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First Date



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Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:09 pm
Yanni1995 says...



Jessica froze. Time stopped and she couldn’t think. What happened, you might ask. I’ll tell you what happened.

Jeremy Anderson spoke to her. That’s what happened. Oh that’s right! I forgot to tell you who I am. My name is Angela Reid, best friend to Jessica Rodriguez – the girl who froze. They say I'm a tomboy because... I don't really know but I think it's because I haven't had a boyfriend, ever, and yet I'm friends with the hottest guys in school (or at least that's what the other girls tell me).

Now back to my amusing story: Jeremy Anderson, captain of the basketball team, heartthrob of the year and undoubtedly the hottest guy in the school spoke to my best friend. But, that is not what made her freeze. The reason for her loss of all coherent thought is Jeremy asking her out. Before I tell you about that, let me tell you something about Jess.

Jessica Rodriguez is a junior at Central City high school, the same as me. She has reddish-brown hair and striking brown eyes and is most probably the shiest person I know. She is part of the volleyball team and is good at the sport but no one seems to notice it besides her friends and teammates. Before she met me, she barely spoke to anyone and up until now she’s still basically a part of the school’s walls, literally. No one notices her outside of our own group so it came as a shock that the hottest guy in school had asked her out. Unlike her, however, I am pretty popular although I have no idea why. But, that is a story for another time.

There are a total seven of us in our group. There’s me, Jess, Andrew – he’s a part of the football team, Kevin – he’s Jeremy’s teammate, Hitomi – a Japanese exchange student who’s the captain of the lacrosse team, Sheila and Sean – they’re twins and both are swim team champions. We’re an odd little group but we fit in together, no one minds what the other person does and we get along really well.

Today was supposed to be just another school day. So, we went about our business. Class as usual, then recess and back to class. After a tedious five hours, lunch came about. Every lunch we go to the quad and sit on the grass to eat. Today was no different. Jess and I were walking towards our friends while she babbled on about any and everything that came to her mind.

“Angie, do you have any plans for the weekend?” she asked me.

“Um, sorry Jess, I promised Dave I’d spend some time with him this weekend,” I said, talking about my four year old brother. She looked downcast but she quickly tried to cover it up with a smile.

“That’s alright. Anyway, did you hear about…” was all I heard before I tuned out her incessant chatter. Seriously, she’s my best friend but sometimes she talks too much.

Before long we had reached the group. They were sitting on the grass in the middle of the quad, under the shade of an oak tree. We were at one corner of the quad so we could see everything from our point of view. On the grass, there were other students milling around while some are on the bleachers. To my left, I saw the basketball team on the blue bleachers, to my right was the football team on the red bleachers while straight ahead was the Science building with its white-washed walls. Blue, red and gold are the school's colors so it is not surprising they would color the bleachers like that. From my vantage point I could see some of the younger students sitting by the fountain in the middle of the quad to keep themselves cool. I pulled my black hair up into a messy ponytail when I felt the heat coming from the ground as my chocolate brown eyes regarded everything in sight.

Anyway, back to my story. Andrew and Kevin were arguing about the better sport, Sean and Sheila were bickering about their food while Hitomi watched with amusement. Jessica went over to sit next to Hitomi while I opted to sit next to the arguing guys. I bopped them on the head which effectively stopped all noise. We began to eat our various lunches while talking.

Suddenly I noticed Jeremy stand up from his seat on the bleachers among his team and make his way to us. I immediately knew where he was going, or more specifically to whom. I nudged both Andrew and Kevin and subtly nodded at the direction of the upcoming guest. They turned back to me with conspiratorial smirks. My suspicion was confirmed when Jeremy stopped in front of our whole group, a light pink tinting his cheeks and suddenly his shoes looked to be very interesting.

I smiled to myself. ‘Who knew, the basketball captain was shy?’ I thought. Then I looked at Kevin, he was wearing a knowing smile with a mischievous glint in his eyes. I shook my head in amusement. Finally, after a long awkward moment Kevin broke the tense silence. Apparently the three of us were not the only ones to notice Jeremy’s arrival.

“Jeremy!” Kevin greeted. “Did I forget basketball practice or something?” he asked innocently.

“Um… um… Yeah! Actually Coach asked me to remind you that we have practice after school today.”

“Oh, cool!” was the reply. “Thanks for reminding me.” Kevin said, “Anyway, is that all you came to talk about?” he asked cheekily.

“Actually, no,” Jeremy replied “I wanted to talk to Jessica,” he said, finally looking at her. The girl’s curious expression turned into one of shock and wonder as she regarded him carefully as if expecting someone to jump out from somewhere to tell her that it was a joke.

“Should we leave?” Andrew jested. “We could go so the two of you could have some privacy, you know,” he suggested. Both Jessica and Jeremy blushed crimson at the implication.

“No, that’s alright,” Jeremy replied after a long moment of silence. He wasn’t looking at Andrew though, but at Jessica. It seemed like they were already speaking to each other through their eyes and all six of us in the audience exchanged knowing looks. “I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go out with me this weekend.” Jeremy said after taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. His question was addressed to Jessica and we all knew that. His eyes seemed to be asking her the same question that his mouth had just had.

Jeremy looked expectantly at Jessica but the poor girl was petrified in her place next to Hitomi. The next thing we knew, she had slumped in her seat, passed out with the silliest smile on her face.

To Jeremy, it was the best answer he had ever gotten, if the goofy grin he wore was any proof of what he was thinking. The six of us, meaning Kevin, Andrew, Sean, Sheila, Hitomi and me looked at each other with conspiratorial smiles and I thought, "This is gonna be the best first date ever."
Last edited by Yanni1995 on Thu May 05, 2011 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Writing is not simply 'telling', it is also 'showing'. ~ Yanni1995
  





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Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:48 am
Cassie9960 says...



This was cute! A very entertaining short storie! I have a few nitpicks though. Ok...
1)The ending was cute but it didn't end very well I'm sorry to say, I really like this story but the ending was to short.
2) What did Jessica look like? Brunette? Blond? Redhead? Try describing her a little better, it's the same for Angie.
3) Describe the setting a little better. Were there trees? A fountain? Make it feel like the reader is there.

Ok well I really liked this and I hope you write some more stories. :) Well, please consider fixing those few things!! :)
Happy Writing
~Cassie :)
  





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Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:47 pm
Qoh16 says...



This was a cute, funny, and entertaining story. It was a great pick me up, becaue lord knows I needed it. Haha. Anyway, just those few nitpicks that was said before me. Other than really it was a great little story, thank you. Keep writing!! :D
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  





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Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:08 pm
Doxie00 says...



Hahha this storyh was cute and funny ! :) I especially loved the way you made the narrator narrate. Funny and full of witty humour ehh?! ;) Awesome. =))
  





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Mon May 02, 2011 12:36 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I didn't find any nitpicks for you, which is good. ;)

The plot was good, but the way you introduced it could be worked on. You seem to tell, not show a lot... Which is one of my problems too. Like where people were sitting, how they were bickering, how the characters look. Instead of just saying it, make us see it through her. Like if she looked around and saw people sitting on the bleachers, laughing and laying around with balls. She could hear the fight between Sheila and Sean, see Jessica's air blow in the wind and say how the light caught in it, making it look a little more red then when she was inside. You see, it's different when you say something like that, like the MC is just looking at it and describing, then if she just says it randomly.

Apart from this, it's great! I liked the idea of the story.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Mon May 02, 2011 1:25 am
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Micheley says...



Andrew and Kevin were arguing about the better sport, Sean and Sheila were bickering about their food while Hitomi watched amused

I think it should be either, watched with amusement, or, watched, amused.
Try to also describe the area, like what it looked like. You told us what color bleachers they were sitting on, but what about around them? Were there any tree's besides the oak tree the group was sitting under? How was the weather?
Overall, this was THE cutest story ever!!!!!
& maybe it's true
We don't know what we have till we lose it
But maybe it's also true
We don't know what we're missing
Till we [find it]
  





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Mon May 02, 2011 3:52 pm
LadySpark says...



okay. I love how it was from the best friends point of view. thats a vantage point you don't always get. Its very cute, and made me want to know more.I can eaisly see this becoming a romance novel (consider that by the way) I saw really devolped charecters. the one problem I had was you telling not showing.

Such as (just an example)
I have brown hair and blue eyes. that is telling
I flipped my brown hair over my shoulder, and scanned the yard with my blue eyes. bad example, but this is showing

Also,
I notice you said
younger students playing near a fountian or something.
I don't think this a realistic sentance at all. I mean, saying playing about 14 and 15 year olds? that doesn't say high school kids to me. it says elementry.

If you do a sequel and turn it into a novel, please let me know!
Good job!
~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 9:05 pm
DarkRain says...



This was a nice idea for a story. It was implemented well, and entertained the reader. That said, here are the nitpicks:

I’ll tell you what happened.

No, you say stuff like this all the time in this story. Just, no, take it out, it doesn't sound professional, it doesn't sound like you know what you're talking about, it sounds boring, uninteresting, it almost ruins the story. I hope I've made it clear I don't like this line.

Jeremy Anderson spoke to her. That’s what happened. Oh that’s right!

This is one example of many places where you have so many short sentences consecutively. This can be hard to read, and again, cause the reader to loose interest in the topic at hand.

The reason for her loss of all coherent thought is Jeremy asking her out.

You switch between past and present tense a lot, I recommend sticking with past tense. This is an example of a present tense sentence, right after a past tense sentence.


These are examples of flaws in the writing. Overall, nice peace, and keep writing!
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 11:34 am
Zoreo18 says...



I must say I really enjoyed reading this. I think it was well narrated and it had its own humor too. These are the kind of things I want to read. Something that makes me want to know what's going to happen next. Great job, besides the few mistakes it was awesome. Keep writing :)
The power of imagination makes us infinite.
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