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Speaking Love



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Sun Mar 06, 2011 7:29 pm
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"Tell me what love is," she said, heart-shaped face resting on her palms. I looked up at her. She lay on her stomach next to me, and I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I laughed, and threw up my hands like they were answers, hoping they would suffice and she would understand my exasperation. But when I glanced over at her, she looked determined as ever. The moonlight streaming through my window hit only half her face, but she looked earnest enough.
"I don't know. It's not really something that can be told." Her disappointment drew a careful straight line down her mouth, with a hand much steadier than mine. Though, that wasn't hard to do; mine were quite shaky.
"Course you can. And you said that you'd tell me anything I wanted." Her lips curved, and I stared at them, distracted. She sounded out the word. "Eh-nee-thing.
I sighed, and rolled over before stiffly raising my chin onto my knuckles to match her. "Okay, well... it's a lot of different things. I mean, it's love. It's like... caring about someone." My voice kind of trailed off, and I knew that she wouldn't take that for a second.
She looked at me, arching an eyebrow. "That's it? No, no, I need more than that. You aren't getting out of it that easily. Doesn't count." Her eyebrow fell back down, and she gave me a wicked smile.
I sighed even more heavily this time, and rose from lying on my stomach. My chin hurt from my hands, and my elbows hurt from the rough carpet, and it felt nice to stretch. "I dunno. It's when... I dunno. You know someone-- all of them, and you still care for them. Or when you don't know someone at all, and you'd risk your life for them. It's not caring about what they've done, but knowing who they are and what they want to do, and helping them do it." She cocked her head, and I could tell that she still wasn't satisfied. "It's like finding the sweetest, most intoxicating wine and drinking it, even if you know that you'll get a hangover in the morning." I paused, not quite sure where I was going with that one.
Her nose scrunched, and I could tell that she was trying not to laugh. "Are you comparing women to a bottle of wine? Really? And a hangover?"
I winced and stumbled on my next words. "Well, yeah, really good wine. Kind of. Okay, no. It's uhh, it's..." I looked at her, very seriously, and studied her half-lit face. I looked at the scar on the side of her cheek that I always saw her covering with her hair. I brushed it away from the silver line, fingertips just barely whispering over it. She nervously smiled, and my palms sweated, not sure about what I was going to say next. "It's seeing someone and knowing that they're beautiful, even if don't realize it, and it's making sure that they know." I lowered my eyes back to my hands and dropped my tone. "And yeah, love is painful 'n all, but... it's more than that. It's exhilirating, like jumping into a lake in the morning. You can feel everything on your skin all at once, but everything else is drowned away. You can't see, you can't hear, hell-- you can't do anything but feel that bright, cold lake water on your skin and relish it. Sometimes, you want to get out immediately cause you feel like you're drowning and the dock is way too far and your arms are way too heavy... but sometimes you want to do nothing but swim for the rest of your life. Getting of the water can be painfully cold, but the swim is worth it."
I peeked up at her. She was staring at the rough carpet, with her brow furrowed. I decided to keep talking. Well, it was less of a decision; I opened my mouth, and more words tumbled out. "That's what it is. It's knowing what you want and not knowing at the same time, and never knowing how to get it or what it's even for, but wanting it more than anything else in the world." My voice kind of drifted off somewhere behind me, back into my living room. I eased my eyes up and looked at her. The light had shifted, so now I could only see her eyes, and they were kind of glassy.
And then, she looked at me, fiery brown eyes more direct and more honest than I'd ever seen them. She stared at me for a moment, and I tried to hold her gaze, but it was one of those intense looks, where you're not quite sure what you're supposed to do. Right before I was about to look down, her gaze broke, and she stared down at her hands, even though I doubted she could see them in the darkness. I looked down too, and could just barely see her fold her hands together. Her eyes fell out of the little light, and quiet settled on our shoulders.
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2011 7:55 pm
MisterThien says...



Hello! :)

I'm just going to start with the only nitpick that I recognised when reading this piece:

You forgot to add the closing speech mark:
"Eh-nee-thing.


There was another one, but I can't seem to find anymore! :D

Now, onto the review! I actually liked this story. It wasn't just well-written, I thought it was beautifully written and I really liked the light-hearted style and tone it was written in. The way the protagonist described what love is was cute and made me smile a few times.

I don't really have anything bad to say about it except for the fact that I noticed that you seemed to put a lot of commas after the word 'and'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think they should be there. You don't use a comma every time you take a breath when reading aloud - that's what my English Teacher said anyway! So that's what I noticed really: unnecessary commas. Also, I found the ending a bit confusing.

and quiet settled on our shoulders

'Quiet' as in the noun settled on their shoulders? It sounds awkward. Perhaps choose another word like 'silence', not only since is sounds better, but also for the alliterative ending!

Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. Well done! Keep writing! I'd love to read more stories written as great as this :)

Thien
‎"I dream my paintings, then I paint my dreams" - Van Gogh
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:46 pm
emilooguinness says...



i quite liked this, verry well written, dicriptive his feelings and her expresions beautiful.
when wrighting romance, i find it hard to keep the story going, without adding sadness ora supprise, as you did with the scar, and realy that just gave the story a little mistery makeing it even more enjoyable
overal id give it a 89/100 really needed a good cliff hanger as the end was a bit like ohh, thats it? maybe a kiss or a tear something to leave you feeling for the charictor

emily xx
  





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Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:21 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

She nervously smiled, and my palms were sweating, not sure about what I was going to say next.

This is a little bit awkward. It might be a good idea to re-phrase it.

Overall, I liked this story, especially the description about love, which is pretty much the story itself. You managed to make it quiet unbelievably, and every little detail was great. :) It's a short, but interesting story.

I don't have anything else to say... Sorry for the short review. ;)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:57 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there!

I thought this piece was beautiful. The descriptions of love were nice and they felt like you were really writing them from the heart :) The piece grew in intensity as it progressed and the MC really starts to discover and divulge what he feels love is to the girl he obviously thinks the world of.

Although the piece is short, it doesn't really matter as it's just a glimpse into a moment and conversation between the two characters. It works well.

She nervously smiled,


Try - 'She smiled nervously,' as I think it flows a little better.

I enjoyed reading this! Keep on writing :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

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Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:53 am
LisaMCooper says...



There really isn't much to be said, as any problems were already pointed out. But, I very much agree with everyone that has posted before me. This piece was beautifully written, even if it isn't something you usually write. I would like to read more from you as I do think you have a gift. Keep writing. :)

-Lisa Cooper
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