Young Writers Society

I heard footsteps. They were coming closer and closer. The sound of crunching pebbles under their feet. Then someone stood in front of me, I could see their feet and upto their knee caps; that was all.
"Lily is that you?" a male voice asked.
I looked up. I didn't notice who the boy stood in front of me was at first. I blinked a few times, clearing my blurred vision. It was a boy from my English class, but what did he want.
His name was Darren. He was tall, he had blond hair and gorgeous, sea blue eyes. He wasn't that bad looking, I had spoken to him a couple of times, when we worked together in English, but I didn't really know him that much.
"Yeah it's me" I managed to say, without my voice shaking like crazy.
"Why are you on the beach on your own? C'mon stand up. I bet you have a wet bum now eh?" he laughed.
"Yeah i have a wet bum, but nevermind. I could ask you the same question" I said, forcing a smile. I sounded a lot stronger than what i felt.
I could remember Darren telling me he was a bisexual in English, i'm not sure why he told me, but he did. His fashion sense was amazing. Today he was wearing a black farmers cap, a skull top with a waistcoat, some skinny jeans and a pair of high tops. He looked amazing.
"Well i come to the beach to think. It takes my mind off things. It's peaceful here. You still haven't answered my question" he hinted.
"Oh that's cool... I was ment to be with Jay here" i replied.
My heart ached at the mention of his name.
"Aw hun did he stand you up?"
I knew i was going to cry. The acheing heart, him leaving me.
"No... he dumped me"I said my eyes filling up with tears, then there was the explosion of tears from my eyes, like a tap had just been turned on the highest it could be. You could hear the sobs a mile away as I beathed deeply for more oxygen, yelping a little.
"Aw don't cry babe. It'll be okay. You have me. Always. I'll never go. Just forget about him" he said reassuring me and squeezed me tightly.
I seemed to beleive his words, they seemed to ease my pain. Almost heal it. He's nothing compared to Jay though. Maybe i wouldn't have to commit suicide (not that i was planning to), as long as i could have Darren around. He made me feel better.
"Okay i'll try. Can i hang around with you at school tomorrow?" I asked
I usually hung out with Jay, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen anymore.
"Yeah sure. You can hang around with me and my crew. If you want you can sleep around mine tonight? Then we can walk to school together as well"
"Are you sure your aloud? I mean you haven't even asked your mum yet, if i'm aloud i will though"
"Yeah don't worry about it. My mum's so layed back, she lets me do what i want. Considering we live in a mansion, she doesn't really notice that much"
"Woah! Cool. You live in a mantion? I guessed you must have a bit of money considering all the clothes you wear and that i've never seen you wear the same set of clothes. Ever! Your so lucky. I'll just text my mum to bring my stuff. It wont take long. We'll just have to wait for a bit"
I was super excited now. To see his house. It took my mind off Jay, well sort of. Woops! Now he's back into my head. Great!

This is a great start. Really. But before you go on, you should remember a few things:

1) Please check your spelling and grammar. I can't stress that enough. Spell Check is never perfect, and if you don't want to do it, get someone else to help you.
2)Don't be afraid to develop your characters. All of them. They are their own people and you have taken the time to create them. You owe it not to your readers, but to your characters, to give them everything you've got in your mind.
3) Don't add in useless details. They're exactly that, useless.

Hey i liked your beginning and ending. Nice short story that was interesting and easy to read. The second last paragraph was a little weak remember to only tell the reader information that is necessary to move the story along. Also try not to use" had" and" was" so much, try to manipulate your sentences so that they're not so past-tense (eliminating had and was will do this) because present is more exciting. For example instead of say "the sun was warm" use" the sun warmed her skin" using (what is it a verb?) Like warmed is the key. Also you tend to be telling the reader what's hapenning all the time. A lot of the time a reader can figure out what's hapenning without you telling them for example at the end you said something like" iwas so excited now because i was going to his house". Personally i would eliminate" i was going to his house" as the reader can guess that was why she was excited. Also a more interesting way to write is to show not tell. For example you could say "my heart raced" which shows she's excited without stating it. Your storyline was great however it made it more interesting and less conventional with the guy being bisexual. Also i like the way you didn't try and squeeze in any romance between the two in it makes it implied they're going to get together which is good so well done!

I noticed quite few little grammar things that could use fixing. I guess I'll just begin by pointing those out for you first.

Then someone stood in front of me(.) I could see their feet and up[space]to their knee caps; that was all.

"Lily(,) is that you?"

I looked up(,) but didn't notice who the boy standing in front of me was at first. (I think that would sound better as one sentence instead of two separate ones.)

It was a boy from my English class, but what did he want(?)

He wasn't that bad looking(.) I had spoken to him a couple of times, when we worked together in English, but I didn't really know him that much.

"Yeah(,) it's me(,)" I managed to say,

"Why are you at the beach on your own? C'mon(,) stand up. I bet you have a wet bum now(,) eh?"

"Yeah I have a wet bum, but never[space]mind. I could ask you the same question(,)" I said, forcing a smile. I sounded a lot stronger than what I felt.

I could remember Darren telling me he was a bisexual in English(.) I wasn't sure why he told me, but he did.

. .some skinny jeans(,) and a pair of high tops.

"Well(,) I come to the beach to think. It takes my mind off things. It's peaceful here. You still haven't answered my question(,)" he hinted. (What exactly is he hinting? Maybe the word "hinting" should be replaced with a different word.)

"Oh(,) that's cool... I was meant to be with Jay here(,)" I replied.

"Aw(,) hun(.) Did he stand you up?"
I knew I was going to cry. The aching heart, him leaving me.
"No... he dumped me(,)"I said(,) my eyes filling up with tears(.) Then there was the explosion of tears from my eyes, like a tap had just been turned on the highest it could be.

"Aw(,) don't cry babe. It'll be okay. You have me. Always. I'll never go. Just forget about him(,)" he said(,) reassuring me while squeezing me tightly.

I seemed to believe his wordsas they seemed to ease my pain. Almost heal it. He was nothing compared to Jay though. Maybe I wouldn't have to commit suicide (not that I was planning to), as long as I could have Darren around. He made me feel better.
"Okay(,) I'll try. Can I hang around with you at school tomorrow?" I asked
I usually hung out with Jay, but it didn't look like that was going to happen anymore.

"Yeah(,) sure. You can hang around with me and my crew. If you want(,) you can sleep around mine tonight? (I think you should rewrite that sentence, "you can sleep around mine tonight?" That doesn't sound complete.) Then we can walk to school together as well(.)"
"Are you sure you're aloud? I mean(,) you haven't even asked your mum yet(.) If I'm aloud I will though(.)"
"Yeah(,) don't worry about it. My mum's so laid back, she lets me do what I want. Considering we live in a mansion, she doesn't really notice that much"

"Woah! Cool. You live in a mansion? I guessed you must have a bit of money considering all the clothes you wear and that I"ve never seen you wear the same set of clothes twice. Ever! You're so lucky. I'll just text my mum to bring my stuff. It wont take long. We'll just have to wait for a bit(.)"

It took my mind off Jay(.) Well(,) sort of. Whoops! Now he was back in my head. Great!

I think what you wrote here has potential, but overall it seemed a bit juvenile. Like the way you spoke about him living in a mansion. Of course that's a very obviously appealing concept. But I think you could have probably down played it a little bit.

Also, the way you ended this sounded a bit too cheerful. You went from tears to absolute elation. Your character should have come off a little bit more relieved or calm about that. And as Darren was inviting her to come sleep over, well, I think that was a bit much. Especially for how you mentioned Lily didn't know him all that well. The relationship became a little odd in that sense.

Also, the fact that she was more concerned about his mother allowing it to be okay for him to have a girl spend the night. I would think the girls mother would be the worried one. Why would any mother allow their daughter to spend the night at some boy's house whom they don't even know? Mine sure wouldn't. And I think that's sort of a basic realistic nature there. Realism makes these kind of stories really work. You should work on incorporating that into the story.

I would work on paying closer attention to grammar and spelling. There were many commas missing as well as un-capitalized "I's" and some misspelled words. Make sure to try and proofread at least a little yourself before posting. I would also try further developing your characters some more. They just seem very cookie-cutter. And more emotion should take place instead of plainly writing it out. There's definitely a difference between the two.

Good luck with your story, and I hope my review will be of some help to you.

This was a really good start, but I noticed a few spelling mistakes. But everyone else has too. So I won't be a repeat. But this is a really good start. Other than that, it was good. Keep up the great work and Keep writing!!!
~Qoh16

Hello there.

First, SmylinG already pointed out pretty much every grammar related mistake I found, so I won't point them out a second time. Just make sure you do correct it because it's not a good sign when someone already correct it but the corrections aren't made.

Plot wise, I think it's lacking something...
The plot is the break up between Jay and Lily. I just don't get what Darren does in the story? He's a friend when she needs one. Yes, but I would like to see a little bit more about the Jay and Lily conflict. We don't need to actually read the fight or break up or whatever it was, but at least more emotions. Right now, I didn't have a clue there was anything wrong before she actually mentioned it to Darren. The read should at least know there's something wrong, the her heart was broken, that she's thinking off a guy...

Also, the ending seems a little bit weird. It just doesn't fit into the rest of the story. It should be still emotional, because no one can just let go of a relationship that fast. The Darren thing is a little bit odd too, like SmylinG mentioned.

Keep on writing!

-Other One

Like everybody said, a couple of grammar issues. Capitalize your i's. You also need to add punctuation in some parts where they're talking.

It seems like a good start, but you're moving way too quickly. I think you need to be more descriptive about Lily's feelings and thoughts. You should give us more information about Jay too, and better imagery. What does the beach look like? Cloudy, sunny, empty? Are you sitting or are you laying down?

It also needs to be more realistic! Would some random guy from English really invite a girl over to spend the night within a two minute conversation? Sounds strange. She says she ' doesn't really know him that much'. I think the character shouldn't be as eager to just move on. If I just got dumped by somebody significant, I wouldn't exactly be in the mood to spend the night with an acquaintance. It seems as if Jay was significant to her. You need to prove that to us, because right now it seems as if she doesn't really care for him. Show that she is upset, confused, hurt. Don't automatically rush to the plot. Give us details on everything. This could be a great story, but at the moment it's a skeleton. You need to fill it up and give it some life.

I really liked the plot to this, but the details were slightly confused. I also agree with housecat when she says it should be more realistic. The speaker mentions that she barely knows this guy, but then next thing you know she is planning on staying the night with him. There is also the grammar mistakes everyone else mentioned.

Okay, well. Hmm... This was pretty good, but a little confusing. A few things: I didn't see how it was relevant to the story that you said Darren was bisexual. Maybe it had to do with his fashion sense, but I don't understand why you put that in other than that. Also, it didn't seem very "real" when he just offered for her to stay at his house.

I don't really monitor grammar that much, so I'll leave that to someone else. Nice job though!