Young Writers Society

Is this how it feels to have your heart broken?

“I just want to be friends.” I said it. The words were not in my head anymore, but splayed out on the ground, like an animal I had just killed. Foggy eyes that were staring up at me, forever on my conscience. You just nodded, with tears in your eyes. You walked away, leaving behind your mistake, trying to make the pain go away. I wasn’t sure what I had done.

Acting on one thing that happened, without you even knowing, just a small paper cut compared to the wound I gave you. I’m not sure how to fix our broken hearts, without sealing them together.

My friends keep making jokes about it, but it kills me inside. The shocking realization: I don’t want to be with you, but I’m afraid if we’re not, “more than friends” I’ll lose you forever.

I’m sorry if I hurt you, but we just need to let it go. I hope you understand my decisions, even if I don’t yet.

Thanks for reading, I'm not even really sure what this is! I just threw it together. Thanks!

Hello Amfliflier! This was an interesting piece, and I very much liked the bluntness of it.

I was just a little confused about this part here:

Acting on one thing that happened, without you even knowing, just a small paper cut compared to the wound I gave you.

There's something a little bit awkward about the flow of this sentence, but I can't quite place what it is.

Also, I think it would be beneficial to the whole story if you explained what this "one thing that happened" was. Actually, I think it would be great if you gave more specifics about the whole situation. If we knew how long this relationship had gone on before the narrator broke it off, for example, the story would hold more significance with the reader. How in love were these two characters? What were their names? How did they behave around each other? The more we know about the characters and their relationship with each other, the more we can empathise with them.

Other than that, I thought that this piece had a lot a potential. I'd be interested to see where you go from here!

I hope this has helped, please PM me with any questions!

GreenFinch

i agree with green finnch.i dont know what but it was lacking....heres a good way to put it, its like a perfictly frosted cake except the cake was made out of styrifome.if that makks any sence....but i understand were you where coming from.

Haha, I guess that kind of makes sense. Kind of like it was sort of good, but it was lacking on the inside? I hope that's what you meant! I'll keep that in mind when I write more! Thanks!

Hello there.

I'll have to agree with the others too... It definitely needs more substance. Details about their life together, their friends, the school, their problems... Why did he/she break it off? Because he/she just couldn't pretend he/she loved her/him anymore? Or was it just a sacrifice thing? We don't know anything right now, apart from that the MC broke up with someone and that he/she still wants to be friends with her/him. The last line... Does that mean he/she (And I'm tired of doing that, so let's pretend it's a guy so it's easier for me ) still love her, and that he just broke up for her own good? You see how confused I am? It shouldn't be that way. So add more stuff. Create their relationship in your head, and then right their ending. There should be little things that come out when you right depending on how you imagined them. Like if they use to laugh for hours and that the guy loves to hear the girls laugh... Then he would try to make her laugh and even think about how it's so much more beautiful than the tone in her voice at that moment... It's the little quirky details that will do the entire piece.

This is a great base, but I think it would be absolutely amazing if there would be more.

-Other One

Hey.
I liked the details in the first paragraph. Great simile.
This story has a lot of potential, but I think it needs to be longer. You could show the passage of time, the MC sitting at a lunch table all depressed while her friends joke about the break-up, or something. But I thought this was a really nice start!
Keep writing!

Hey,

This read as maybe a diary entry or something. I liked the use of second person mixed with first person. Hmm, I too felt it was lacking. This really short (I dunno why but almost every "short" story I've read today was like two paragraphs. Why is everything so short!?) Anywho, I felt like the plot idea was good, taking it from the perspective of the rejector rather than the rejectee. Hmm, it was good but it was sort of forgetable. there was nothing very special about it, it was just too normal. Maybe because it was too short, nothing in this will leave much of a mark or imprint. I think that's your main problem. It's a tad bit boring.

Favorite Line: The words were not in my head anymore, but splayed out on the ground, like an animal I had just killed.

Grade: B+

~Jas