Young Writers Society

Chapter 1: It`s Time
`` Come on Kesha!``, Tristian said, as, he was trying to kiss his girlfriend, that he has been with for a year and three months. `` Tristian, you know I`m not that kind of girl``, Kesha said, as, she was trying to resist Tristian`s seduction. `` But, baby, when are we going to take it to the next step?``, Tristian questioned, now moving away from Kesha who was on the couch.
`` When the time is right``, Kesha said, as ,she got up from the couch and was heading to the door, until Tristian had his hand on the door, not letting Kesha leave. `` You know I`ve been waiting for this moment, besides, my parents are out of town``, Tristian explained, as he was caressing Kesha`s face. `` I know you`ve been waiting , and I`ve been waiting too. But, I`m just not ready yet``, Kesha said, as, she was set free and gave Tristian a kiss on the lips, and walked out to her car. ``Kesha....Kesha!``, Tristian shouted, from the porch of the apartment. `` I`m just not ready, I`m sorry babe``, Kesha said, as, she got into her car and left.
* * * *

`` Why did this have to happen to me?``, I thought we would be able to take it to the next step``. Tristian thought to himself, as, he slammed the door behind him, and crashed on the couch, tuning into ESPN, watching Atlanta Hawks @ Magic.

Well. Fisrt of all, this was good. A few nitpicks... something I often do myself, but you need to watch how many comma's you put in. Some are un-neccasary.
This was the shortest short story I have ever read... but it was good!
Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing more!
-cassidyrose

Hello. First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm sorry, I really didn't like this at all. The punctuation was awful, all over the place. The storyline was rather corny and unconventional. I'm so sorry to be harsh. Just giving my opinion. And, for a chapter, wasn't it a little short? Anyways, don't let my comment put you off. Keep writing! Thanks,
~ Amelia

Hello there.

syd2011 wrote:Chapter 1: It`s Time
`` Come on Kesha!``, Tristian said, as, he was trying to kiss his girlfriend, that he has been with for a year and three months.
*Space*
`` Tristian, you know I`m not that kind of girl``, Kesha said, as, she was trying to resist Tristian`s seduction.
*Space*
`` But, baby, when are we going to take it to the next step?``, Tristian questioned, now moving away from Kesha who was on the couch.
*Space*
`` When the time is right``, Kesha said, as , Period. She got up from the couch and was heading to the door, until Tristian had his hand on the door, not letting Kesha leave.
*Space*
`` You know I`ve been waiting for this moment, besides, my parents are out of town``, Tristian explained, as he was caressing Kesha`s face.
*Space*
`` I know you`ve been waiting , and I`ve been waiting too. But, I`m just not ready yet``, Kesha said, as, Period. She was set free and gave Tristian a kiss on the lips, and walked out to her car.
*Space*
``Kesha....Kesha!``, Tristian shouted, from the porch of the apartment.
*Space*
`` I`m just not ready, I`m sorry babe``, Kesha said, as, she got into her car and left.
* * * *

Why did this have to happen to me? I thought we would be able to take it to the next step comma,Tristian thought to himself, as, he slammed the door behind him,and crashed on the couch, tuning into ESPN, watching Atlanta Hawks @ Magic.

First off your quotation marks are weird. I won't re-do them of anything, just want to mention it.
Secondly, the others were right. You have a problem with your commas... Not that you don't put enough, but just the contrary, you put too much when they're not needed. So, you can probably see that I've stroke out the comma's that weren't needed. They are in red.

Plot wise, it was a little bit lacking. I mean, I get the conflict and all, but we need a little bit more information on the couple. You could make this a little bit longer, I'm sure.

To help with that, try to ask yourself some questions and answer them. If it's pertinent information that the reader could use, then add it to the story. For instance, did the couple have a good relationship before? Did he ever tried to ask her to take their relationship to another level? If so, did she say no, and why? You see, there's the past that will give us information on their personalities which will bring your story on a whole new level. It will also help with the deepness of it.

Hope I helped, and keep writing!

-Other One

Honestly, the plot was really boring. The characters were flat. You should show the reader things like: Why won't Kesha go all the way? Or how does Kesha's rejection effect Tristain? Overall, I think you should work on adding emotion to your characters.

Okay. I realize you probably worked hard on this, but this could've been a lot better. First of all, it was really short. Second of all, there was really no plot. A girlfriend was being pressured by her boyfriend, so after she left he watched sports. The end. You probably could've elaborated on it more.

Nice try though.

Hello there. Here to lend my version of a review for this. ^-^ Seeing as a few have already commented. The first thing I would like to comment on though that really seemed to bug me was the whole quotation thing. I'm not so sure there was that big of a need to create your own parenthesis when there is already a standard key for that. It also appears much too spacey in my opinion. I notice you did this with with every quotation and apostrophe. I wouldn't.

syd2011 wrote:Chapter 1: It`s Time
`` Come on Kesha!``, Tristian said, as,(remove comma here after "as") he was trying to kiss his girlfriend, that he ha(d) been with for a year and three months. `` Tristian, you know I`m not that kind of girl``, Kesha said, as,(Remove comma here as well) she was trying to resist Tristian`s seduction. `` But, baby, when are we going to take it to the next step?``, Tristian questioned, now moving away from Kesha who was on the couch.
`` When the time is right``, Kesha said, as ,(Remove comma)she got up from the couch and was head(ed) to the door, until Tristian had his hand on the door, not letting ("allowing" sounds much better here.) Kesha leave. `` You know I`ve been waiting for this moment(.) Besides, my parents are out of town``, Tristian explained, as he was caressing Kesha`s face. `` I know you`ve been waiting , and I`ve been waiting too. But, I`m just not ready yet``, Kesha said, as,(Remove comma) she was set free and gave Tristian a kiss on the lips, and walked out to her car. (There's too much of a run-on happening here.) ``Kesha....Kesha!``, Tristian shouted,(Remove comma.) from the porch of the apartment. `` I`m just not ready, I`m sorry babe``, Kesha said, as,(Remove comma.) she got into her car and left.
* * * *

`` Why did this have to happen to me?``, I thought we would be able to take it to the next step``. Tristian thought to himself, as,(Remove comma.) he slammed the door behind him,(Remove comma.) and crashed on the couch, tuning into ESPN, watching Atlanta Hawks @ Magic. (In order to avoid more run-on's, I would easily just nix out that last part after the comma. No need to explain what he's tuning into on ESPN. It's a useless factor to include.)

Also, when writing out dialogue, just a friendly reminder that the comma always comes before the closing parenthesis. Another friendly tip would be to avoid run-on sentences at all costs. Keep the ideas of your sentences clean and simple, not so lengthy and never ending.

I think what you wrote here could probably use some more work as far as making it into something very worth the read. It seemed much too generically done for my taste. I would have like to have seen something a bit more unique done with this. I'd try building it up a little more.