Young Writers Society

My Last First Love
By: Colleen Tucker

As I'm writing this it's raining. have the window above my desk cracked open and the smell of the rain is coming in. The smell of the rain takes me back to a distant summer day. The mere memory of this day used to bring tears to my eyes but today it is my friend. Today I am welcoming the memory of your death. It will bring happiness today when I put the memories to paper.
When I think about you, the miage of your face overpowers me. Suddenly I am surrounded by a tall boy with blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. Your voice resounds in my mind, bringing with it the memory of your voice. It's been two years and I know that I should be over losing you...but I'm not. I can't help but to think of you every day. But I guess you will never leave me. Once, this though would have brought me to tears but now it is strangely comforting. I don't know how I would have survived if you would have leftt me forever without even a memory of you to keep me sane.
I'll never forget the day you died. Your death didn't come in the form of a tragic accident or by something unexpected. Instead, it was something that we both knew was coming soon. You had cancer and the doctors could do nothing for you. They could take the pain away but they could not take away the cancer. And although we prayed for a miracle we never got one. You died in my arms, on a hospital bed, with my name on your lips. My memories take me back to that day now...
***August 7, 2010***

"I love you Breena." you whispered.
"I love you too Spike."
You were quiet then and I knew that you were in pain. Just by the way you gazed up at the ceiling with your fists clenched I knew that you were suffering. At that moment, as I stared down at you, I realized that you were dying. We would never get married and grow old together as we had planned. Tears formed in my eyes then and began to roll down my cheeks. When you saw my tears you reached out to hold my hand.
"What's wrong?" you whispered, staring at me.
"I'm going to lose you." I spoke through the tears that clogged my throat.
"I know. I don't want to leave you. It wouldn't be so bad if I was just leaving mom and dad 'cause they don't even care about me. But I'm not just leaving them...I'm leaving the person that needs me the most."
"It scares me."
"What does?"
"Losing you. I don't like the idea of being without you. It's a terrifying thought."
You closed your eyes and I thought you were in pain. But when you opened them there were tears shining in your eyes. Yoou looked at me and patted the bed next to you. Even though I knew that the nurses wouldn't like it I climbed up next to you. As soon as I was up you pulled me into your arms as you had done countless times before. It was the last time that you would ever hold me. When you spoke your voice broke.
"I thought the physical paiin was bad but I was wrong. The worst part of this is seeing you cry. I hate seeing you cry. That's what hurts worse than any physical pain imaginable."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." you paused. "I love you Breena, you have to know that by now."
"I do and I love you too."
You kissed me then. It was our last kiss and I can still remember how it felt. Your lips were soft and gentle on mine. I didn't know it then but it was your goodbye kiss. You were telling me goodbye the only way you knew how. I will never forget that kiss. But I don't think you would have expected me to forget it...would you?
"I love you Breena." you whispered for the last time.
"I love you too Spike."
Everything started happening so fast after that. You suddenly gasped in pain, your arms tightening around me. Then they fell slack to your sides and the scent of your last breath washed over me, warm and sweet. I screamed as the room filled with people.
The doctors tried everything to bring you back. Nothing worked. You were gone. Even as I stared down at your face I knew that you had gone home to Heaven. As the tears took over me I allowed myself to be taken away from you. That was the last time I saw you.
By the time the funeral came I was numb. It was still painful to think of you but I was fine as long as I didn't allow myself to drown in the memories we had made. But...when I went to your funeral I lost all the carefully put up composure. The tears fell freely as I stood up and spoke about the boy that had loved me more than his own life. I told the people at the funeral that when you died you had taken a part of me with you and that is still true. But soon, I will gain that part back.
***August 7, 2012***

I am dying just as you were. Even now as I force myself to sit at this desk, I am dying. It is not the same cancer that you had, it is brain cancer. They told me it could be healed with chemo therapy and maybe surgery but I don't want that. I want to see you again and the only way I can do that is by letting this cancer kill me. I wonder what you would tell me now. Would you tell me to get rid of the cancer? No, I know you better than that. You would tell me to do whatever I thought was best. And this is what is best. Dying is best for me. It hurts too much to hold my head up now so I'm going to lie down. I love you Spike. Always have and always will.
The End
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Hey guys, I hope you enjoy this one! I wrote it a long time ago and just found it when I was cleaning out old folders on my computer! R&R!

Hello there! Julie here to review!

First,

As I'm writing this it's raining. have the window above my desk cracked open and the smell of the rain is coming in

You omitted a word in the second sentence. I suppose it was "I".

The smell of the rain takes me back to a distant summer day. The mere memory of this day used to bring tears to my eyes but today it is my friend. Today I am welcoming the memory of your death. It will bring happiness today when I put the memories to paper.

You used the words "day"/"today" too often in this fragment.

I can't help but to think of you every day

No "to" required here.

Once, this thought would have brought me to tears but now it is strangely comforting.

I don't know how I would have survived if you would have left me forever without even a memory of you to keep me sane.

"I love you Breena," you whispered.

You need a comma there. Same mistake a few lines below:

"I'm going to lose you," I spoke through the tears that clogged my throat.

You looked at me and patted the bed next to you.

"I thought the physical pain was bad but I was wrong. The worst part of this is seeing you cry. I hate to see you crying. That's what hurts worse than any physical pain imaginable."

Wow, that was touching. You put your soul into this story, because I could really feel the pain of your characters.

Well-done!

Thanks for reviewing. I'm thinking about rewriting this but I'm not sure if I should.

Hey!

My cat is called Spike

I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you

1. Nit-piks -

As I'm writing this it's raining.

I think this would be better if you wrote it as -

'It's raining as I'm writing this.'

have the window above my desk

'I have the window above my desk'

The smell of the rain takes me back to a distant summer day.

Instead of writing - 'the smell of the rain' again, I think you can get away with just writing -

'It takes me back to a distant summer day.'

the miage of your face overpowers

'miage' should be 'image'

Your voice resounds in my mind, bringing with it the memory of your voice.

You only really need the part of the sentence before the comma.

this though would

'though' should be 'thought'

would have leftt me

'left'

And although we prayed for a miracle we never got one.

Comma after 'miracle'

"I love you Breena." you whispered

'"I love you, Breena," you whispered.'

"I love you too Spike."

Comma after 'too'

your fists clenched I knew that you

Comma after 'clenched'

Yoou looked at me

'You'

nurses wouldn't like it I climbed up next

Comma after 'it'

paiin was bad

'pain'

you paused

'You paused'

"I love you Breena,

Comma after 'you'

"I love you Breena." you whispered

Comma after 'you' and the full stop needs to be a comma too

"I love you too Spike."

Comma after 'too'

to your funeral I lost all

Comma after 'funeral'

chemo therapy

It's one word

I love you Spike.

Comma after 'you'

2. Thoughts -

This wasn't a bad piece for something you just found on the computer. It was a sad story about something that is so real to the world.

The one thing that kept cropping up was commas. You had a lack of them. The way I place commas is to read the piece aloud and where you take natural pauses to breath, you place a comma. It'll help give the piece a more natural flow.

I'd also suggest proof-reading the piece before posting as I did find a few silly typos.

If you were to re-write this, I'd suggest adding in a little more emotions when Spike dies. Make the fare-well heartbreaking for the reader

I hope this review helps! Keep writing

xDudettex

So sweet/sad. I love the way you pretend to be someone else and just write these beautiful works. Maybe I'll try writing in this forum sometime...

Thanks. I like putting myself in my characters shoes. It makes writing the piece really interesting. That's what I do with mostly all of my writing and it must work because the work is always good...I think.

Awww. This is sad. But it is a little rushed. and It was confusing as to who was talking and who died. but you cleared that up at the end. Im too tired to nitpick so that's all im gonna say for now. But i did like it. Keep writing!!!

Wow ! Thsi was a really sad but beautiful poem. I really felt sad thanks to your ability to convey emotion to the reader ! But be careful with your grammar

miage

i think you meant image
And advice would be to re-read your story to be sure there aren't mistakes Overall, LOVELY story ! Keep writing!!