His cool hard hand met my face with a thap! I cupped my heated cheek and backed away slowly. When Sam got drunk, he got angry. And when he got angry, all hell broke loose. I guess I should be used to it after 4 years, but his violent ways still suprise me. Kinda. I mean, when he's sober, he's the greatest guy you'll ever hope to meet. But get him drunk and...oh boy. I've never had the courage to stand up for myself and hit back. But my friend tells me it would help. But I'm not sure, maybe one day I'll push him or something. "Now, what the fuck did you say, Bitch?!" He screamed. "I-I.." All I ever did was stammer nowadays. it annoyed the shit out of him which is probably why he just threw me against the door frame. My head was throbbing. How can I deal with all of this, you ask? It's simple...I love him. Stupid right? A lot of people call me stupid. I give all of two shits. If loving him is wrong, then dammit I don't wanna be right. Sam stalked off into the bedroom and slammed the door. I got off the floor and layed down on the couch. Then I closed my eyes and just thought about things. I thought about how I met Sam, at a gas station in Kansas. He was putting gas in my car and pitching all these corny pick-up lines. And now, we live together in a small one bedroom apartment. He seemed so sweet then, with his soft blue eyes. And that raven jet black hair, and his built stature and tanned complection. He was a cutie with a sweet attitude. But, I guess that old "Don't judge a book by it's cover" saying goes a long way. I guess I kind of fell asleep because, before I knew it, I was yawning and stretching, the beaming light from the window waking me. I looked at the clock. 8:03. He was gone to work, probably with a hangover. I decided to clean up and get the house prepared for my love to come home.
The End This is my first story so, hope you enjoyed!
Hi! This piece was very good, it showed some of the harsh realities of life very clearly, but there were a few issues.
Firstly, I didn't really get a sense of Sam's character, I needed something a little more specfic than "a great guy." Is he fun? Kind? Brave? Funny? I felt like I needed to know more.
Also, it wasn't really resolved. I think there ought to be a bit more to the story.
Just a quickie review, but I think you did a good job. Not outstanding, but good. Despite that, I think you have real promise as a writer, and you could make it good.
(I know if you read my other reviews that I say that every time, but in most cases it's true.)
Keep writing!
I've learned so much from people who never existed - Unknown
Hey! First of all, I think you have the solid premise of a story, but it has a lot that you can expand and improve upon. It's a good, honest concept. A bit of tweaking could improve it a lot though.
You could really use formatting to punch this up and emphasis things by breaking it up into seperate paragraphs. You want individual ideas to stand on their own. It also keeps things from getting too confusing when you take the protagonist from the moment into her own thoughts.
On that note, there's a lot that you're telling the reader where it would be just as easy to show it. Instead of telling readers that Sam is an angry drunk, show us. Mention the smell of the whiskey on his breath and the shattered lamp on the floor. Instead of 'which is probably why he just threw me against the door frame', write through the feelings and emotions of being thrown into the door frame. Jumping between writing of his cool hand striking her face to dry narration of facts breaks up the flow of the story. The narrator states that she's afraid to stand up for herself, but the reader will get the same information from her stepping back and mumbling quietly with a fast beating heart and the reader will be more engaged and sympathize more.
In short, focus more on showing through action and dialogue rather than stating facts and I think you'll find it flows much more smoothly. You already have everything else you need to make it a great story rather than a good story.
'I finished a manuscript and my editor said "great, now rewrite it" and I said, man, I'll just photo copy it,' __Mitch Hedberg
I'm liking the description! wow talk about a very violent relationship! I think the use of onomatopoeia was good as you can hear the sound of all the slap and banging happening. I also think for a first story its great!
I really enjoyed this piece --- not that the girl was being abused, but the message that love really does blind people to the wrong choices that they make. I really feel like this piece could have had a lot more detail-- like when you say Sam is a good guy: What kind of good guy? The non-harmful guy that she saw at the gas station? Is he fun? Caring? What did he seem like to the narrator?
Also, this might help the reader if you gave the narrator a name, because at some points It was hard to follow, and i asked myself "is it a guy or a chick?" kind of thing. I really like the description, though. I think you made it painfully clear how in love the narrator is with this Sam guy.(no pun intended)
Keep writing please! I would be very interested to see where this story goes! And please post on my wall if or when you have part 2 out
--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
Hey. I liked this story, well not the abusive part but it really does bring to light the reality of abusive relationships and how that kind of love is wrong. But i was left wondering who the narrator was. You should give the narrator a name. And also maybe describe the aftermath of the abuse. Like how the narrator looks after being hit. Be descriptive. And the last thing is maybe you should think about expanding this story. Because it has the potential to be a really good story.
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
This is my first story so, hope you enjoyed!
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Points: 300
Reviews: 0