Young Writers Society

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this is great i really like it! is this a whole book? is there more? i would love to read the whole thing if there is! the one sentence should defiantly without a doubt be in there, i wouldnt even think about taking it out! it is definatly not unnecessary, about how old is he? is it a library bookstore? great job pm when you have more!

Thank you and I'm very glad you liked it! Yes, it's a whole book, which is driving me crazy! @.@ Lol
So, it's fine to keep that sentence? Alright, that's certainly good news. He's 18 years old and he's working in a bookstore before he going to college.
Sure!! I'll pm you when I write some more. Thanks! ^^

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Hey there Gheala!

Sorry for the delay but I haven't been on my computer in a few days. Turns out well, in a way, because you were able to edit.

I'd have to say that the first part really confused me because there's no transition between Julius' thoughts and where he actually is. I thought he was holding his dying mother in the Romace section of the library.

I don't think it's wrong to have Julius feel grateful at her attention because besides Selim and his mother, has he known much kindness? Especially since his mother's death? Aurora (love the name!) is like a drink of lemonade when you're not feeling good

The glass was very tall and big, probably too heavy for her thin arms to keep holding for long. Without much thought, I handled the glass from its rim with my thumb and forefinger, making sure I wouldn’t touch her.

I quote this from the edited part. Of course, because we didn't see the previous chapter, we don't know why he won't touch her, but in the unedited version, you explain that she doesn't like to be touched. IF you haven't mentioned it before in your own story, you should, because he could be simply condescending here, you know?

“Drink this, please.”

I turned my heavy head to look at her and found her hands stretching forward, a long fogged glass resting between them. Her eyebrows knitted and worry dressed her small features when she saw my face, obviously showing the same signs of fatigue she suffered from yesterday.

“Are… Are you okay? You need rest, Mr Julius,” she said in a shaken voice. “You don’t look good.”

Okay, this part bothered me because there are no follow ups to what she says. She starts by, "Drink this," then, "Are you okay, you need rest..." I mean, if I was bringing someone something, I'D say, "I brought you something. It's lemonade and it might help you rest." Okay, that's horrible, but do you get what I mean? If not, let me know and I'll re-explain it.

Well, Gheala, you have every reason to be proud of Aurora. She's sweet and sensitive. She has flaws and qualities and she's very endearing. I really liked this chapter.

Kudos to you, my dear, can't wait to read more!

Tanya

Woohoo! Tanya liked it! Tanya liked it!!

Yes, I'm proud of her! She's so delicate and sweet and she's the absolute opposite of Julius. But yea, I did show how repulsed she is, when it comes to physical contact, in the previous chapter. They have that in common, but for different reasons.
I do understand what you mean, yes. Come to think of it, her phrases aren't put right. Lol. She sounds as if she fell asleep in the middle of the conversation! Maybe it will be: "Are you okay? You look so tired.... Please drink this." Or again, something better But yes, you're right.

Again and again, you do help a lot every time you review me. Thank you, Tanya and it wasn't delayed at all. You should take all the time you need and want and of course I'll tell you when I post something else!
Thanks a lot, Tanya.

Hi, Gheala. I'm here to review.

Unfortunately, I've never been that good at reviewing, so I'll do my best - since it's you

I loved it! I've got to say, I'm very impressed. And you said my description was good, this is amazing!, all of it.

I remember reading something else you wrote yesterday, just before I had to go so I never got time to review it. I think it was part of the same story, but where it fits in, I don't know.

Your message at the end of the excerpt about did we think Julius would be kind to the lady: I actually think he would, especially as she was helping him, I can't say for sure because I don't know his character, and I didn't create him, but I would say that almost all people, even darker-natured ones, can nice to people - under the right circumstances.

hope this helped,
thatboy