape," he whispers angrily. "Of course not babe, I just have to use the restroom." I slowly lift myself off the bed when he pulls me down hard. "I know you are trying to escape, but I won't let you!" I wriggle as he pulls me closer and digs around with the other hand in the nightstand. Suddenly he pulls a small handgun from the drawer. Slowly he raises the gun to my head, pressing it against my left temple. As I wriggle he pulls the trigger.

The dialogue is in the paragraph. Usually when readers see a lot of words, they tend to try to read through it quickly, also skipping some sentences which make the story confusing (I do that A LOT) so try to space the conversation between the two people.
Ex:
"Are you trying to escape?" He whispers angrily.
"Of course not, babe. I just have to use the restroom."
Other than that, I like your writing.

Best of luck,

Kirah

Howdy!
So, this has GREAT potential to be an awesome story. The plot is there, it just needs a tad bit of work.

The beginning was great. That first statement of his hand being on your bound hands is an instant hook to draw the reader into the story. So I applaud you for that.
In the second paragraph, try going into detail about how he felt some of these "possessive" emotions that you didn't share, and maybe explain how it would hurt him. That would help the reader better understand the motive behind the kidnapping.
The third paragraph is almost perfect. Once again, I just think it would be interesting to see you go a bit more in depth.
Oh, the fourth paragraph. This one is primarily where you should work. Don't jump -straight- into his freakout of you escaping. Maybe start with him suspiciously asking where you are going, and you wait a second before answering, and when you finally do answer, your nerves get to you and the lie is apparent in your tone. Elaborate more. Pull the reader head-first into this tragic scene of a love that could never be.

And, though I really -do- like the last paragraph, I think the story would be really great even without adding that paragraph to it. Ending it with the shot that takes your life leaves the reader shocked, terrified, wondering, and anxious. They question what happened to him; they wonder whether or not his love for you will continue on. The ending would leave them thinking. And that's great.

I really hope you take all of this in the sense of me helping you. I really do like your story, and you have great potential as a writer!

Hope to see more by you.
Dylan.

Good. I just changed a few things they are highlighted in red.

One hand rested on the wheel, the other on my bound hands. He kept glancing into my eyes, smiling, like a predator looking at his prey. I was scared beyond all measure, the boy I will always love, has taken me prisoner. I can’t help but to think it was my fault. I told him I could no longer handle his possessive ways and we had to end it. Just because I ended it, it didn’t make it hurt less. In some ways maybe this will help me realize he is dangerous, but truthfully I may not even escape alive, and if I don’t I blame it on myself.

I met Isaac when I was 16. He was kind, sweet, and romantic. After we had been dating for 6 months he became possessive. I felt pressed and confused, but I loved him so I tried. A week after my 17th birthday Isaac and I met up at favorite little café. We sat at the tables smiling and laughing, and then suddenly he dropped to one knee. He proposed but I told him we were all too young. He tried to say that even though we were young our love was strong. At that point I knew we had to end it, teenage love never lasts.

That brings us back to where I am now. I dumped him and now I am bound, sitting beside him in his little car, our packed bags resting in the back seat. Slowly I lowered my head onto his shoulder, just like the old days. Of course I was terrified but maybe if he thought I changed my mind he would set me free, and just maybe I could be happy again. So I laid against him as wrapped his arm around my shoulders, holding me close.

He began to speak, his voice quiet and whispery, "I will love you forever Anne, and I knew all I had to do was remind you of what we have".

I look up at him and say I love you. He dips his head and softly kisses my lips. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms.

I awoke on a scratchy bed Isaac's arm slung across me, my hands no longer bound. I knew I had to escape, his getting more attached could help me none. I roll over, slowly sliding out from under his arm. As I lift myself off the bed, he grabs my wrist, pulling me down.

"Are you trying to escape," he whispers angrily.

"Of course not babe, I just have to use the restroom." I slowly lift myself off the bed when he pulls me down hard.

"I know you are trying to escape, but I won't let you!" I wriggle as he pulls me closer and digs around with the other hand in the nightstand. Suddenly he pulls a small handgun from the drawer. Slowly he raises the gun to my head, pressing it against my left temple. As I wriggle he pulls the trigger.

I feel as I'm flying as I leave my crumbled body. In a haze I watch Isaac clutch my broken body as he is racked by sobs. My eyes become hazy as he pulls the gun to his head and fires the trigger. He slowly walks towards me, mist hovering around his feet. "I'm sorry Annie girl, I never should have brought you into this, but the dark man said I had to. I have to go with him now, goodbye my dear Anne." This Part confused me.

Water comes to my eyes as I watch him walk into the darkness. Suddenly a light appears and I feel like I should go that way. I head towards it, but first slowly turn my head and whisper into the wind[color=#FF0040], "You always told me, you can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it”[/color]

A very interesting plot. (I remember now why I refuse to date!)

Other then what other have already said I can't see anything amiss.

Keep writing,

~FW~

This is really good - you have a very interesting plot but, it needs a tad bit of work. My advice? Read it out loud to yourself. I always find that I pick up a lot of mistakes when I speak it aloud. You can notice when things don't flow right. I'm also aware this is a 'short story' but maybe you've chopped it down just a wee bit too short. My personal opinion would be to expand it. Maybe build up a bit about your characters back ground. Memories together? The romantic moments? This will help your readers really connect to your MC. Another way to approach it would be to make your readers sort of fall inlove with Issac. Make us think he's so sweet and that him and Anne are a perfect couple match. So then in the end when he kills her it will have a more emotional impact on us.
You've got a got some great creativity and I'd love to read more!
Keep writing.
Born. (:

Hey, I'm Luxe! Okay, so this story has tons of potential right now. I think that the story you're going for is great; you just have to get some things fixed up first.

I agree with Elinor that you need to expand this a little bit more. Everything seems kind of rushed and like you were in a hurry to get it done. Go back through and add some more to your story. At this point we don't know hardly anything about your story's background or about your characters. With your characters, I would suggest "getting to know them" better. Write down everything about them and what they are like. Getting to know your characters is one of the most important things that I have learned. Once you know them reallywell, you can give them more life, thus creating a much more intriguing story. If you have any questions about this, PM me and I'll try to make it more clear.

At that point I knew we had to end it, teenage love never lasts.

I think that you have the right idea here, but elaborate on it some more. It's very bland right now. I like it though...very truthful! Most of the time anyway

I awoke on a scratchy bed, Isaac's arm slung across me, my hands no longer bound.

Comma between bed and Isaac. Another thing that you should probably change is the whole bound hands thing. That seems a little medieval for this story.

I feel like a lot of work could go to your grammar too. There were quite a few missing commas in here. I also agree with one of the people before me about the part after he's shot her. That just seems odd to me too.

Anyways, I hope I didn't sound to harsh. I really did like this. It has tons of potential!

Cheers,
Luxe

Hi!

Okay, well this was actually pretty good, which I didn't it would be good since it was so short. Anyways, the description was pretty good, and so was the emotion. But I feel like you could've made this a bit longer, and elaborated on it a bit more. Other than that, it was pretty good!

Nice job!