Romance is really my forte and I thought I'd try something out that I've wanted to do for a long time. The main topic of this story is probably a little controversial, so I suggest not reading it if you don't like romance between two girls.
For all of my years in high school, I can only remember loving one person. Her name was Soraya. When she walked into a room, you knew she was there because she lit up the room with her smile. Everything about her would scream out to me and cause my stomach to go into knots. For a long while she didn't even know that I exsisted. She didn't know my name. But when she did notice me, when she gave me a hug right after she learned my name, I felt like the world for me had stopped. Never again did I look at another girl the way I looked at her.
***
I sat in English class while chewing on my pen cap and listening to Ms. Cassidy talk Edgar Allen Poe and the symbolism in The Fall of the House of Usher. "Can anyone tell me what Roderick and Madeline symbolize? What the relationship between the two of them had to do with the house falling down?"
"They're the last of the Ushers. The house was connected to the family and when the last of them died, so did the house," I answered, not bothering to raise my hand. "The house was the family and the family was the house."
"Good, Allison," Ms. Cassidy said with a smile. "I guess all the Poe you read gives you good practice with this." I nodded to her and gave her a small smile back. Ms. Cassidy was cool; she was our student teacher and she knew her literature. She'd instantly won points with me. When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, I rose from my desk and picked up my books and folders.
The end of second period meant two things: lunch and seeing Soraya.
Hurridly, I said "goodbye" to Ms. Cassidy and walked out the room. The hallways soon became crowded with students who were done with class and I plugged my ears with my headphones to listen to my music. I set my iPod to play Muse, took a deep breath, and set off down the hall. Every step I took set my stomach in knots. Would she look at me? Would she smile? I'd been to chickenshit to talk to her after musical had ended. What if she thought that I didn't like her anymore. There were so many questions that I had and no way to answer them unless I talked to her.
That wouldn't happen either.
Then I saw her. Her brunette bob was shiny and she wore shimmery pink lipgloss. She wore dark blue skinny jeans, pointy black ballet flats, and a tight stripped shirt that hugged her hips. The small blue bag she carried swung at her side. She all about made me faint right there. I glanced over at her as I was about to pass by; she made no eye contact with me. Soon, I was past her and rounding the corner to the stairs. Soon, I was past her and rounding the corner to the stairs and feeling like a hole had been punched in my gut. Even seeing one of my best friends, Tasha didn't cheer me up.
"Allison!" she chirped cheerily when I stopped beside her at her locker. "What's going on?" She held a Monster can in one hand and her Nintendo DS in the other.
"Eh," was all I could manage. I leaned my back against the lockers and groaned. "I'm not having the best day. Like, at all." Glancing over at Tasha, I noticed that she was thoughtfully sipping her energy drink. "You know that drinking that crap is only going to make you shaky for the rest of the day."
Shrugging, she took another gulp of the drink and smiled brightly at me. "Cheer up," she said. "You look like you failed another history test." I stook out my tongue at her and grumbled something about meeting her upstairs for lunch. "Smile!" she called out as I headed away from her. I flipped her the bird, making her giggle.
***
The next few weeks seemed like torture. Each day I hoped to see Soraya smile at me or at least make eye contact. Each time I walked by her, disappointed. I felt like such a teenage girl, being all googly-eyed over someone and feeling sick to my stomach when I saw them. The feelings just seemed to fester though.
After school on a Wednesday, I was sitting in a secluded stairwell on the far eastern side of the school with a copy of Jane Eyre in my lap and my iPod set to The Velvet Underground when the door at the top of the stairs opened noisily. I didn't even bother to look up; no one I knew would be here this late in the afternoon.
"Hey Allison."
Startled, I looked up from my book and saw that Soraya was standing in front of me with her arms folded over her chest. I didn't know what to say to her. Her face was unreadable.
"Uh, hey yourself," I responded with a high-pitched squeak, yanking the headphones from my ears. "What are you doing here so late?" I smiled shakily. Soraya sat herself down next to me on the cold floor and leaned her back against the wall. She stared up at the ceiling.
It was awhile before she said anything. "I'm confused Allison," she murmured, her eyes still on the tiles above us. It was almost like she was counting them. This conversation was confusing me. This didn't sound at all like Soraya. Soraya was bright and happy and full of life. She was sure of things. She was decisive. "I'm so confused about this."
"About what?" I asked, now thoroughly confused. My head was spinning, making me abosolutely dizzy. She was right there. Our arms were resting next to each other and her touch made my arm tingle. I placed my bookmark inside the novel and set it aside as I looked at her. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling still. "Soraya?" There were tears in her eyes when I looked closer.
Hastily she wiped her tears away from her cheeks. "When I look at you, I feel so completely..." She finally looked at me. I still couldn't read her expression. She touched my cheek softly and I felt my cheeks grow hot. Leaning over, she touched my lips with hers and kissed me gently, timidly. When she pulled away, I was in shock. Did whatever I think happened actually happen? The moment I had dreamed would happen for months actually happened? Her face fell because I didn't react the way she thought I would. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked, her voice quiet.
Realizing what had happened, I shook my head and didn't respond with words. Instead, I kissed her back with a passion I had kissed no one else with. I turned to make kissing her easier and I crawled to sit over her and I ran my hands through her hair. And to my joy, she kissed me back as hard as I was kissing her. Her hands wrapped around my waist and she held me close to her body. Pulling away with my eyes closed, I murmured to her, "Do you know how long I've wanted to do that?"
"Do you know how long I have wanted to do the same thing?" she replied. She kissed me again and we spent the rest of the night in the stairwell until we decided we couldn't stay any longer.
***
When she left for college, I felt like going through the halls without seeing her was torture. But we continued to see each other. We would spend nights together sitting on the hood of her car during the summer and we spent the winter nights snuggled together in one of our cars underneath blankets. All the while talking to each other.
By the time it was time for me to go to college at Columbia University, we left together with her going to pursue her acting career and me my writing. As time went on though, we grew apart. The distance between us even as we slept together was almost unbearable. When I came home to our apartment one day after writing all day at my studio, I found her things gone and a note saying that she would always love me but we weren't what we used to be. Tears poured silently down my cheeks as I read it. It was really for the best though. When she got her first big role as Elphaba in "Wicked", I was the first person she came to see to tell her big news. We slept together one last time that night and after that the only time we saw each other was when I was seeing her on stage or she was coming to my book signings. We had both thought we would love each other forever. We did love each other forever. She was my endless love. But that wasn't enough.
***
My love,
You will forever be in my heart, even while we are not together. I will always love you.
Much love and forever your lover,
Soraya
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