Young Writers Society

“I called you, because I needed you to know something.” She said, looking down at her hands.
“Tell me, please.” He whispered.
“I never stopped loving you,” she said softly. “There was never anyone else. I needed you to know that. I’m sorry.”

Sitting on the couch, she watched him. Trying to see if what she had told him had sunk in. He was shocked, and could not believe what he was hearing.
“You told me you didn’t care.” He whispered softly.
“I know what I told you,” she replied.
Turning to her, he placed a hand on her cheek. “I don’t understand.”
Slowly she removed his hand from her face, but refused to let it go.
“It’s called a lie.” She said simply, praying that she wouldn’t begin to cry.
“Tell me, please tell me why. Why, or at least how you could do that to me… to us.”

That was it; the tears began to fall slowly from her eyes. She had to look away from his face. So, she looked down, but he pulled her face back up.
“Please, I need to know. You owe me that, at the very least.”
Blinking away her tears, or at least trying to, she answered. “It doesn’t matter. You were better off without me, and… I didn’t deserve you.”
“Are you mad?” he whispered. “I loved you, and you did everything you could to push me away. You left me! For months, I couldn’t contact you in any way! I called, I came by, and I searched for you everywhere I thought you would be! What did you do, stay locked in your room?!”
“Pretty much,” she mumbled.
“I don’t believe this! Tell me there is something more! You did not make me live without you for so long, just because you were feeling insecure! Why did you even call me here?! I thought you’d give me an answer!”
He was angry, and she knew he had every right to be.
“I…”
She began, but his phone went off with a loud shrill in the otherwise silent room. He picked it up, and looked at the number.“I’m sorry, I have to take this. It’s my mom.”

He stood up from the couch as he answered and began pacing like he always did when he was on the phone. If she hadn’t been so scared and upset at the thought her plan would fail, she would have smiled at the memory.

“Hello? - Yes, I’m still here… You know why… Fine… Bye.”

He snapped his cell phone shut. “Look, she’s mad I even came. I have to go.”
“No,” her voice almost came out in a squeak.
“Then, give me a reason to stay. Tell me the truth.”
“You’d hate me. You say you love me now… but you don’t know.”
His phone beeped again, this time it was a text. He read it, quickly and said. “Look, I don’t have time for this. I love you, but I can’t. Not if you won’t let me in.” And with that, he pressed a kiss on her forehead and left.

She watched him go, shut the front door behind him. It felt like he was leaving forever, and she couldn’t blame him. But how, how could she tell him now? It was over, yes but would he forgive her? Could she bare it if he didn’t?

Closing her eyes, she let her mind remember all those awful days, the reason for the separation that nearly destroyed them both.

“I’m sorry.” The doctor had said. “You have leukemia. At this stage, I’m not sure how much we can do.”

That day, she felt as if her heart had been torn to shreds. Yet, her first thought was about him. What would he do? So she had hatched a plan, she would break up with him, make him hate her. It would be easier for him when she… bit the dust. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She lied though her teeth, telling him she didn’t care how much they’d been through, how much he claimed to love her. That she had found someone else. All of it… it was like acid burning her tongue. If he only knew what telling him that did to her. It felt like thrusting knives into her heart, as well as his. But at the time, she believed it for the best. That it was what would help him the most. That was how she made it through, thinking it would make it easier for him in the end.

But now, now the cancer was gone. For months, the only place she had been was that wretched hospital. Filling her body so full of radiation, she wasn’t sure how much more she could take… The only thing she was grateful for was that, by some miracle she hadn’t lost her long dark hair.

Then the blessed day came, after so much pain… the doctor came in with a smile on his face.

“You, my dear are nothing short of a medical miracle. I was sure there would be little we could do, but your cancer is gone. It’s just gone, completely, as if it was never even there.” She remembered the outburst of joy her mother had.
“Of course, we’ll keep a check on it, but for now, you may go home.”

The first thing she did was call him; she could no longer stand the thought of him thinking that she didn’t love him, even if she couldn’t tell him why she left.

Bringing her out of her memories she heard the door bell ring. She wiped the tears from her eyes and went to answer it. When she opened the door, he was standing there. “What are you…?” She began
“No,” He interrupted.
Stepping inside he took her into his arms, and pressed his lips to hers.
“I can’t live without you anymore.” He whispered when he pulled back. “Please, don’t make me.” She burst into tears, and pulled him inside. Closing the door behind them she said, “You may want to sit down.”
They returned to their place on the couch and she told him all that she could. Not caring if she shouldn’t. Telling him the truth felt too good. When she had finished, he took her into his arms again. She breathed in the smell of him, wishing she could make the moment last forever, but he pulled away all too soon.
“You truly are a foolish girl.” He said, brushing her hair away from her face. “If I had only known… I would have been there with you every step of the way… I wish you had told me the truth.”
“I couldn’t,” she admitted softly. “I was too afraid, if I had died… I thought it would be easier for you if you hated me.”

“I could never, ever hate you. You are my life. When you told me that you didn’t love me anymore, I thought I would die without you.” She leaned against him, unwilling to let him go.
“It’s called a lie.” She whispered into his chest. “But I will never lie to you again.”

Oh WOW! I loved this so much! I had tears in my eyes! your writing drew me in and I was jsut transfixed. I think you may want to edit a part where her speech ran straight after his in the same paragraph block. Apart from that, no obvious mistakes! Thanks, I really did like this! AC xxx

i really liked it. i was enthralled the whole time. the ending is just lovely.

i don't understand the title though. i understand how the story is centered around the lies she told him but i don't get why it's 'it's "called" a lie'.

you may want to write the dialogues in separate lines 'cause it gets a bit confusing. e.g. in "“It’s called a lie.” She said simply, praying that she wouldn’t begin to cry. “Tell me, please tell me why. Why, or at least how you could do that to me… to us.” " , you can't really tell at first that the "tell me, please......" part is being said by the guy.

in ""You truly are a foolish girl.” He said, brushing her hair away from her face. “If I had only known… I would have been there with you every step of the way… I wish you had told me the truth.”", you may want to try "if only i had known...", i think it sounds better (?)

really great work. kept me involved.

This has several grammatical errors, so I would suggest possibly proof-reading this altogether once more.

wow, it really touched me. I found it really romantic and adored the ending. Love to hear more, Good job!

Thank you all for the reviews! I tried to edit it somewhat. The reason for the title was, it was that sentence that inspired the entire story. "It's called a lie." He didn't understand why she did what she did, or how she could do it. I don't know.. maybe I should change it.. but once again, thank you for the reviews I'm glad that those who liked it, liked it.

Wow, this is a powerful piece of fiction. I loved it every step of the way, however I didn't like the fact that neither of them had names. Other than that I loved it and can find nothing to critize.

Hello there.

Amberla93 wrote:“I called you, because I needed you to know something.” She said, looking down at her hands.
“Tell me, please.” He whispered.
“I never stopped loving you,” she said softly. No space here. “There was never anyone else. I needed you to know that. I’m sorry.”

Sitting on the couch comma, she watched him. Trying to see if what she had told him had sunk in. He was shocked, and could not believe what he was hearing.
“You told me you didn’t care.” He whispered softly.
“I know what I told you,” she replied.
Turning to her, he placed a hand on her cheek. “I don’t understand.”
Slowly she removed his hand from her face, but refused to let it go.
“It’s called a lie.” She said simply, praying that she wouldn’t begin to cry.
“Tell me, please tell me why. Why, or at least how you could do that to me… to us.”

That was it; the tears began to fall slowly from her eyes. She had to look away from his face. So, she looked down, but he pulled her face back up.
“Please, I need to know. You owe me that, at the very least.”
Blinking away her tears, or at least trying to, she answered. “It doesn’t matter. You were better off without me, and… I didn’t deserve you.”
“Are you mad?” he whispered. “I loved you, and you did everything you could to push me away. You left me! For months, I couldn’t contact you in any way! I called, I came by, and I searched for you everywhere I thought you would be! What did you do, stay locked in your room?!”
“Pretty much,” she mumbled.
“I don’t believe this! Tell me there is something more! You did not make me live without you for so long, just because you were feeling insecure! Why did you even call me here?! I thought you’d give me an answer!”
He was angry, and she knew he had every right to be.
“I…”
She began, but his phone went off with a loud shrill in the otherwise silent room. He picked it up, and looked at the number.“I’m sorry, I have to take this. It’s my mom.”

He stood up from the couch as he answered and began pacing like he always did when he was on the phone. If she hadn’t been so scared and upset at the thought her plan would fail, she would have smiled at the memory.

“Hello? - Yes, I’m still here… You know why… Fine… Bye.”

He snapped his cell phone shut. “Look, she’s mad I even came. I have to go.”
“No,” her voice almost came out in a squeak.
“Then, give me a reason to stay. Tell me the truth.”
“You’d hate me. You say you love me now… but you don’t know.”
His phone beeped again, this time it was a text. He read it, quickly and said. “Look, I don’t have time for this. I love you, but I can’t. Not if you won’t let me in.” And with that, he pressed a kiss on her forehead and left.

She watched him go, shut the front door behind him. It felt like he was leaving forever, and she couldn’t blame him. But how, how could she tell him now? It was over, yes but would he forgive her? Could she bare it if he didn’t?

Closing her eyes, she let her mind remember all those awful days, the reason for the separation that nearly destroyed them both.

“I’m sorry.” The doctor had said. “You have leukemia. At this stage, I’m not sure how much we can do.”

That day, she felt as if her heart had been torn to shreds. Yet, her first thought was about him. What would he do? So she had hatched a plan, she would break up with him, make him hate her. It would be easier for him when she… bit the dust. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She lied though her teeth, telling him she didn’t care how much they’d been through, how much he claimed to love her. That she had found someone else. All of it… it was like acid burning her tongue. If he only knew what telling him that did to her. It felt like thrusting knives into her heart, as well as his. But at the time, she believed it for the best. That it was what would help him the most. That was how she made it through, thinking it would make it easier for him in the end.

But now, now the cancer was gone. For months comma, the only place she had been was that wretched hospital. Filling her body so full of radiation, she wasn’t sure how much more she could take… The only thing she was grateful for was that, by some miracle she hadn’t lost her long dark hair.

Then the blessed day came, after so much pain… the doctor came in with a smile on his face.

“You, my dear are nothing short of a medical miracle. I was sure there would be little we could do, but your cancer is gone. It’s just gone, completely, as if it was never even there.” She remembered the outburst of joy her mother had.
“Of course, we’ll keep a check on it, but for now, you may go home.”

The first thing she did was call him; she could no longer stand the thought of him thinking that she didn’t love him, even if she couldn’t tell him why she left.

Bringing her out of her memories she heard the door bell ring. She wiped the tears from her eyes and went to answer it. When she opened the door, he was standing there. “What are you…?” She began
“No,” He interrupted.
Stepping inside he took her into his arms, and pressed his lips to hers.
“I can’t live without you anymore.” He whispered when he pulled back. “Please, don’t make me.” She burst into tears, and pulled him inside. Closing the door behind them she said, “You may want to sit down.”
They returned to their place on the couch and she told him all that she could. Not caring if she shouldn’t. Telling him the truth felt too good. When she had finished comma, he took her into his arms again. She breathed in the smell of him, wishing she could make the moment last forever, but he pulled away all too soon.
“You truly are a foolish girl.” He said, brushing her hair away from her face. “If I had only known… I would have been there with you every step of the way… I wish you had told me the truth.”
“I couldn’t,” she admitted softly. “I was too afraid, if I had died… I thought it would be easier for you if you hated me.”

“I could never, ever hate you. You are my life. When you told me that you didn’t love me anymore, I thought I would die without you.” She leaned against him, unwilling to let him go.
“It’s called a lie.” She whispered into his chest. “But I will never lie to you again.”

This was a touching story, and you did a great job with it. I don't think I have anything to say about the plot... à

Great job and sorry for the short review!

-Other One

Oh, mamma. I usually don't comment on romance, but here I am~ Rosea at your service, downing a pint of cherry syrup before I face the epic world of romantic literature.

Off we go~...

“I called you, because I needed you to know something.” She said, looking down at her hands.

“Tell me, please.” He whispered.

“I never stopped loving you,” she said softly. “There was never anyone else. I needed you to know that. I’m sorry.”

Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Just kidding... but wait. What? Shouldn't you first be introducing to us some kind of atmosphere and then hit us with lines like these? I feel kind of bad about saying this, but I couldn't help but be reminded of those cheesy soap operas wherein the hero and the heroine get separated for a very long time and when they meet again they can't help but run to each other in an oh-so-passionate embrace, looking deep into each other's eyes... that kind of stuff. It just doesn't work for me. This is one of the main reasons why I avoid reading romance. But trust me, I've read a few select ones, and I can tell you that even though they made it to the front of the shelves and they stayed there for long (meaning they became famous bestsellers if I'm making myself vague), they did not, even once, use a literary device like the one you just used above. No such nonsense. There is a plot, and serious business. It was introduced with a time and a setting and a mood and a place, but not with - dare I say it - cliche lines like these.

Sitting on the couch she watched him. Trying to see if what she had told him had sunk in. He was shocked, and could not believe what he was hearing.

“You told me you didn’t care.” He whispered softly.

“I know what I told you,” she replied.

Turning to her, he placed her hand on her cheek. “I don’t understand.”

Slowly she removed his hand from her face, but refused to let it go.

“It’s called a lie.” She said simply, praying that she wouldn’t begin to cry.

What I said in the previous. And repeating this line, "it's called a lie", throughout the piece is just... no. Just no. It has no impact whatsoever. It just makes the foundations of this story weak.

“Tell me, please tell me why. Why, or at least how you could do that to me… to us.”

Why, why, why. Delilah? What is this, a song? Something more concise, please.

That was it; the tears began to fall slowly from her eyes. She had to look away from his face. So, she looked down, but he pulled her face back up.

“Please, I need to know. You owe me that, at the very least.”

Blinking away her tears, or at least trying to, she answered. “It doesn’t matter. You were better off without me, and… I didn’t deserve you.”

What I said...

“Are you mad?” he whispered. “I loved you, and you did everything you could to push me away. You left me! For months, I couldn’t contact you in any way! I called, I came by, and I searched for you everywhere I thought you would be! What did you do, stay locked in your room?!”

“Pretty much,” she mumbled.

“I don’t believe this! Tell me there is something more! You did not make me live without you for so long, just because you were feeling insecure! Why did you even call me here?! I thought you’d give me an answer!”

He was angry, and she knew he had every right to be.

Again, the same.

“I…”

She began, but his phone went off with a loud shrill in the otherwise silent room. He picked it up, and looked at the number.“I’m sorry, I have to take this. It’s my mom.”

He stood up from the couch as he answered and began pacing like he always did when he was on the phone. If she hadn’t been so scared and upset at the thought her plan would fail, she would have smiled at the memory.

“Hello? - Yes, I’m still here… you know why… fine… bye.”

He snapped his cell phone shut. “Look, she’s mad I even came. I have to go.”

Awkward. I'd have no qualms if it was the girl answering to her mom, but the guy... no. It makes his character look weak.

“No,” her voice almost came out in a squeak.

“Then, give me a reason to stay. Tell me the truth.”

“You’d hate me. You say you love me now… but you don’t know.”

His phone beeped again, this time it was a text. He read it, quickly and said. “Look, I don’t have time for this. I love you, but I can’t. Not if you won’t let me in.” And with that, he pressed a kiss on her forehead and left.

She watched him go, shut the front door behind him. It felt like he was leaving forever, and she couldn’t blame him. But how, how could she tell him now? It was over, yes but would he forgive her? Could she bare it if he didn’t?

Up to this point, you haven't given us any idea of where they are, what the nature of their meeting is, and what their personalities are. And the amount of cheesy exchanges they have already passed to each other is enough to make a reader wince already. Romance, you see, is not all about "I love you"s and "I love you too"s... it's about the situations which prove that these statements are real. Testifying actions. Your characters, I don't know how old they are here, as you didn't give us any idea about any of that, not even the way they look, acts childish and naive. If you got hurt, you'd say more than asking why. You'd do more than shut yourself inside a room. You'd think about a lot, experience a lot of different feelings, encounter different people, scenes, places... I wish you showed us these rather than just drop the information on us like big boulders of rock through the characters' dialogue. I'm sorry to say, but it's frustrating to read.

Closing her eyes, she let her mind remember all those awful days, the reason for the separation that nearly destroyed them both.

“I’m sorry.” The doctor had said. “You have leukemia. At this stage, I’m not sure how much we can do.”

That day, she felt as if her heart had been torn to shreds. Yet, her first thought was about him. What would he do? So she had hatched a plan, she would break up with him, make him hate her. It would be easier for him when she… bit the dust. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She lied though her teeth, telling him she didn’t care how much they’d been through, how much he claimed to love her. That she had found someone else. All of it… it was like acid burning her tongue. If her only knew what telling him that did to her. It felt like thrusting knives into her heart, as well as his. But at the time, she believed it for the best. That it was what would help him the most. That was how she made it through, thinking it would make it easier for him in the end.

Cliche. These ideas are so overused already. Pointed out, here they are.

-The fact that the girl had leukemia.
-The fact that she broke up with the guy because of it.
-The fact that she thought it would be better off if she was hated, so that when she died, he would have no remorse.
-That she got hurt in the process of lying.

That's it. Just events running over each other in this piece. No character development. No scenes. Just dialogue, and facts which would have been better off told, piece by piece, instead of in bulk. You could have pulled it off if you had made some twists, separated this story in small chapters, and played up the atmosphere as if you were painting a picture. That's what you do in literature, right? Paint pictures with words. But all I see is words. Where are the pictures? It's just... blank film.

But now, now the cancer was gone. For months the only place she had been was that wretched hospital. Filling her body so full of radiation, she wasn’t sure how much more she could take… The only thing she was grateful for was that, by some miracle she hadn’t lost her long dark hair.

Then the blessed day came, after so much pain… the doctor came in with a smile on his face.

“You, my dear are nothing short of a medical miracle. I was sure there would be little we could do, but your cancer is gone. It’s just gone, completely, as if it was never even there.” She remembered the outburst of joy her mother had.

Question: How the chicken did that happen?

The first thing she did was call him; she could no longer stand the thought of him thinking that she didn’t love him, even if she couldn’t tell him why she left.

What I said before. The same is the rest with the rest of the story.

Well, then. So much for that. Just work on building up your scene and your characters, one by one, piece by piece, until you come out with a full, three dimensional picture. That's the main advice I can give you right now, aside from my chockful of rants and raves in the above paragraphs. I may have sounded very harsh, but I'm only trying to help. Please keep that in mind. Have a nice one. ~

Oh My Gee-Ow-Dee !!! That story is just amazing and fantastic ! I loved the plot...everything. But i admit i kinda got confused somewhere. Like, when the narrator does a flashback how does she come back to the present? First she wanted to tell the guy the truth but he had to go, then the flashback the suddenly the present (which by the way, you introduced in the same way as you intoduced the beginning of the story)...So that left me a little confused (and maybe what i'm writing here is confusing too) -__- If not...wonderful story, keep it up !

Wow
If I had to describe this in one word it would have to be -fantastic-
There was so much feeling and emotion I just wanted to keep reading
I'm so glad that the ending was happy!!
This story brought tears to my eyes :’)
The only thing that kind of bothered me was the fact that the characters had no names other than that I loved it!!
Keep up the good work

-love2read-

Omg. I was like seriously about to cry. I think they should have names though. Other than I couldn't find anything else wrong with it. (maybe because I was too busy crying haha) Definitely keep writing!!

Hey!
This is a very beautiful piece. I couldn't find any obvious mistakes so all I can say is keep up the good work!

hey... It was so good!!! I instantly loved it... just beyond brilliant to me... the deapth of emotion had me lost in it... a very very good job...!!:D

Hiya! I'm Luxe and I'm going to give you a review on this!

Okay, I'm going to start with character development. To be honest, I don't really think your characters had much depth to them. What I would do is get to know them really well. Characters often help make a story much more enjoyalbe and I think that this story would be even better if you gave them more pizzazz (for lack of a better term )

I thought that your story was really touching and emotional! My only beef with it is the cancer part. If cancer has reached Stage 4 there really isn't anything you can do. You would have to catch it very early for it to be cured like that. I know people who have died of cancer and there really is nothing you can do that late in the cycle. I think if you really wanted to make this story shocking and realistic, kill her. That sounds awful, but it would make this story spectacular. Because really, no one lives after they're diagnosed with cancer like that.

Besides the things with the cancer and the characters, I think this story has great potential. You used such powerful emotions to make people keep reading and that makes a very good writer. You really do need to work on the things above to make it better though. Other than that, this was beautiful!

Cheers,
Luxe